She Never Knew

We met by accident. Call it serendipity. She was in the hospital for trying to take her life. I had a severe fall, and I broke my leg, so I was in the hospital for an x-ray, worried half to death someone would spot the thick white lines flooding my arms. The doctors didn’t notice, nor did my dad, but she did. She noticed before she saw them. I asked her how she knew, and she said, “I saw the look in your eyes. It’s the same look I see in the mirror. Nervous, scared… sad.” She never knew that I figured out why she was in there that day.

She used to stare at me in class, her eyes an ocean blue, popping against her pale skin and short, bleached hair. I’d look over at her every once in a while, and I’d catch her. She’d blush as she dropped her gaze, a small smile forming on her lips. She never knew it, but I thought she was cute.

When teachers called out for groups, I always looked at her first. she’d be looking at me already. Even on her bad days, when she wanted to be alone, she’d find a small reason to smile when she was with me. She never knew it, but I always loved her smile.

We’d be at my house or her’s, and we’d have a fight. Not a normal fight, but a tickle fight. I’d always pin her down with one hand and tickle her with the other until she couldn’t breathe. I got kicked several times, but it didn’t bother me. I deserved it for tickling her. She never knew it, but her laugh made my day brighter.

She was the only girl I ever held hands with, and whenever someone asked why we were holding hands, we’d say, “We don’t need an excuse.” They always asked because we were both girls, and they didn’t think it was ‘normal’. They acted like we weren’t allowed to date unless they knew we were dating… Not that we were dating. She never knew it, but I always wanted to date her.

Her hugs gave me warmth, made me feel like everything was going to be okay someday, even if it didn’t seem like it. I loved the way she would wrap her small arms around me and allow me to nuzzle my head into the crook of her neck while she placed small kisses on the top of my head. She never knew it, but she was the reason I made it through the days from 8th grade to 12th.

One day, her vessel became lifeless. I was going to surprise her that day by coming over and giving her a copy of a movie and book she’d always wanted but could never buy, A Walk To Remember. Her mother was a drunk, so there was no money to spare. She was laying in her bed, empty pill bottles beside her. Her mother thought she was sleeping because she was too drunk to tell that she wasn’t breathing. I never forgave her mother. She could’ve saved her. Her mother continued drinking… She never knew that I was the one who found her.

She never knew that she was my everything, that I loved her.

She never knew…

And now she’s gone.