Merely A Thought

Sometimes, I feel like a wide memory jar. Easy to shatter, filled with other people’s memories and emotions, hearing about other’s first kisses and their last shot of tequila without ever having to taste my own. A few of the papers have his name written in such beautiful cursive printing, covered with a smear of red lipstick. I imagine he’s gentle, and you could see he’s still yet a child in his eyes. He’s very kind, which is his trait; a momma’s boy. His sense of humour is that of geeks and that highlights him. He hates it when his mom cuts up onions while he watches AD, or when his sister or girlfriend paints her nails. He’s sensitive to strong smells, which is why his mother never buys flowers anymore. A french bulldog hanging his head out of his own car, that’s his perfect picture but he still uses the bus, and way too lazy to walk the dog, another reason he longs for his mother’s visiting. None of what I had just imagined is real, but since I wouldn’t have the chance to find out, I believe it is. I grew a kind of love that just makes me want to linger near him; the kind love after desperation. He would never settle for me, and that brings me to my next point; why I feel I am a wide jar. I’m never nor will I ever be satisfied with myself and my body and that thought frightens me. A question that I could not seem to be able to figure out the answer to is If I don’t love myself, how could I expect anyone else to love me? It’s cliché yet so painfully true. I don’t know why thin is pretty but many had certainly proved to me that fat is not. I would grow to love myself if it weren’t for the little bumps down the way like that boy who was dared to sit near me and touch me, as if I am some sort of toxic garbage. Or the time I had to throw away half a cookie because the blonde kid gave me the look which indicated I really ought to change my diet, when really why I had the cookie in the first place was because I felt light headed from not eating the day before. 

Author's Note

Please let me know and give me feed back about what you think, and how you feel about body image issues. Also please recommend me things to write about in the future.