Those Days

Story of a girl with depression and an eating disorder.

One day

I started noticing things

About myself.

Small at first

Like the size of my wrists;

Then bigger

Like my thighs.

I didn't know what I was doing

And I ended up with a therapist

Who didn't talk and didn't help.

I got better;

I looked at myself

And I seemed

Smaller.

I took better care of myself.

I felt good.

I left it alone, and didn't work.

Eventually I started noticing again

But didn't know -

I didn't eat as much those days

And assumed it was normal.

I stopped eating lunch altogether

And only took breakfast

When my parents noticed I hadn't left my room.

I started drawing on my wrists

With sharp pens

And I didn't laugh much.

I didn't notice myself.

I didn't notice my lack of food

Sleep

And happiness;

I put my energy into

Holding onto friendships

And making new ones;

Finding someone more than a friend.

My gears rusted and went slower in my head

Until one day it clicked

That all my friends had lunch

And I was the only one

Who didn't.

I looked in the mirror those days

And wondered if people thought I was fat

Like I did.

Once I realized that

The rest came rushing through -

My wobbly legs

From holding my friends

As if I was Atlas holding the world;

My constant tiredness, even after I slept;

My lack of feeling,

My hollowness.

On those days

I thought about self harm

And if anyone would notice

If I stole another lighter.

I pushed those feelings aside

Because I didn't matter like my friends.

I started arguing more

And was told I was leaving for a year -

Alone.

Sometimes I felt happy.

Sometimes I felt afraid.

On those days I wished that I could drink

And wondered if my friends would care

If I asked them if I could have their parents booze;

I never did.

Finally it came to the point

Where my gears were so rusted

They stopped

And I broke.

On that night I thought about suicide

And had to get talked out of hurting myself

By two girls -

One my best friend and former love

The other a girl on the internet

Who seemed to have a crush on me

But not so noticeable that I could tell.

They offered me affection

And happiness

And comfort.

On those days, I felt a little more wanted

And thought about what would happen

If I kissed one of them.

I never did.