Chapter Eighteen

Floyd spills a long repressed secret to Miranda, and the picnic escalates until they are interrupted by something shocking.

“How drunk are you?” Floyd asks from somewhere over to my left. Lying on our backs, looking up at the sky, the candles have blown out, leaving us in perfect darkness where we can see so many more stars than usual.

“I don’t know,” I say. “Compared to what?”

“On a scale from one to ten,” says Floyd. “One being not drunk in the slightest… And of course, ten being you don’t even remember who you’re talking to.”

“Well, of course I know who I’m talking to,” I laugh. “I dunno. A five, I guess. I’m comfortable. Like… completely comfortable. It’s nice.”

“So, suppose something insane happened, like a group of hairy, naked old guys ran past. How much do you think that would phase you?”

I turn, trying to see Floyd, and laugh.

“Well,” I say. “That’s a pretty ridiculous question. But I guess I’d probably just laugh or whatever. Why, are you going to streak?”

“No, of course not,” he says. “I just wanted to know what kind of a state you’re in is all.”

Floyd sits up, cross-legged and runs a hand through his hair, his large, pouty mouth turned down in a frown.

“Sit up, would you? I want to talk to you about something else.”

Rubbing my eyes, I yawn, pulling myself into a sitting position.

“What is it?” I ask, realizing for the first time how tired I am.

Floyd peers at me for a moment, the whites of his eyes barely visible against the darkness.

“Miranda,” he says, fingering the rough patch of hairs on his chin. “You went to college and stuff…”

“Couldn’t slip it past you, could I?” I wink at Floyd, but I doubt he notices.

“Funny,” he says. “I meant… you’re good at reading people. I know you are. It was your job.”

I tilt my head, nodding slightly.

“Yeah… I think I’m pretty good at that. Why?”

“I want you to read me,” he says. “I want you to seriously read me. I want to know exactly how you think of me and what you see in me. Put all your judgment aside and be completely honest. I want you to tell me everything you know about me, even if it’s embarrassing. You said nothing much would phase you right now, so I want brutal honesty.”

I blink a few times, reaching for my glass, which I remember is empty.

“Wow,” I say. “That’s… What brought that on?”

“Just do it,” he says. “I’ll explain when you’ve finished.”

“Okay,” I say sitting up straight, a cool breeze sending goosebumps up my back. “Well… Let’s see, hmm… Where should I even start? I guess I would say that you’re a generally quiet and reserved kind of guy, but when you’re alone with close friends, you’re completely different. You’re smart and funny and extremely nice. You care about other people’s feelings, even if those people have hurt you. You’re the kind of guy that every little girl wants as their big brother.”

“Is that it?” he asks, leaning forward slightly.

“I don’t know, I mean… what do you really want me to tell you? Do you want to know if I think you have any mental illnesses?”

“Not exactly,” he says. “What about repressed emotions and stuff like that?”

“Well, I mean…” I think for a minute, searching what I can see of his face for any signs of anything at all, but I can’t really see. “I mean… I know you’re kind of displeased with Alice and you’re probably angry that you spent three years of your life with someone who you’re probably going to leave.”

“Not probably,” says Floyd. “I’m definitely leaving her. There is no question about it. Now what else?”

I chew my lip, confused.

“I can’t really think of anything,” I confess. “Is there something you want me to say specifically?”

Floyd shakes his head, face in hand.

“You’ve really and truly deluded yourself into believing that no one could possibly be attracted to you, haven’t you?”

“What?”

I suddenly feel extremely cold. I can’t feel my fingertips at all, and my nose is freezing.

“You can’t tell me you’re just completely oblivious,” Floyd says. “You almost had it there for a minute, but then you shut it out again.”

“Floyd, what are you talking about?”

He groans, tossing his head back.

“Miranda,” he groans. “Stop pretending! Just cut the act! I know you must have noticed by now how I feel about you.”

Every inch of my body feels like it is coated in a thick layer of ice. Freezing, painful, unable to move. A human ice cube.

Even my teeth feel cold and frozen.

I can’t seem to blink. I can’t seem to catch my breath, or move. The only part of my body still moving is my heart, pounding so hard and so fast that I fear it will explode.

“What are you talking about?” I breathe, trying to keep my heart under control the best I can.

Floyd’s jaw falls open.

“You’re really serious, aren’t you?” he says. “You have no idea, do you?”

By now, I’m shaking so hard, my vision is blurred.

Floyd reaches out and grabs my right hand.

“My God, you’re freezing!” he cries, rubbing my hand between the two of his. “Miranda…”

I remain rigid, my head too fuzzy to think, my body too numb to move.

