You Belong to Me

wrote this when I was 17 for a class assignment. The teacher was so impressed she put it on an overhead to show everyone. lol

Once there was a young girl, a girl of eight or nine,

Who walked into a toy store looking for a toy so fine;

She looked all around, at all the games and dolls,

But there was nothing right for her, nothing right at all;

Then she saw this one toy, it really caught her eye,

It was very beautiful, and on a shelf so high;

"Some day I will buy you," she said. "Some day, you will see!"

"Some day I will buy you, and you'll belong to me."

She went back to the toy store, she went there every day,

And every time she went there, she would always say:

"Some day I will buy you. Some day, you will see!"

"Some day I will buy you and you'll belong to me."

Once again she went back to the grand toy store,

But she found that things weren't like they were before;

There was another young girl, a girl of eight or nine,

Holding her dear toy, and standing in the line!

"But, this isn't fair!" she said. "I came here every day!"

Then she heard the other girl as she began to say:

"I told you that I'd buy you. I told you that you'd see."

"I told you that I'd buy you. Now you belong to me."

Reviews

[THE BLACK SEAL]

it sent chills up my spine....i was awaiting the flying monkeys with my trusty flyswatter

[Celtic Cat]

How cute and horrific!! lol Poor little girl....I feel really bad for her...and it's fiction, right? Good job!!!

[Dkincaid]

One of the best things I've read here that just "entertained", not meaning to decipher some aspect of life. I did get an aspect out of it, none the less. Read it as a poem, felt it as a story.

[Anthony Ackerley]

I think I say this any time I comment on a poem that rhymes, but I'm not a big fan of it. Except when it works... and this definitely works. I like how you proceed in couplets instead of a different scheme like ABAB, the scheme combined with your word choices really gives this piece a childlike quality to it (in tone only, not in crafstmanship). And that tone just serves to strengthen the actual scene.

And the scene itself is great. Very clear, very direct, and very easy to visualize and even relate to. I think most people have had that "I want that" moment as a child (usually MANY MANY times, never to out grow it actually lol), and you relate that particular event beautifully. It rings true because children covet the things they see and can't have immediately. And I loved the lesson learned at the end, where the first little girl learns that she's not the only one who wants things. I like to imagine her down the road the next time she sees something she wants and working harder to get it, not just going back to look at it and dream. Just looking gets nothing done, something that's always good to keep in mind.


Technically, I have a minor issue with the opening line. Not even an issue really, because the more I think about it, the more I can argue against my own suggestion, but I figured I'd throw it out there anyway, and let you decide.

I would perhaps suggest dropping the division in the line, the "a girl" partm so it reads more smoothly as "Once there was a young girl of eight or nine"

I say change it, because I think it's slightly awkward with that pause in the middle of the line. Not as noticeable when just reading in your head, but when I read it out loud, it sounded just a bit off to me. The beginning should be smoother because that's what draws the reader in.

However, you use that division technique in pretty much every line throughout the piece, and to remove it from the opening line would also remove that continuity, and childlike tone to the piece that I like so much. Your words to me are almost as if a child was speaking them, and that's something that many children do. So, in that sense it rings true.

So like I said, I can argue against myself, just doing my job of pointing out the things I see. Always up to you to decide what to do with what I see.

Oh, and I just thought of something as I reread again. I really enjoy how you don't name the toy... you let the reader's imagination fill in the blank, I think that works much better than if you had said it was a doll, or a stuffed animal, or whatever. Adds connection to the work that you wouldn't otherwise have had. Good job with that.

And good job with everything. You took a topic that is fairly common place (in real life, not necessarily being written about as Mr. Maier points out) and made it unique and interesting, and you did it in a way that rings completely true to the real life scenario, well done :o)

[V. Lucien Maier]

good write.
Not your standard topic and I love that.