1. Just A Dream.

The pursuit of happiness comes with a price. What would one person do for the price of fame? Does it all seem as good as the grass is green from this side of perspective?

I've been working in this stupid bar for almost five years and I feel like my life is at a standstill. How did I get here? Oh yeah, a stupid idea and a trust fund left by my dad that ran out pretty much the second I got here. Do you ever feel like you were destined for greatness just that greatness is not ready to take you in? I've felt like that my whole life and now I want it, I want it more then anything- I crave it like a drug addict needs their next fix.

Since this is a whole new journal I guess I should start at the beginning leading up to right now which may take more then this introduction chapter but that's okay since all I've got is time.

 

Well in the beginning I was born. First things first right? My mom met my dad in a theater while at summer camp both being councilors. They met up after the summer and got into the same university and after a five year courtship they decided to get married, then my dad got cancer and died so my mom had to take care of me and my older brother who turned out to be a drug addicted gang-bang type. We tried our best to get by but my mom was so grief stricken that the first ten years were hell but she finally got out of the house and started to work again, by then my brother started acting out. I was too young at the time to understand all of this but as I got older I realize it was his way of coping. I love him like I love my mom and dad but he's so self destructive now it's hard to think of him as a big brother when he acts like a child going around throwing tantrums and wrecking things.

 

My mom said she and our dad loved each other violently like a winters storm, so closely love fell around them like a white out but they saw the world through brand new eyes and it was like magic. She had told us he was her one and only and it would always be like that. When they first met he gave her flowers he picked on a hike and they spent the nights by the fire side while the other kids teased and cooed at their kisses. The camp coordinator did not approve but said it happened at least once every year so as long as they didn't do 'that thing' then it was okay. I remember her telling me all of these stories, or of times when they fought.

My dad was in a rock band and one day she thought she saw him necking with a girl in a bar during a gig when all he was doing was explaining a song to her since she was a replacement guitarist. That night she said she was so angry at him she didn't speak to him but she felt like a fool when the girl got in stage and started playing music as he said she would be doing. So at the end of the set he dedicated a song to her by the smiths and she cried at the bar- partly because she drank too much and partly because it was the most romantic thing he had ever done up to that point.

 

My parents love was almost like a life that had a beginning middle and end. So tragic, I only remember fragments of him now but they are all warm and loving memories. He was such a great guy with a great voice and always made time for me even if he was too sick to do anything. My mom says that I got his voice and my whole life I've been trying to get someone else to recognize me for what I can do which is why I moved out here to the valley. Just the idea of getting one chance to prove myself and have that opportunity gives my stomach butterflies.

 

I guess in a way that would be true love for me. To be honest, after going through what I had to with my parents and the aftermath of my fathers death I don't believe in love, why would god make something so magical and then take it away? Love will only bring misery and I can't afford to think about unrealistic things like that anyway. No one is truly happy in the end and our fate is what we make it. If I can get one chance and I get it and make it then I can take care of my family and fix everything that's wrong without worrying about 'love' since to me it's a non-existent thing.

 

-8/16/2009

Author's Note

Its the first chapter in a series detailing fame, life and love in the midst of instant stardom.