Letters to the Editors--All of Them!

just a little fun! who hasn't wanted to send this?

Dear Editors:

I must say, I am a little disappointed in you all. I have poured my heart and soul into writing story after story for you all. I have painstakingly edited and typed out my stories, making sure they were nothing but perfect for you. I have bought the good high-quality paper to print them on. I sent a self-addressed envelope with extra postage just to make sure you don't have to pay a penny to return my story, if you so chose.
And alas, you have chosen to do so--over and over again, in fact. Usually you return them with a form letter saying "Thank you for your submission, but this does not meet our current editorial needs." Somehow you all pick the same phrase. It must be a form letter template in a special editor's version of Microsoft Word that you all use.
I am suggesting a better template for you to send when you respond to my stories. To make it easy for you, I've made a few copies for you and enclosed them. The new letter is as follows:


Dear Tonya:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story. Reading it has changed my life! I am a better person for having read it, and it has made me cry copious amounts of tears. To say that it's the best thing since sliced bread would give far too much credit to the sliced bread industry. We will not only publish your work in the very next issue (I'm about to stop the presses now), we will also pay five, no TEN times our usual rate because this story is far superior to anything else we've ever printed. In fact it makes all of our other stories look like bad and we are now ashamed to have printed them!
In addition to being the best writer I have ever had the pleasure to read the work of in my many years of being an editor, and even a reader, you are also the most beautiful, special, unique person who ever walked on this planet. We've done some checking up and discovered you are the most intelligent person ever, and you are a great mother and nurse. You are a great all-around human being! I am not worthy of even having you read my feeble words that I am typing, so I will close this letter.
If any editor has ever been foolish enough to have NOT published your work in the past, please immediately send me their names and addresses so I can put out a hit on them as soon as possible.

Thanks again for gracing me with your masterpiece.

sincerely,

The Editor

 

Reviews

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Well , if only the world worked the way we would like to see it work .Sent out many pieces of writing have we? I get the picture that that is how most are viewed by uptight snobs who know all of the ins and outs of writing in English BUT , have no talent of their own otherwise they would be writing and not spending their time judging other writer's work .All of that on the basis of whether or not that fits the marketing trends of the times .Standards which are defined by the opinions of money grubbing windbags who just happened to stab enough people in the back to acquire their high ranking positions.At that I take a bow and exit stage left , thank you and goodnight!I'll be here all week.

[Michael Carr]

haha. I enjoyed it, sly cute humor tanya. wonderful little story and a great little satire on the crap we writers go through. great job!

[L. L. Zampelli]

Don't we all wish we could have this response to any of our work.

[Dkincaid]

You're really that good? Damn!!

I am Impressed.

[Bubo]

ha
if only we could hey?!!
Loved this!!Having never tried to be published I have not had that disappointment, but can imagine its pretty hurtful being pulled to pieces..............loved the draft letter!!!
Great sense of humour!

[Gary H]

Wonderful. Really like the light-heartedness surrounding this and completely understand the frustrations involved - so much so that I would never send anything to a magazine editor to avoid receiving that 'special editor's version of Microsoft Word' template reply.

A little humour does wonders to revive the spirits. Thanks!

[J. Swaney]

I love this !!! I will even print it and place it ever so lovingly in my file cabinet. My wife will give me that look (she is a nurse) that one where she purses her lips ever so slightly. My files frustrate her because I have been putting things in them for years and rarely take anything out of them. Anyway I love it and it will go to my faves.

[Tigerlobo]

It must be a form letter template in a special editor's version of Microsoft Word that you all use

I could picture that as a feature of Microsoft Editor 6.0!! VENT THAT FRUSTRATION!!!