“Okay,” he says gently. “Since you obviously have no idea, I’m going to have to just tell you. To be honest, I should have just done so from the beginning, but how could I have known that you…” Floyd sighs.

“Okay,” he says. “Miranda… I like you. I like you a lot. I’ve always had feelings for you since the beginning. The very first time that Alice introduced us, I took one look at you, and I thought, ‘Why couldn’t I have met that one first? Why can’t it be her standing here holding my hand, rather than Alice?’ I thought I was just being stupid, but the feeling never went away. I… I mean, I wanted to be a gentleman and do the right thing, so I stuck with Alice… I didn’t want to have to break her heart. But… the longer we stayed together, the more things I found I disliked about her. Still, I knew that if I broke up with her, I’d probably never see you again, so… I…”

Floyd squeezes my hand.

“I did what I had to,” he says. “I tried as hard as I could, but… Alice just isn’t the one for me. You are.”

My heart rate is still climbing. Floyd is touching my hand. He’s telling me that he feels for me. This isn’t real, I know it. Something is wrong here. I just need to think hard and pick out one single inconsistency and then…

“Wait,” I say. “If you knew you weren’t going to be together forever, then why did you move in together?”

Floyd sighs, stroking my hand with his thumb.

“It’s going to sound selfish,” he says. “But I’ve been honest so far, and it would be stupid for me to suddenly start trying to hide things. The reason I suggested we move in together was because we’d split the rent. I was paying too much for my place, especially when I wasn’t hardly spending any time there, so I explained to her that it would be cheaper for both of us if we just got a place and split the rent.”

“But that probably got her thinking that you were gonna propose soon, or something.”

Floyd shakes his head.

“That’s another reason Alice and I aren’t meant for each other,” he says. “She specifically told me that she doesn’t want to get married. She said that she doesn’t want to be bound together by law, because it’s stupid and no different from just being together, except that breaking up would be harder. But I’m a firm believer in marriage. I mean, what’s the point of being with someone if you don’t see yourself ever marrying them, or having a family with them?”

My stomach flutters wildly. I can’t seem to keep myself grounded. I feel like I’m floating around in outer space while doped up on nitrous oxide.

“And…” My voice quivers. “You think you can see yourself marrying and having a family with… with me?”

I can’t quite tell if the feeling in my stomach is an urge to throw up or something deeper. My mind is swishing around like a flushing toilet, making me dizzy.

“The strange thing,” says Floyd. “Is that I could never see anyone else filling that position. I’ve never felt as strongly toward anyone as I feel toward you. Every day that we’ve spent together has made that feeling stronger and stronger, Miranda. I thought I was going to burst if I had to go one more day without you knowing how I feel. I kept doing everything I could to hint to you, but you’re just so set in the idea that you’re repulsive and that no one could ever desire you… But I desire you, Miranda. I desire you so much. You’re not repulsive in any way, in fact, you’re beautiful. It kills me that you can’t see it. It pisses me off that society has actually made you believe that you have to be blonde and weigh ninety pounds in order to be attractive. That’s sheer stupidity.”

Floyd is shaking.

“I want you to be able to look into the mirror and see exactly what I see,” he says.

Out of nowhere, something wet and warm trickles down my face, as I realize that I’m crying.

“Oh, god, don’t cry,” says Floyd, wiping my cheek with his thumb. “I’m so sorry if this is too much. I’m sorry if I upset you… I just really needed to get it out.”

“I’m not upset,” I whimper. “I’ve just never… I’ve never had anyone say anything so beautiful to me before. I can’t even believe that you’re being serious. I feel like you almost have to be doing this as a prank.”

“What!? No, of course not. Miranda, you know me! I would never do anything like that. Not even if I was paid for it. That’s just evil.”

Floyd takes my other hand.

“You’re a popsicle,” he says. “How come you’re so cold? Come here.”

But rather than actually having me come closer, Floyd crawls over to me, putting his arms around me and resting my head on his chest.

“I can’t believe how cold you are,” he says, rubbing the back of my neck. “Are you sick?”

I shake my head. Floyd is so warm somehow. I feel like I must be sucking away all of his body heat just being this close.

“I must have done this to you, then,” he says. “I’m sorry. I should have spilled my guts in a slightly more comfortable environment. You’re going to freeze out here.”

“I’m feeling better,” I whisper. “It was just shock. My blood was all focused into my heart and wasn’t spending enough time elsewhere.”

“I’m so sorry,” says Floyd. “Really. That was selfish of me. But are you at least feeling slightly less shocked now?”

