Letters to the Editors--All of Them!

just a little fun! who hasn't wanted to send this?

Dear Editors:

I must say, I am a little disappointed in you all. I have poured my heart and soul into writing story after story for you all. I have painstakingly edited and typed out my stories, making sure they were nothing but perfect for you. I have bought the good high-quality paper to print them on. I sent a self-addressed envelope with extra postage just to make sure you don't have to pay a penny to return my story, if you so chose.
And alas, you have chosen to do so--over and over again, in fact. Usually you return them with a form letter saying "Thank you for your submission, but this does not meet our current editorial needs." Somehow you all pick the same phrase. It must be a form letter template in a special editor's version of Microsoft Word that you all use.
I am suggesting a better template for you to send when you respond to my stories. To make it easy for you, I've made a few copies for you and enclosed them. The new letter is as follows:


Dear Tonya:

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story. Reading it has changed my life! I am a better person for having read it, and it has made me cry copious amounts of tears. To say that it's the best thing since sliced bread would give far too much credit to the sliced bread industry. We will not only publish your work in the very next issue (I'm about to stop the presses now), we will also pay five, no TEN times our usual rate because this story is far superior to anything else we've ever printed. In fact it makes all of our other stories look like bad and we are now ashamed to have printed them!
In addition to being the best writer I have ever had the pleasure to read the work of in my many years of being an editor, and even a reader, you are also the most beautiful, special, unique person who ever walked on this planet. We've done some checking up and discovered you are the most intelligent person ever, and you are a great mother and nurse. You are a great all-around human being! I am not worthy of even having you read my feeble words that I am typing, so I will close this letter.
If any editor has ever been foolish enough to have NOT published your work in the past, please immediately send me their names and addresses so I can put out a hit on them as soon as possible.

Thanks again for gracing me with your masterpiece.

sincerely,

The Editor

 

Reviews

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Well , if only the world worked the way we would like to see it work .Sent out many pieces of writing have we? I get the picture that that is how most are viewed by uptight snobs who know all of the ins and outs of writing in English BUT , have no talent of their own otherwise they would be writing and not spending their time judging other writer's work .All of that on the basis of whether or not that fits the marketing trends of the times .Standards which are defined by the opinions of money grubbing windbags who just happened to stab enough people in the back to acquire their high ranking positions.At that I take a bow and exit stage left , thank you and goodnight!I'll be here all week.

[Tony]

.......we will pay five, no TEN....... this is great. Simple, clean, and thank you for gracing me with this masterpiece. Maybe I'm wierd or unfeeling but this was a true relief after spending so many hours perusing thru the usual heartbreaks, trauma, violence and sicknesses that grace the pages of this website.

[Nick Erickson]

I am not worthy to even read or review this piece.
I am not worthy.
I am not worthy.

Excellent.
Well written.
A great letter to keep and send along with any submissions.

[King Pooface]

I really didn't enjoy this. The second letter, the one you made as a template for the editor, seemed more like a cry of self-pity for being rejected than anything else. Perhaps there is a deeper, more meaningful purpose to this that I missed, but I just didn't like this.

[Solst Rapture]

I love it. I may have to borrow it soon..........

Have you actually submitted? I didn't think you had!!!

[Thug Life]

lmao!!! sarcasm is certainly great.. lol love it

[Celtic Cat]

See, now that wasn't so hard, why don't they GET us??? We're so easy to please...!
I think I'd like it better if you actually sent it out to all those editors. : ) Then, it'll be worth it's weightlessness in gold!

[The Lovely Sound Of Cra..]

lmfao You know you're great right?

I really enjoyed reading this. Cracked me up. :) Nice work Tonya!

[Anthony Ackerley]

I read this one and while I was laughing and going 'right on!' I couldn't help but want to be an editor at the same time... but at least I would publish your work if I had a magazine, newspaper, or books to do so. I'd be smart enough to take your advice....I hope lol

Anyway, minor things... you use the phrase 'you all' twice in the opening two lines. Not a big fan personally of that kind of reptition. You also have story and stories fairly close together...and I think it jumped out at me because of the first repetition, but it's something I would fix for myself (i'd just switch the 'story' to 'typed out my manuscripts'...after all, you write more than stories for publication don't ya? lol)

The self addressed stamped envelope reminded me of a funny quote I read...don't remember who by, but it went something like "Don't send a SASE with your submission, an editor will be too tempted not to let it go to waste'...

The sliced bread line was brilliant! I'm so using that line (in conversation, not in writing lol)

Have a line in there "In fact, it makes all of our other stories look like bad..." I was wondering, what exactly does 'bad' look like? lol

And I loved what happens to editors who aren't smart enough to publish your work. Yeah! Punish the idiots! (That's what, about 9/10 of the world's population? lol)

All in all, a great ready. Humor any writer can appreciate, and something that will give non-writer's an idea of the crap we have to put up with for the sake of our art. A rousing 'here! here!' to that.

[Will Pence]

Writers indeed should unite, and form a nerdy mafia so that hits can be put out on 99% of all editors. I read something, somewhere, at some point in time about this editor who was reading submissions on his way to work on the subway, and how if the writing didn't pull him in within the first half page then he wasn't going to waste his time. I think he would be a good candidate for assasination. I've also heard that editors are failed writers themselves, and judging others work is the only way they can get even with the literary world.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

All I can say is this is hilarious and I love it. You have a great sense of humor.