It F*****g Hurts

Oh, f**k.

That was just, like, a punch in the face.

I usually feel like s**t, and my really bad days are usually predictable, along with the feelings that come with them, but wow, my bad feelings just hit me out of nowhere.

F*****g hell, I just really wanna go off and die.

And I can’t do anything except sit here, mumbling, “Oh, f**k,” “Oh, s**t,” “Oh my f*****g hell,” etc. I have to keep my eyes wide open and my focus on what I’m typing or my tears will start falling, and f**k, when they start, they don’t stop.

That’s just how s**t goes, I guess. One second your fine, and the next you aren’t. You think you can control it, but you can’t. All of those bad feelings just build up in the trench you buried them in, and eventually, there isn’t anymore room to put them, so you try letting them out slowly, but those feelings are like water, except they feel a lot heavier. They just pour out and pour out and pour out, and you can’t do anything about it. You just have to handle it.

But, f**k, does it hurt or what?

That f*****g trench seems like it fills up really quick.

It’s out of f*****g control, and there isn’t much you can do about it besides cry, but sometimes, that doesn’t even help. It can make it a lot worse, actually. Because when you cry, you sit there, contemplating the little f*****g things about the thing that is making you cry. And you’re just like, “Oh my f*****g hell, why would I do that?” And your mind answers you, Because you, my dear, are a f*****g worthless idiot.

Goddamn, do you remember when that’s all you could use to describe yourself? “Worthless,” “useless,” “pointless.” And now that you and your depression have evolved, it’s so much worse than that. You’ve escalated to things like “waste of breath.” And you ask yourself, “What is the f*****g point of me being here? My friends are probably really sick of my s**t, my family can’t stand me, no one really wants me around.”

So you contemplate killing yourself. Anything has to be better than staying on this planet, feeling like this. But the only reason you’re sticking around is because you know that if you fail, you’ll be surrounded by people who claim to love you, and all they do is ask, “Why did you do it?”

Because it f*****g hurts.

Reviews

[Briana]

How powerful. How human. I'm not sure how real this is, but even if it's just a statement on human emotions, I'm incredibly impressed by you. Life always finds a way to get better, but sometimes it takes every ounce of concentration to stay in the present. To keep breathing. I've been there, lived there every moment for 18 years of my life. Trust me. Every day you keep yourself in the present is a day closer to happiness. To the future.