Dear Society

A letter to Society

Dear Society,

You make me feel insecure. I am sorry I will never be the type of person to appease your tastes. I'm too fat, too tall, too black. I'm too nerdy, or even too stupid. I'm too quiet, too loud, too nice, too awkward. Too messed up, too secretive, too guarded. I will always be too much or too less of something to ever fit your views of perfection.

I'm sorry that I can't go and cut myself at the knees so I can be average height of the other girls my age. I'm sorry that I don't even know where to begin to try and go on a diet. I'm sorry I can't scrub my body until all of the brown comes off and all that's left behind is a pale complexion. People my age can't understand the way I cringe when I hear the word "n***a". It's just a word, right? Whether you say it to me the original way "n****r" or the so called friendly way "n***a" the meaning will not change to me. Growing up the way I did that word was always tossed around me or at me. I could explain to you the reason why it has such an effect, but you'll never understand, so why bother? But I sit, and watch as all these little white boys greet each other with "Yo n***a," or "What's up my n***a," and I do laugh because I think of the irony behind it all, but I also think of how you, Society, have seriously downgraded the word to a point where it's lost all of it's meaning and history.

I'm sorry that I'm too nerdy to the point where I'd rather read instead of going out. I'm sorry that people can't seem to understand the words coming out of my mouth sometimes because they're too big or not inappropriate. But then where I'm too smart I'm also too stupid. Too stupid to understand the crude jokes that my youth makes today, but I laugh anyways because that's what you, Society, have taught me to do. Laugh or be laughed at. But I'm sorry that I don't laugh when my friends insult me and say it was a joke. I'm sorry that I'm totally clueless to something someone is saying to me because it's about some Vine or YouTube video that everyone seems to have seen besides me. And I'm sorry that I don't understand something that someone else seems to have gotten so easily.

I'm sorry that I'm too quiet. I've taught myself to keep to myself and keep my mouth shut so I don't possibly become a target to the cruel words that can spew out of people's mouths. I'm sorry that I'm too nice. I try to make people see my point by putting them in nice words instead of throwing it in people's faces or calling them stupid because they don't see it my way. I'm sorry that I'm not painfully blunt or tactless. I'm sorry that I'm not rude, or at least I try not to be. I'm sorry that I care. I'm sorry that I sometimes don't like to talk to people because I am socially awkward and fear that I will say the wrong thing that'll push them away. I'm sorry that I'm too loud. Over the years I have grown up and found my voice and I'm sorry if it's something you do not want to hear along with the opinions it speaks of. I'm sorry that I'm so socially awkward. I dislike the awkward silences just as much as anybody else. But I hope that the people who do try to talk to me know how much I value it because it means that they cared enough or even liked me enough to give me a chance.

I'm sorry that I'm too messed up for this society to handle my story about what I've been through and what I may still be going through. That's why I'll sit and listen to anyone going on about their problems but never speak a word of my own. I'm sorry that I'm too secretive when there are so many people who are so open. And I'm sorry I'm too guarded, but I've had people walk into my life then walk right back out because they've found something better. I've taught myself not to get too close to anyone because I don't know how many more people I can lose before I break once again.

Society, I am sorry that I will never fit your image of perfection . . . but I will never try to. I am not ashamed of being black, nor will I ever be. I was raised to believe that my skin was beautiful because it is, and no one will ever tell me otherwise. I've come to accept the fact that I will always be taller than most people my age, but people will either have to accept it or leave me the hell alone. I will probably always be the "big girl", but whether I'm skinny or fat I am a fabulous person and good human being and I refuse to stress about my weight because it's not satisfying in your eyes. Yes, I am nerdy. I love to read, I love to learn big new words, and yes, I will use them when I speak. Just because I don't always laugh at crude jokes or don't understand them doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm mature. I am quiet, but it's something I am working on. I have grown so much to the point that I'm actually the one to start conversations with new people. And now that I have found my voice I will never hush it because it's speaking of something you don't care to listen to. Walk away from me or block me out because now that I have found my voice it is something I will always use. Just because I'm nice to people doesn't make me a push over or too easy, it makes me a good person that cares. I love to listen to people and I love knowing that I can help or that I did help. If you're nice to people 99% of the time they'll be nice to you, and that's all that I'm looking for. I will always be socially awkward when it comes to new people, but the people who try to push through it and continue the conversation are the people I know I want to be friends with, and that helps me open up a little more. What I've gone through is my past. It will always be my past. And yes, some things have messed with my head and to this day are still hard to get over. I have a lot of baggage that I carry around that I'm still trying to deal with. And you either take or leave my guarded nature because I am not always an open book that will easily tell you their story. My life is my life and I will only ever share it with people I trust.

So Society, don't expect me to go and try to change who I am just so you'll accept me. You will always make me insecure, but I refuse to change myself just because I don’t fit your perfect image. The only person who needs to accept who I am is myself because if I don't accept myself who else will? I need to make myself happy. Your opinion of me does not matter. My opinion of myself? That matters more than anything else.

Sincerely,

      Olivia