Don't fall asleep

Sleepy car ride

Little Jamie closed his eyes, letting the hum of the car take over his body. The vibration relaxed him. He let his head wobble back and forth, up and down, warped by sleepiness.

 

"Don't fall asleep..." His father shot a warning glance at his son in the rear-view mirror.

 

Jamie couldn't help it. The car ride was making him feel so drowsy. He tried to open his eyelids, but they were weighed down by exhaustion.

 

"Don't fall asleep now, Jamie," his father reminded again, this time turning in his seat to face him. His father offered one of his hands, while keeping the other firmly on the steering wheel.

 

Jamie's hand curled around his father's finger. He held it for a moment, enjoying his father's presence. It was such a large finger - coarse and thick; its strength made him feel safe. The lull of shelter felt nice. Warm. The sleepiness started pulling him under again. Just one minute, one dream. He'd wake up again. Promise. Just a tiny nap. Only for a second.

 

Jamie's fingers slipped away. 

 

"Jamie, you have to stay awake!" His father was furious, and roughly grabbed Jamie's arm.

 

Jamie didn't say anything. His arm and body were limp despite his father's efforts to wake him.

 

"Please Jamie. Stay with me!" His father cried. "We're almost at the hospital!"

 

Little Jamie remained unresponsive. The only movement was the blood from his wounds, seeping through his clothes and onto the car seat.

 

"Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep..." Jamie's father chanted. His voice became fainter and fainter, until there was nothing left than a whisper.

Author's Note

First attempt at 3rd person. Appreciate any reviews - I will return the favor ;)

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

I was wondering when you were going to pull the rug out from under the reader and you didn't disappoint. When I started reading this, I thought to myself 'no way in hell is this just about a car ride' and lo and behold, I was right. That being said, my dad used to put me to sleep by taking me on car rides, so I was almost fooled because I can sympathize.

You give it away to the reader with the word 'hospital' and then you clean it up with a tight, sad ending. I want to find more to criticize, but....oh wait!

The majority of this story is written in very simple English - as it should be. How often do you hear the word brusquely in conversation? I don't think I ever have. It's a petty complaint against a fantastic story, but you may want to consider a different, more casual synonym.

[BlackRose]

wow. You had me wondering about a few things in the middle. Like, omg. Is he going to make it? Whats wrong with him? What happened? Great way to keep a reader's attention!

[Fallacy Pharmacy]

Wow.... Once again, this is fantastic! Made me upset.. If you are able to manipulate your readers emotions with your work, which you just did, you are a brilliant writer! Keep up the good job :)

[Taylor H.]

omg! that took a turn. omg thats so sad. i thought it was going to be a cute little story about a boy falling asleep in the car. OMG thats so sad! i liked it. great job, didnt see that coming. I thought the dad was just a jerk at first....this is going into my library