sliced

it's more of a monolouge

GOD how i miss him. this whole sad affair has left a bad taste in my mouth that i can't get rid of, no mater what flavor tooth paste or amount of mouth wash i use. you know i found the perfect break up song for us that is me and BJ i cant exactly rember the name but i rember 2 lines ..." who would've know the first time i saw you would be the last... and one year and 6 months who would've know it would last." perfet to the tee. we were together a year and six months six months full of fighting crying and his better judgement. tuhhh! that was always his excuse . he had ample oppertunity to see me but no there was always some reason not to. whatever.

 

no not whatever i was always there for him when he needed me . but he wasn't for me. after a while he just stopped talking to me . i got used to his silence . but many nights i cried lullabyes into my pillow waiting for him to call , but he never did. we broke up in november and i thought i was ok but i found myself thinking of him and wishing we were still an "item" . three months went by with no word except me telling him hi every now an then because he's sitll one of my best friends. i guess the reason it hit me so hard was because he was gone for 3 months before, and on the first he came back. well the first is long past and i guess it was just  realizing that he really was gone. maybe its for the best. all i got from him was some inspiration in alot of differnt was .

 

he made me happy this is very true but ultimately he made me unhappy when i look back and say why was i with him i rember why, becase he was the only guy who acted like i ment something . told me i was beautiful accepted me and all my flaws and gave me a chance gave me hope . but it still ended when he decide to cheat on me . by not telling me he was with someone else if he had told me it would hve been different. BUT no he couldn't put the balls in his pants to tell me insted i found out on my own. you wouldn't ...no you couldn't imagine my reaction and how mad i was ! that i gave him a year of my life and so much more i felt used ! i gave him my love and with that came my paticents, kindness , understanding, my hopes and dreams and  the fact that every decision i made i would include him in . and my innocence.

 

i don't know i just sometimes wonder weather when he's laying in bed at night he still wishes he had his arms around me . and sometimes i wonder if when hes with his f*****g the girlfriend that was so much better than me if some part of him wishes she was me.

 

now all i have to do is figure out how to get over it. i just don't know how to . i feel like to get over him i have to go out with someone else to truely feel at peace . i feel like i have to give something to someone else that i dont want to. so i can go ha! in hi face be like what now im over you since you so clearly are over me but i dont think i ever could give that away when i promised it to someone who ment so much . even though it didn't mean so much to him. but maybe it did . maybe he used his better judgemnet as an excuse because he wanted us to be special bull s**t! all of it . but whatever it is he'll nver own up to it he'll nver admit it . but he'll keep thinking about me . at least i know he does that i can tell.

 

and i wonder if he knows i think about him in the middle of the night , i wonder if he knows a little piece of my heart was sliced off for him.