“It’s hard to say…“

Thinking about it, I realize I’m no longer shaking. My heart has calmed down a bit, and the longer I sit with Floyd’s arms around me, the warmer I feel.

Still, everything that is happening seems to feel somehow unreal, like I’m dreaming.

“The initial shock is gone,” I tell him. “I think I’m just having a hard time accepting it.”

“Maybe I should lend a hand,” says Floyd, and a second later, his hand has magically teleported from my back to my chin, as my face is pulled upward.

Before I have time to register what’s going on, something soft and warm connects with my lips.

My heart races once more as I realize that I am being kissed for the first time.

My mind can’t keep up. The only thing I can manage to think is how there is no way this can be real, and then I wonder how badly I suck at kissing, having never done it before.

Floyd’s lips part, consuming mine as his tongue plays between them, begging permission to enter.

Slowly and tentatively, I open my mouth letting Floyd’s tongue explore. The feeling is so strange and foreign that I’m caught between a desire to gag and a desire to grab his head and kiss back as hard as I can.

Floyd’s right hand slides through my hair and rests again on the back of my neck, bringing me closer.

Every inch of my body seems to be tingling the way your foot does after you’ve sat on it for too long, and I can’t decide if this is too much or not enough. I’m practically paralyzed, unsure what to do.

As though deciding for me, Floyd slowly lays me back on the blanket, his lips moving from my mouth to my cheek… to my ear, nipping the lobe gently, his hot breath heavy against my skin as he moves down lower, lips and tongue caressing my neck.

Gently, his teeth sink into the tender skin, causing me to shiver.

“Are you alright?” he whispers, picking himself up a little way to let his fingertips play around my belly button.

I swallow hard, digging to find my voice.

“I think so,” I breathe. “I… can’t be sure…”

“Well, you’re not stopping me,” Floyd says, a grin in his voice. “So you can’t be doing too bad.”

I close my eyes.

The small radio belts out some slow, whispery melody which seems to cause even my very soul to tingle as Floyd’s hand moves up from my belly button so slowly I barely notice it happening.

“Let me know if anything I do makes you uncomfortable,” he breathes into my ear.

I nod, vaguely.

The music… the cold breeze, and Floyd’s warm breath… All these things put together, I find myself in a sort of trance. I’m hypnotized, just letting whatever happens happen, and not giving a single shred of thought to anything else, even though somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m sure that everything about this is wrong.

I’m also sure I don’t really care.

I’ve never so much as been kissed by a member of the opposite sex before, much less touched in such a way, and there’s no denying that it feels incredible.

Goosebumps break out across every inch of my skin as Floyd’s hand moves dangerously close to my bra. I shiver, uttering a small, accidental moan.

Laughing, Floyd swings a leg over and climbs on top of me, using both hands to tug at the hem of my shirt.

My arms seem to work of their own accord, rising up over my head and allowing my shirt to be slipped right off, leaving me cold and bumpy in my bra.

At any other time, in any other place and with any other person, I would be insecure, trying to cover myself. Instead, I simply wonder how well Floyd can see in the darkness and whether or not he likes what he sees.

My question is answered when he leans in and kisses me, a warm hand reaching up under my bra and igniting my skin, sending my heart into a frenzy.

My lungs kick into overdrive, trying to keep up. The harder I breathe, the tighter Floyd squeezes me, and the tighter he squeezes me, the harder I breathe.

Every molecule in my body seems ready to explode.

Any troubles I may have had are far, far away.

I’m so ready to just give in to his every desire…

But then one thing happens which ruins everything and turns my insides back to ice.

One small thing, and then I’m not in heaven anymore, I’m trapped inside my own mind, wondering how I got there.

The beautiful, whispering melody on the radio ends, replaced by none other than Alice’s song. Her stupid, stupid song.

And my insides freeze.

My mind goes blank, except for one thing.

As Floyd’s hand moves down my side, playing at the waste band of my pants, the one and only thing flashing through my brain is that questionnaire.

Sex: M/F.

M.

F.

Miranda. Floyd.

“She knows,” I gasp.

Floyd raises his head a bit, nuzzling my cheek with his nose.

“What?”

“Alice,” I cry. “She knows!”

But before Floyd has time to comprehend anything, before he has time to even answer me, I hear a loud, metallic clanking sound, and Floyd falls off of me, crumpled into a heap on the blanket, motionless.

I gasp, scrambling to get up, but there’s just this unbearable cracking sound, and such a sharp pain in my head.

A pain so terrible that I can’t keep my eyes open. I can’t sit up. I can’t think. I can’t… stay… awake…