Bonfire

How about this?
Huh?
Look at me. She smacked her lips together, making a pleasant 'pop' sound.
It's called Plum. There was a reddish brown color on her lips.
That's nice.
Oh, oh, what about this? She held up another lipstick sampler.
It's called Dusk Rose.
Well, you have a tough choice to make. Either way, you look lovely.

 

He was a manly guy. He didn't really want to be in this women's cosmetic store.
He slowly made his way to the perfume counter full of tiny bottles of scented oils. Most of them had exotic names. Then he found a section that had simpler names: Sea Breeze, Laundromat, Lobster, Bonfire...
He opened the Bonfire sampler. The name intrigued him. He sniffed without thinking much of anything. All of sudden the memories of his first love came rushing in.

 

It's mid September. Since it's an off-season, they don't have any problem finding a vacant cottage right next to the beach without reservation. The cottage has a kitchen and a wood burning fireplace. It is big enough for a family of five. But it's just two of them. Even though four hour drive has worn them out, they make love as soon as they get in as if it's their last time. 

By the time he wakes up, she's not there next to him. He sees the sliding glass door facing the foggy beach slightly open. He puts on a thick sweater and steps out of the cottage. It's bitter cold. And the fog is as thick as milk in tea. He calls her name. She doesn't call him back. Moisture in the air is gently wetting his face. The sand beneath his bare feet is damp and cold. He follows her almost invisible foot prints. So faint. He's afraid they would stop in the middle of the beach. He looks up helplessly. He calls her name again. Nothing.

 

Everything is very still except for the sound of the low tide.He smells it first- the wood burning smell. Then He sees a small dancing yellow figure in the foggy distance- a bonfire. And she is sitting there, looking at it motionlessly. She looks smaller than usual, covered in his coat. There is no one around. The person who started the fire must've gone back up the shore, judging by the set of foot prints. He sits behind her and holds her. She holds him back, still looking at the bonfire. He knows she is going to leave in a few months. They both know it isn't going to work out between them. This is going to be the last time for them to be together.

 

He broke down and cried right there and then, in the shop full of women.

Reviews

[Idance512]

This needs a bit more tension built into the beginning. The senses, like butterflies, have a subtle power or influence. You did that well, but didn't develop the characters quite enough. There is some excellent imagery contained within.

Overall its a very good writing. I like it a lot. Keep writing.

S

[vickie]

I liked this - the elicitation of the powerful memory from the scent. We forget sometimes how powerful that particular sense it, the associations certain aromas hold.

One thing to think about - when you indicate they won't be together much longer, you've not given any indication that there are problems. May be good to introduce that earlier - the long care ride was tense, lovemaking not satisfying or more like a chore or just routine. I think you could fit a quick hint in there. Maybe 'as if it's their last time' was meant to portend the end, but young lovers often make love in such fashion.

In this paragraph, some suggestions:
He smells it first - wood burning. Then he sees a small dancing yellow figure - a bonfire - in the foggy distance. Everything is very still except for the sound of the low tide. She is sitting by the fire, staring into it motionlessly.

I loved the details in this story - the moisture on his face, the feel of the sand, especially the fog. The milk in tea image is wonderful. Quite good - enjoyed it very much. Thanks for sharing it.

[Ben Umstead]

This is most likely right here, one of your all around best. I'm actually at a loss for words... trying to jigsaw this one together... The complexity that ripples through the simplicity is immense but never forceful. There is a gentleness and magic to it. Well done.