11-7-07

his trial is tomarrow and its all i can think about. eeryone knows somthing is up with me . i hate how my expressions always show how im feeling. its always a dead give away.even my teachers know somthings wrong , usually im only to eager , but my hearts just not there anymore. im so worried about him ,HELL im worried about me .that if anything happens i'll fall on my a*s and this time i'm not so sure i'll be able to get back up.

 

but i promised him a year and three months ago when i said i love you that i would be there in everything, and be kind and paticent and understanding.but i dont know if thats enough anymore. i just want to go in my backyard somtimes and sream! for all im worth to get rid of all the ache my heart has. i want to scream till i have no voice then fall to the ground and cry untill the grass grows around me.but hiding never makes anything better it only makes me hurt more.

 

it bottles everything up.i cant tell anyone anything!they only tell me that he's no good for me and ask why i so willingly went back .they dont understand they never do ! hes the first guy i ever loved and he will always have a place in my heart . he can have it!it's his to take if only he would reach out and grab it . but i think he's scared . he has so much more @ risk than i do.even after his constant no's to me and only one yes to CARLEY GOT HIM IN THIS MESS! IT"S HIS OWN FAULT ! he sould've listened to my begging in febuary and this would never have happened.and i would still be my whole self undamaged.

 

she asked him out AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH HER CAN YOU BELIEVE IT AND AND SHE KNEW ABOUT ME TOO!he said no though (shrugs it off) doesnt that me that he wants to be with me ? i think he does . but thinking just isn't enough for me anymore. even though i KNOW he wants me in more ways than one. i wnat proof i wnat the kissing the passion the hand holding all that jazz. i'm so doubting ,and i feel bad for it but then i remember the conersation after the plain white t's consert . i called him to tell him i was on my way home and that i'd had fun. with my friends . i told him i love you like always and he said blueberries like always , so i didnt think anything of it . but a few minunets later he called me back. the first thing he said was "I love you i really do". i was compleatly astonished and i told him i know you do and i asked what brought that on he told me that it was all the stuff that was happening and that i was being sweet ,and kind,and understanding .and that he loved me for it. i was astounded by the fact that he called me  back just to say that. it was the first time in a really long time that he did somthing like that and i realized how much i missed it. . i remember that when i don't think he loves me thaat when all else fails that memory is to hold my faith so to say. I remember why i love him : because everything he does he does it for me in some way. He always wants whats best for me even if it doesnt include him . he's everything to me and my heart is in his hands  just like that Flyleaf song all around me " Take my hand i give it to you now you own me all i am you said you would never leave me i believe you i believe... savering this heart thats heald ." thats the only part i dont agree with yet. my heart hasn't been whole in along time . butim hoping that he helps heal it. at least not crush it. he has me in his hands and i tust him enough for that . hes my best friend . and i loe him with everything i and he KNOWS it. but does he really love me ? anymore. i think he does .

 

we have to wait till im 18 , to be together for real.because he lets say too old for me. even with consent laws on my side. he sitll wants to wait. that makes me think im special in some ways but makes me WANT him even more i guess cause i know i cant have him.he's not that old though only 5 years older than me and im 16 . we've gotten through one year . but not with out Crying and fighting not talking and even breaking up for three months. like edard did to bella in new moon by stephine myers because he though it was what was best for her. I'll give you a clue he came back just like he did. after three months of me being so depressed he came back . he was just as sad as i was . if he didn't love me he wouldn't have come back would he? i guess we really won't know till im 18.

 

until he tells me he doesn't love me i'll keep on loving him . everything reminds me of him ,little things from these glasses my friend wares and bottle caps their like little boats that carry me to him. but if he stops loving me little by little , i'll take the hint . but everyday when i wake up hes the only person i can think of and if it's the same for him i suppose then maybe we're truely ment to be .    GOD PLEASE LET BE MENT TO BE.

 

every night i pray the same prayer : now i lay me down to sleep i pray the lord my soul to keep if i should die before i wake i pray the lord my soul to take this i ask in jesus name amen. then i go on this speal about all the people that have died then i thank God for my friends family and teachers then i thank God for him . im so happy he gave him to me and how i hope that evrything will work out between us and that his trial will go ok. beacuse if he goes to jail i'll be there no matter what and i'll wait for him . because that was my promise to him. i might not be happy about it i'll probaly cry about it .but it'll probaly be for the best even if i have to wait longer DAMN IT (to yourself) but i will for him . i just hope he'd do the same for me. i just have to be strong LIKE ALWAYS.