I Don't Mean To Feel This Way

A vent

When I hear a love song, I think of you. Regardless of what song it is, regardless if it’s saying “I want you to stick around because I can’t seem to get you out my head” or “I want you to go away because I can’t seem to get you out of my head,” regardless of whether or not I know what love is, I think of you. You don’t know how much I just want to just tell you that I think of you when I hear a love song, read a love poem, see a cute couple around, anything. I always think of you.

I usually think of you while I write everything I write that has to do with the obscure concept of love. I’ll think of you while I’m writing it, occasionally typing your name in on accident, wishing the situation was reality. Even while I was dating. And I think I kind of resented who I was with for not being you, not understanding me like you do, not acting like he cared about me like you used to care.

But when you read something I wrote, thinking about you, you manipulate it to fit your situation. You cut me out of the picture and replace me with you, putting the one you’ve fallen for where you originally were. And while I don’t dare say anything to blatantly confess my feelings, you do. You tell me all about it, and I don’t want to be mean about it because I know how you feel because don’t forget: you put you where I was, where I still am.

So I attempt to fade away. I don’t talk to you or really anyone unless you message me or unless I just really want to remember why we became friends, but I can’t. She’s destroyed you as you have me, and she’s the only one who can seem to fix you.

And when we don’t talk, I sink into the comfort of my bed, the one I wish you were in with me, holding me, allowing me to hold you as we attempt to pretend the world doesn’t exist. But I know that’s never going to happen. It’s unrealistic, considering all the factors. I can’t even imagine you reciprocating the feelings I have for you. I don’t think anyone will ever reciprocate these feelings.

It sucks that I’m in this situation with you, and the person that understands it best is you. It’s not sweet or romantic to feel like this, and I hate when people act like it’s a trend to be so broken, so explosive over someone.  It’s hell. It’s f*****g hell, and I don’t like being so vulnerable over something like this. I don’t want to be one of those girls who mope around all day every day in a puddle of self pity, but these feelings aren’t just something I can step out of. There is an anchor tied to each one of my ankles, and this isn’t a puddle; it’s a f*****g ocean. I’m drowning. I know it isn’t healthy...

I don’t want to feel this way, I really don’t, and believe me, I don’t mean to feel this way; I just can’t stop it.