Broken Container

Not particularly a story, more of a self reflection of a dark moment of my life.

What makes a person happy? What needs to be sacrificed?

I found myself lost in thought, ever since I asked myself.  It angered me that I had not yet figured it out, until many years later; when I entered adulthood.  A painful metamorphosis, in my circumstance; the agonizing process from child to adult, children should not be exposed to certain degrees of corruption in the world until they are strong enough to handle its consequences.  Except that is not the case…

Even I, fail to remember my carefree days as a child.  As I watched my years of happiness slip by; I fully came to realize the bitter meaning behind the saying “Ignorance is bliss”.

My perception, of the world I was accustomed to, slowly evolved over a series of encounters: stereotypes, prejudice, isolation and disdain…to name a few.  Everything I thought was true…a cruel façade!  What are friends?  Are they necessary?  Or will they bring self destruction?!

Petty questions racing through my head, which is what I thought then, and what I still think now.  I came to my resolve…I hate that word, it sounds too absolute, but this is what I believed, my perspective was never dissuaded by anyone, even myself.

Eventually…my kingdom crumbled steadily into a sweet nothingness.  I was betrayed and abandoned by “friends”.  I lost the desire to start anew, to once again have confidence in others, to heal myself of my wounds.

Instead, I broke… my walls had been torn and I was lost.  There was nothing surrounding me but utter depression and darkness.  Make the pain go away I kept muttering hopelessly to myself, squeezing my eyes shut my ears covered, trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall, many had already been shed.

My face, stained from the tears, and I felt heavy, carrying the many burdens, regrets and new grudges within me.  I bottled too much of myself away, and I burst.