Magma Raven

une nouvelle en cours de traitement: polar et amours d'été (trompeurs) WIP of a short story I'm currently writing: summer loves and polar (unreliable)

S’asseoir sur la rue par une marche-à-pied à ne pas mourir des dix mille pas-de-biches sur ses fesses. Un de plus et le voilà qui saute sur la rue parallèle où elle singe une autre sur sa démarche. Elle l’espionne; la vitrine d’en face le dépasse. 

Mais on est assis; elle marche la sueur de Rome et du bus de nuit. De ses quelques lingettes-intimes-extras-doux, l’eau publique sous les aisselles déjà sèche. Donc il la suit, à la merci de l’extra-doux transportable qui nettoie son entre-jambe. Et elle s’arrête, il ralentit, et elle songe, sur ces nouvelles lèvres à venir, à ce baiser qu’elle a quitté sur le rebord d’un balcon où la chatte est morte.

(Quand la chatte est morte, elle l’a su le lendemain. Quelle bête, noire, et que l’autre, elle aimait comme une chauve-souris qui se dérobe à ce qui lui échappe, et son ombre. 

Le soleil tapait plein des quatre heures d’un deuil qui l’a définitivement privé d’un autre baiser cinq étages au dessus de la flaque où gisait le sang spectre de cette amoureuse.)

Mais on est maintenant à Milan, et il l’a devancé. Le pas long, le nez lourd quand il jette son profil curieux au creux de ses seins. Suivent-ils ? 

Elle sourit et manque son train pour l’étreindre au détour qui l’oppose à la gare qui l’attend. 

Il est toujours devant, poches emplies des deux pieds penauds, chasse, du bel homme ou du paon, chaste. 

Reviews

[Twilight]

In the third paragraph, I could empathise with how the sun zapped his energy to indulge in further kissing; let alone anything more. And, she missed her train for him, which is a form of sacrifice surely; though not major in the bigger scheme of things.? After reading this, I genuinely felt that I wanted to read more; of what happens in the future for these two lovers. And, to know more of their background story. Interestingly, in the very last sentence; the man seems confident enough to "always walk ahead". And, curiously shows other sides evidently; by displaying sheepishness and chastity. Indeed, a side resembling the strutting peacock also; so perhaps this man takes too much pride in his appearance (to the point of seeming vain to his woman). Just realised, that I perhaps made an assumptive error; by my not knowing much of their status as far as passion is concerned? So, she may well not consider herself to belong to this man (at least at this point in the story). The "public water" beneath the woman's armpits, is public in the sense that anyone passing; could publicly smell scent from her sweat? Although, that would only be natural; and an emission of her unique bodily essence. Or, catch site of her sweat showing through her clothing? The woman seems very self-aware in this narrative, so far as it goes...

[Yoli]

The automatic translation gets the pronouns all mixed up. There's 3 characters here, the narrator, the man that is presently seducing her, and the reminiscence of another lover whilst the chase is occurring (the girl whose cat died). thank you for taking the time

[Twilight]

That probably explains the lack of clarity then, if the automatic translation is really so poor in quality on this site..?

[Yoli]

this extract also has a comic twist to it, there's a lot of humorous wordplays than surely appeared nonsensical through the translation ! Either way, this needs work

[Twilight]

Yes, I noticed a few humerous plays on words; which made me smile slightly. Also, I said that I hope you might continue writing this story. I admit that I speculated about the characters, but partly because you had aroused my interest with this narrative. As you said, I understand that it needs working on. And, suspect that writing is an important emotional outlet for you; as it is for many of us writers. After all, there is so much to have angst or passionate feelings about; in this world and life.