Dread for Perceiving

I will to think this way more than I do - maybe that would make everything easier. The world doesn't feel this romantic, not really, however hard I try to fade into the rosy fog of sentiment.

I haven’t arrived yet - only in my dreams. The pitter of the rain rings through my dreaming ears, not quite daring to awake to another day of checklists full of laundry and avoidance of the big move. I wish to stay here, where sadness is romanticized and I have fallen in love with him and more. It isn’t hard to steady myself in a world where the ocean is within reach, yet it feels just as simple to drift off into an allurement of reality and creature comforts. 

What a day to be reminded of my creative liberties even as my mind runs off in a sea of numbers and letters all pertaining to the complex subjectivity of it all. Can I dare not listen to those numbers without teetering off the edge of this novel world that I have stepped into. It’s only a dream. Only an impossibly contemplative commandeering by my subconscious, sure to tease me with a life that heart-break yearns for. It is so easy to romanticize this and you and us, so easy to ignore the reality watching me from around the corner by admitting my own evasion in these pages. Couldn’t that be enough? Let me turn my feelings into a movie, where a younger me would itch for the melodrama. They have no place here, not where I dream and create and collect sparks. Here is for romance. 

Remind me of the way I wish to write to you, not as a being but as a feeling full of warmth. You and you, and you, that I don’t choose to know through kindness and beauty but through a tunnel-vision of intimate orange and in the blurry weightless sea. Forget the cold, not when I am consumed by the energetic world of living, interconnected.

Here, words don’t add up except to feel right. Here is how I feel, and although it is written in a combination of letters, the words don’t exist the same way they do when we speak. They don’t explain much, except the excess of misplaced letters that create a fog in my own head, preventing a settlement into comfortable unknowing. Oh, how I love unknowing.