Hematology Of A Poem Spoiled

hard time finding the perfect jean, 

hard time landing a part-time job, 

hard time sleeping, hard time strict 

with the iron pills. 

ore hour the orange juice spills; 

they are repainting the orange balconies - 

hard time selvedge a poem 

about the orange balconies that are no longer.

(hard time of you no longer,

i breathed the earth on your shirt when

you tried to kiss our end of spring with your feet. 

hard time jumping in more open arms with the 

hard hint of earth in my ear.)

hard time to peel the knot off my rind, 

grinds press the next cigarette: 

i smoked it on your face when 

the tea you served was cold in the night infused.

hard time stumbling on the perfect boots, 

Goodyear welt; soon another good year wrecked. 

rather will i melt - you for the sake of the poem 

i cannot stitch 

about the orange balconies that are no longer.

Here they are, dangling :

On the nod of my neck in the trigon of your elbows 

Haze greying heavy blue. Back home, 

One hour walk till cut; my orange balconies, 

Awaiting. 

Reviews

[Twilight]

It made me think of daily annoyances in life, with some seeming rather more worrying than others. It's clearly quite personal to aspects of life, unique to the writer; and I appreciate that it's deliberately muddled for effect. It is interesting, the ways in which metaphors have been used; although I freely admit that I couldn't be certain about their true meanings to the writer. What is this, "knot of my rind"; for example? As I have never smoked, I couldn't relate to the reference with cigarettes; either. Obviously, it expresses life's turbulence in different ways; for some people.....

[Yoli]

Thank you for taking the time reviewing :)
Very briefly, this poem was a way assess and fuse the intrusive (perhaps dismissively) self-proclaimed silliness in the way of something paramount.
In the stanza you are referring, my ambition was to tackle a sense of erosion evoking source materials where that action can derive from. disintegration before attempt of collecting crumbles - attempt of brewing (the tea).
"knot off my rind", was meant to picture a sense of angst the narrator can't seem to *zest* out. "Rind" is meant to be evocative of the subject but also of the paramount, "the orange balconies" (an orange rind), and something blocking its access. I tried to use the lexical field of citrus fruits in order to achieve that dual linking ("peel","press"). I wanted it to also cast a hue of bitter taste to the stanza.
There's more happening, but I hope this will suffice to give you better keys of understanding my use of "knof off my rind" ^^

[Twilight]

Very briefly. Thankfully, I don't ever encounter the sources of angst in this piece. No wonder, that the protagonist has trouble; "landing a part time job". Quite sad. Perhaps, it was because her orange balconies has been dangling too long lol. So, the weight of supporting them; zapped her of the energy to follow through with "landing" a part-time job.? In my experience, when metaphors are so deliberately personalised by a writer; it removes the point of using them. Unless, it's intended to minimise rather than maximise the numbers of readers - who can actually make any sense of them?.

[Yoli]

You might find it an interesting read to catch a glance about what Nelson Goodman says about metaphors and metaphorical strenght and validity. I prefer to offer my poems as solvable riddles for a reason, i didn't consider this particular one ambitious to be honest, it's quite straightforward !
I'm glad if this poem made you grateful for what you have (or what you don't - encounter, nonetheless), still it was more so in the aim of making the reader question their own existential hierarchies.

[Twilight]

No. You have missed several of the key points, which I made. And, why I made them. Good communication is communication, which people understand quickly. Civilisations which had writers, who used a smokescreen of metaphors would develop at a slower pace; if such language was used. It's not ambitious or clever, to invent such exclusively personalised metaphors; because the best metaphors don't need to be explained. That's because they are the good ones, which have an immediate influence upon their readership; because they're immediately understood. That's the basis of good language usage, throughout human history. Indeed, a five year old could say "green railings blue mood"; and then tell people about a meaning which they have made up. In addition, poor metaphors reduce the popularity of writing; so it's pointless when writers use unnecessarily contrived metaphors for the sake of it.? There's nothing "ambitious" about any writing, which is meaningless; unless a writer has to explain it. Good metaphors are easily understood. Useless metaphors are cryptic and pointless, and what you seem to think of as "ambitious".

[Twilight]

Let's return to a developing civilisation, for example. First scenario. A general has a complexed plan, to invade a rival developing nation nearby. To make his soldiers and other subordinates understand, do you think it would be "ambitious" to explain the battle plan in "ambitious" metaphors.? No, simplicity would help to make a clear plan; which can be understood accurately by all concerned. Second example, say, the emperor of this ancient civilisation has an ambitious new proclamation which he wants his whole nation to understand. He needs every citizen, to both understand and feel inspired; so he uses the simplest possible metaphors in order to be as effective as possible. Now, you don't get more ambitious than a Roman emperor for example, but in situations like that; he would use the simplest possible metaphors to get his points across. So, in your logic; he would not be deemed "ambitious" because he was using clear metaphors - for all of his subjects to understand. We will probably just have to agree to disagree, as they say; as regards our different approaches to how metaphors are used..? I do still hope to see more of your writing, once you get around to posting it. Us writers sometimes find ourselves lost in dark places, or feel periods of melancholy. Other times, phases of enlightenment or heightened mental alertness. Let's keep in touch, and gradually learn more together; on our writing journey..? Best wishes. J

[Yoli]

You lost me at "good communication", poems are not about communication, they are about building multi-referentical approach to things and to offer aesthetic experience. Good metaphors are not about "being easily understood", the metaphoric validity would be then lost. They are not there to be unsolvable either, they have to resist and yield, they are ontologically dialectic. Poems are also not necessarily "valuable" because they are "popular". so yes, it's clever to agree to disagree

[Yoli]

That said i have nothing about simplicity in poems, simplicity when the use of it a blatant *choice* and not a short-falling, can be very filling. But i find it quite queer to except from poems and poets what one would expect from emperors instead of vestals.

[Twilight]

As I mentioned earlier, you don't understand. We will just have to agree to disagree, as they say.

[Twilight]

And, I didn't build The Portrait around any Courtney Love lyrics or ideas. My creativity is always, uniquely my own.

[Yoli]

... please read my review again, you rather seem to be the one jumping to conclusions.

[Twilight]

Maybe so, yes. I will do so. Best wishes.

[Yoli]

this got edited multiple times, touch by touch. It is now more of a piece, no longer a wip

[emmajoygreen]

I sense my words are anything but what you're looking for, sorry about that.

[Yoli]

oh this is surely a misunderstanding, i dearly enjoyed each of your feedbacks, always kind and always attentive, I'm sorry if i didn't reply to you, since i was yet not satisfied with this bit, i felt it had to be worked upon to be deserving :)

[emmajoygreen]

Sometimes, often.. life muddles itself, spins on its own axis until - let's be honest, life blows its own trumpet and falls off the globe, feet first without those leather boots and makes a bare-faced, down to bewilderment of everything! Your words make mad music of it all.. makes me smile yet frown - emotions being what they are. Your post is something to read not just the once but as much and as often as the organge brightens one's mood, one segment at a time. Many thanks for sharing, Yoli.

[Yoli]

"feet first without those leather boots" captures so well of the somewhat sentiment that i tried to express in here, thank you for appreciating this bit

[Pete]

i like this. the problems of life swirling about. quite intriguing. there is an air of interrupting confusion. very nicely told.

[Yoli]

i shielded this piece by the coward inceptive admission of its short-fallings, yet it is very right that it burst out of eagerness to fight back against both a sense of confusion and incapacity to grasp.

[Twilight]

Interesting.