F**k, F**k, F**k

F**k, f**k, f**k.

I really hate venting. I love it, but I also hate it. It makes me feel better, but it also makes me feel worse and makes people worry, and I'm not intentionally trying to do that when I vent; I just need to let it all out. But I feel really bad because I usually write my vents about a specific person, and he reads them, and I wish he wouldn't.

"I really hate venting," I said two seconds ago, but here I am writing another vent.

It's just...

No one gets it.

No one f*****g understands. They don't get how I am feeling because they aren't me, and they don't get how I'm feeling like I'm going to just crack and break down during the day, and it's every single day, and the extent of it is absolutely f*****g immense.

But while people understand that feeling to an extent, what they really don't understand is the way I feel for this guy. No one is me, so they don't know the depth of my feelings.

I just really wanna strangle myself. I feel so bad for writing about how s****y I'm feeling when he's feeling just as bad. I guess my pain is just as valid as his, but it doesn't feel like that because I don't feel as if I am as important as he is.

I don't know. There's just always been something there that I loved about him, and there still is, and it won't go away. As much as I wish it would, it won't go away. It's just a constant reminder, nagging in the back of my head. It's like, "Don't forget that He gives you these strong feelings that you can't ignore no matter how hard I f*****g try, even if you date other people."

And it's true. He is the one I am consistently wanting to be with, no matter what... I adore this guy. He's amazing, he's funny, he's compassionate, and he understands me more than most. Sure, he has flaws, but his flaws make him more perfect to me.

But no matter how much I try to convey it, I don't think you will ever understand the depth of my feelings for this boy. I could rant on and on and on for hours about how these feeling run deeper than the Grand Canyon or the deepest trenches, but no one will understand what I'm feeling unless they themselves have felt like this. And while people may understand the intensity of my feelings, they will never wrap their mind around the reasoning or the depth of the roots the feelings have created or the entirety of the situation.

And I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this for him. I would do anything for this boy, and I have done pretty much anything I could for him. I haven't cut in a long time, I eat like I'm supposed to (for the most part), I've been trying to do everything I'm supposed to do... But I don't feel like I can do this anymore.

I know I tend to make it seem like he's the bad guy. I know I do it a lot, but he's not... He can't help the fact that I fell for him. I bet he wishes I'd stop feeling like this for him. Hah, I bet everyone does.

Because in all actuality, no one really wants to understand it. They don't want to know that you're feeling like s**t when they ask, "How are you?"

That's why everyone usually replies with something like, "Fine," or "Good."

They know that no one wants to know the truth.