just my thoughts

A Story by anja

I'm new here and before I even start writing (if I do), I felt the need to just let out what I feel and think right now in order to understand myself more. It's kinda messed up but I tried.

I've been thinking a lot lately. Not that I usually don't, but lately I've been down in dumps and I've been trying to get myself back together and just overcome everything. It's not unusual for it to happen. I get in that mood once a week, once a day. It's not something that simply goes away. When people ask, ''Wow, are you feeling down again?'', yes. Yes, because it's not again, it's constant and it doesn't end. My mind is set on various things. Family, school, future, past, my cat that is always hungry and I can't control his appetite anymore causing absurd about of money going on his food. Silly little cat but I love him.

Growing up in this era may be a privilege or not, I don't really have opinion. A lot is going on but at the same time, nothing really. Lot of killing, hate, blood. Lot of dying, sickness. But there is a brighter side, right? Looking to the future and hoping it will be better. Hoping. All that looking and hoping make me nervous, make me stress and I end up on a verge of going crazy. There are a lot of things I want to do, I have a lot of dreams, don't we all?

All comes back to my down in dumps mood and my mind set on various escapes, one of them being a bullet trough the brain. Future and dreams.

Growing up, I was a quiet kid but a really creative one. Art is something that helped me express myself. With art came writing and I found myself relaxed when I did that, like right now, letting the thoughts go. But, like everyone else, I have my insecurities. Those insecurities (and financials) led to me not going to art school. I'm in a Business and law school now. Managing trough it. I even got a scholarship. Even though that is all great and school isn't that bad, I'm probably gonna end up doing something I never really wanted to do with my life.

If I focus on writing aspect of my life now, I haven't written anything in the past month. Why? Because I think my writing is horrible and I can't stand it. I write. I write, read it, then hate it. I compare it to someone's writing, I hate it. Hate myself. My mind sets on it then and I'm back in the gaping hole of the thoughts that drown me. We all have different writing style, right? We are all different, I get it. But why do I have to be the bad different one? I hate myself a lot. People say it's a phase, puberty. I hope it is, because 4 years of this is not really comfortable.

It's not about me desperately wanting this to be something I'll get paid for. It's about me enjoying doing the things I love, the things that help me.

So, I don't really know if this makes sense, I've been jumping from one topic to other but I kinda feel relived. Also this is the most personal thing I wrote. Now I can't really say that I gave up on writing since I wrote this. I don't want to give up on it (or art), but I feel like I needed to clear some things with myself first.