The War Within Me

This is an article I wrote for Newsweek magazine. It is a commentary on war

The war within me

Nancy Pofahl

 

For reasons I don’t fully understand, I am still haunted by an event of which I had little or know part,  except as an observer.  A teen, with my child’s innocence ripped from me at a young age.  I wish I could say I was alone but that would be a lie, the event I speak of affected the lives of millions of people.  They called it a police action but that made it sound as if it were some small riot or maybe a robbery being handled by professionals with handcuffs.  The truth is it was handled by a bunch of misplaced civilians, many barely 18 years old.  They were not at this event because they wanted to be, but because of someone’s lapse of common sense put them there.  They called it the draft.  At 18 years old every male had to register with the selective service.  The children were chosen in order of birthday.  Perhaps the most unlucky lottery of all time. 

 

Have you guessed the event I speak of?  Of course, it was called Vietnam.  Over 53,000 of our best and brightest died in the jungles and rice patties of Vietnam, and hundreds of thousands of men and women were forever changed both mentally and physically by a “Police Action“ ..  The official story was a civil war broke out in the country of Vietnam.  The country was divided in half with the communist Vietcong backed by Soviet Union to the north, and the Vietnamese backed by the US and allies to the south.  The US was to be the big hero and defeat the Vietcong and unite the country.  Something, somewhere went terribly wrong.  The US badly underestimated both the strength and determination of the Vietcong.  We lost the police action and the soldiers came home to a country that turned their collective backs on them.  They were spat on and called baby killers. 

 

The treatment given to the veterans of Vietnam, by both the government that ordered them there and the people who professed peace and love was appalling.  Making the veterans the scapegoat for policies put in place by those who had never set foot in the war zone.  Had never seen their best buddy shot to death.  Had never seen little children burned to death from Napalm  and families torn apart by shrapnel.  Whole villages were destroyed and the entire region became unstable with Laos and Cambodia becoming involved and Thailand, though an ally had a black market that was rumored to provide arms to the Vietcong. 

 

Then there the was the drug weapon.  The Vietcong made sure there was plenty of addictive drugs fed to many too willing soldiers looking for a way to cope with what they were seeing and doing.  There were stories of whole platoons being so stoned on Heroin that the Vietcong simply came in and slit their throats.  Unfortunately the drug market in the US was not much better than in Southeast Asia and many of our military people who were addicted to drugs came home and continued their destructive behavior.  This was their escape from the horror of war and the equal horror of returning home to a nation torn by the war in Vietnam, civil rights and  the changing moral and ethical values in this country. All of the changes were necessary and normal for any society, but our military personal were an easy and available target,  caught in the middle between the wrath and upheaval reflecting the social change of our country.  And a stagnant government,, slow to accept the change and  who gladly let the veterans bear this wrath for them. 

 

As if all they faced was not enough, there was Agent Orange.

 

This was a herbicide and defoliant used for about ten years in the military’s herbicidal warfare program.  There were other Agents such as Agent Pink and Green but agent orange was by far the most used and the only one that finally proved to contain dioxins that caused major health issues such as cancer to any one exposed to it, and genetic damage to the children born from the exposed. It took 25 years and major lawsuits against the military, the government and Dow Chemical company, the maker of Agent Orange.  The powers that be were in a major state of denial until so much evidence amassed that they could no longer sweep the problem under the carpet of ignorance.

 

So how could these poor men and women assimilate themselves back into the country once the war was over?  They did not have the overwhelming love given to other soldiers and sailors in past wars and the worst injured and mentally damaged people lay in squalid conditions in our VA hospitals, some for the rest of their lives.    But somehow by the grace of God, many were able to make the transition to civilian life.  Though they suffered permanent emotional scars from the war, they were able to function and even thrive.  Was this a testament to the can do spirit of America? Was it an example of the adaptability and survivability of human kind?  Or was it simply an act of desperation by a group of lost souls just trying to find their way back home.  To try to forget what transpired and instead look forward and do their best to patch the wounds with the love and acceptance of family and friends.

 

As I said in the beginning this war haunts me.  I had one brother in Vietnam, one in Thailand and my husband also spent one year in Vietnam.  I lost friends in the war and watched it tear lives apart.  I was a teenager when this “police action” took place and due to circumstances within my own life,  I looked with eyes too old for me and a heart too young and confused by the contradictions of the times.   I was against the war and indeed spent many hours protesting it… yet I could not see the sense of blaming the returning vets as many did.  I was puzzled by those who called returning vets on the streets “baby killers”, yet they would grieve at the death of a soldier they knew.  They wore MIA bracelets but threw bottles and rocks at the men and women who did make it home.  I was a part of something I could not fully embrace but could not push away either.  I was gulled by the hypocrisy but swept along with the movement. I was torn between guilt, gratitude and grief.  I could not make anymore sense of myself then I could of all that occurred around me.

 

Now its 2007, and I am a married, middle aged mother of two.  We have another war where young people are dying for the wrong reasons.  The confusion I felt so long ago is returning as again I stand for the soldier and against the war.  This time though the country has come of age and can see the cause and effect.  The know the incompetence and irrational actions of the “people in charge”, Are not reflected in the men and women returning home.  They can feel righteous anger at the death and destruction caused by the war, without causing more pain and death here at home.  Our military men and women are not a reflection of our government, they are a reflection of us.

 

Reviews

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

My brother came home with a purple heart from Nam, his pain was deep he never spoke of it. My brother-in-law went awol after what he saw in Nam. I see the same lost in the eyes of the young men and women that are returning from Iraq, that the brothers had back in the late 60's and early 70's. I remember seeing the men with missing limbs and skin grafts. Technology has come a long way that the visible signs we saw so common then are disguised with artificial limbs.

We are suppose to be the superior species, why can't we settle disagreements like superior beings. But even more devasting then the war across the waters, what about the war on the streets. Young people killing each other for nothing. Girls tossing their babies out with the trash. Unhappy kids blowing up their schools. We live in ugly times and all we can do is hope and pray for better days.

This is a good write and very heart felt and touching.

[Berserker[Diktator Von ..]

Do you know anything about My Lai...This was a great read..Thanks for writing this and filling the world in on the goings abouts of the past and the U.S....It was very informative...Great job! =)

[Samuel Dickens]

Vietnam vet here, US Navy from october '67 to feb '88. I agree with everything you said. Lucky for me, I guess, I never saw any of the anti-military stuff that you speak of, although I'm sure it happened. I support the military, but not Bush's war in Iraq.