Sore of life

​I twisted and turned. I flipped and drowned in my dreams. Then bathed my body in the salt of my shameful tears, so look at what you've done to me. My skin is bruised, my soul is scared, my brain is wrecked, my feet are sore and my wrists are open cut but my blood is only water and that's why i'm not dead. I open my eyes thinking all i'd see was the dark, i was right, it was the dark, except it was familiar darkness, it was not the darkness that followed after you're gone. It was the void you stay at when you needed help. It was where you think. It was were you wish you were dead. I wished i was dead, after all, i'm the one who tried killing herself. In the middle of nowhere i found myself and got lost in my thoughts. They were gone, aren't they? I was dead, aren't i? I knew nothing then, all i knew was all my chances have either burnt or melted or expired. All i knew was that i should be gone. Then i heard voices, whispers, sniffs, and cries and i wanted to shout because i liked the dark, i wanted to shout because being lost in the dark was better than being scared of the light. Thinking was not an issue in the dark, thinking was a fact. You'd ask yourself a billion questions yet you're not affected if you have no answers. Unlike reality. Reality is where you cry out the question and trip at the answer and fear the missing parts. I either hated my life or i hated the world so much. My eyes started to open, the image blurry, and by each passing second it adjusted. A zillion questions stroke my head all at once, that gave me the hardest hit on the head i've ever felt, i moaned and shut my eyes so much and twisted inside and out, i held my head in my hands which were held up to something tall, something metal, they were connected through a thin tube, but it was not the issue and i didn't notice or look closely at that time. These questions gave me headache, the headache started fading but not completely, surly it left its mark but it didn't stop me from getting up. If i can't die the way i want to, then i will not die. If i'm not dead yet, i'll continue to fight. I moaned and sighed as i got to an upright position on what appeared to be a hospital bed. I saw my mom, my brother, my aunt, and my grandparents. Where were my friends? As i was about to throw the first question i had for the people who were there, i realized we ask too many questions. The world is not the question, the world is the answer. For our questions are more complicated than they should be, for we don't think wisely before we speak, for we are reckless and never on the same side. So i didn't utter a word. Then i saw a man in a white coat standing beside my mom and i heard him say "It's normal for her to be that hurt specially on the head, she suffers migraines, it's normal after such accident, and those headaches are completely harmless and a natural cause of the migraines" then i saw my mom nod, "accident" he said, huh, i thought about the word accident for a while, a very long while, even after i got home, i thought of a billion meanings to that word. Accidents. Accidental. Accidentally. The whole idea appeared to me as a lie. There are no such things called accidents. In life, nothing is an accident. In life, everything is planned. We use that word to lie to ourselves, to blame damage on the universe or on the circumstances. Some things in life happen without our approval or involvement, but it is a plan. As humans we look for something to blame all the time. Our finances, jobs, friends, family, cars, pets, neighbors, seasons. So when something that is perfectly pure and for a reason we do not know, recall, or recognize. When something we have no hands in happen, we start blaming the circumstances. When circumstances cannot be blamed, we start blaming the universe. And instead of saying that it's the universe's fault so as not to be seen mad, we say "it was an accident" but there is no such thing. There are no accidents. There are only planned events, precise circumstances, and strong reasons. And you might not know all three if them, but accept it all as it is.

Reviews

[Rassoul]

I really loved this, you chose your words wisely and you made the whole story sound great.

"I wanted to shout because being lost in the dark was better than being scared of the light."

This was kinda my favorite part.

And one last thing, I guess "Zillion" wasn't the right word, you could've used a different word.

Keep writing, cheers.

[Nourhane]

Thanks for the encouragement and the advice!