The facts can't always not add up.

Bruises, my medals I wear underneath my eyes.
They are dark, and cloudy like your disposition.
It hurts to look at my own light because of you.
It's always too bright to see, too much pain too.

Able no longer by your body, you're willful.
To set the world on fire, burning the books.
The facts can't line up when your this jaded.

Bruises, the alarm clock for bad memories.
Of not so long ago, their right at my front door.
It's not your turn to talk, wait until its corrupt.
Displace this weak feeling, its ready to die.

Able no longer by my body, I'm to willful.
To set your world on fire, burning the lies.
To set your world on fire, with my gaze.
To set your world on fire, with my bruises.
The facts can't always not add up.

Temperamental motions your hands.
I have a knife thats waiting in my mouth.
To cut out the cancer in my vision.
Steady hands please, it would suck to miss.

My mirror it lies to me, it hides for me.
Cause I'm too scared to, do it anymore.
Capsule excuses flood your system.

Able no longer by my body, I'm too willful.
To set your world on fire, burning the lies.
To set your world on fire, with my gaze.
To set your world on fire, with my bruises.
The facts can't always not add up.

Author's Note

I forgot to add these notes. but thanks for the reviewing of the grammar. I was rushed to write this, but it gets the point across. But yes the grammar is horrible. so yeah. Thanks. :)

Reviews

[Natalie C]

Hey Lee, this really was a great piece, with great potential
You have some powerful images in this piece that really seems to work well in getting your message across, I specially like the repeated lines....

Able no longer by my body, I'm too willful.
To set your world on fire, burning the lies.
To set your world on fire, with my gaze.
To set your world on fire, with my bruises.
The facts can't always not add up.

Almost giving this piece a lyrical feel to it, which I personally thought was great.

[Gary H]

Yeah, do take notice of Kara's review below. This is really cool and as she says has a fantastic start. It's worth changing to make this excellent. I like the repetitive lines/stanzas, think they work really well. The tale told appears without redemption but really impacts on the reader.

[Kara Emily Krantz]

this is really well done. and powerful. there are some definite editing things you should do, but if done this piece could be really tight.

"Bruises, my medals I wear underneath my eyes.
They are dark, and cloudy like your disposition.
It hurts to look at my own light because of you.
It's always to bright to see, to much pain too."

This verse is really great - a fantastic beginning. it reels us in. just make sure you change "to" to "too" since that is the one that you mean. that was the most obvious grammatical/typing error i saw throughout the piece.

"Able no longer by your body, your willful.
To set the world on fire, burning the books.
The facts can't line up when your this jaded."

This verse was confusing - especially that first line. i dont.... get it... at all. I can't figure out what you mean. the last line is good, but change the "your" to "you're" or "you are". :)

"Bruises, the alarm clock for bad memories.
Of not so long ago, their right at my front door.
It's not your turn to talk, wait until its corrupt.
Displace this weak feeling, its ready to die. "

The first two lines are really well done. However, I didn't feel like the third and fourth line really connected at all... you change your point, so it loses it's power.

"Able no longer by my body, I'm to willful." = should be "too"

"To set your world on fire, burning the lies.
To set your world on fire, with my gaze.
To set your world on fire, with my bruises.
The facts can't always not add up. "

Love this, and I really like hwo you chose to repeat this later on. nice choices. :)

"I have a knife thats waiting in my mouth.
To cut out the cancer in my vision."

that is powerful- i LOVE THAT. however, why do you have a knife in your mouth if you want to cut out your vision? i get it, but it's a little awkward.

"Steady hands please, I would suck to miss. " - i'm guessing you mean "it would suck" ?

"My mirror it lies to me, it hides for me.
Cause I'm to scared to, do it anymore.
Capsule excuses flood your system."

A little awkward. Perhaps:

"My mirror - it lies to me, it hides for me.
Because I'm too scared to do this anymore.
Capsule excuses flood my system."

Maybe?

I hope you don't mind my suggestions. I just really appreciated this poem, and instead of just leaving a "yeah this is nice" comment, I thought maybe I'd offer some constructive criticism....

hugs