Don't fall asleep

Sleepy car ride

Little Jamie closed his eyes, letting the hum of the car take over his body. The vibration relaxed him. He let his head wobble back and forth, up and down, warped by sleepiness.

 

"Don't fall asleep..." His father shot a warning glance at his son in the rear-view mirror.

 

Jamie couldn't help it. The car ride was making him feel so drowsy. He tried to open his eyelids, but they were weighed down by exhaustion.

 

"Don't fall asleep now, Jamie," his father reminded again, this time turning in his seat to face him. His father offered one of his hands, while keeping the other firmly on the steering wheel.

 

Jamie's hand curled around his father's finger. He held it for a moment, enjoying his father's presence. It was such a large finger - coarse and thick; its strength made him feel safe. The lull of shelter felt nice. Warm. The sleepiness started pulling him under again. Just one minute, one dream. He'd wake up again. Promise. Just a tiny nap. Only for a second.

 

Jamie's fingers slipped away. 

 

"Jamie, you have to stay awake!" His father was furious, and roughly grabbed Jamie's arm.

 

Jamie didn't say anything. His arm and body were limp despite his father's efforts to wake him.

 

"Please Jamie. Stay with me!" His father cried. "We're almost at the hospital!"

 

Little Jamie remained unresponsive. The only movement was the blood from his wounds, seeping through his clothes and onto the car seat.

 

"Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep..." Jamie's father chanted. His voice became fainter and fainter, until there was nothing left than a whisper.

Author's Note

First attempt at 3rd person. Appreciate any reviews - I will return the favor ;)

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

I was wondering when you were going to pull the rug out from under the reader and you didn't disappoint. When I started reading this, I thought to myself 'no way in hell is this just about a car ride' and lo and behold, I was right. That being said, my dad used to put me to sleep by taking me on car rides, so I was almost fooled because I can sympathize.

You give it away to the reader with the word 'hospital' and then you clean it up with a tight, sad ending. I want to find more to criticize, but....oh wait!

The majority of this story is written in very simple English - as it should be. How often do you hear the word brusquely in conversation? I don't think I ever have. It's a petty complaint against a fantastic story, but you may want to consider a different, more casual synonym.

[Crowley]

Nice...I like shorts like this and having kids who have a time or two bumped the heck out of they're heads, I understand the keeping them awake thing. Nice writing, keep it up girl.

[Elvina CZq]

First, the title caught my attention. Second, I started to read the story and thought, "How come the father not letting the child sleep during the car ride?" Then, I thought it maybe not a simple car ride. That's when the last past caught me, and oh wow... you really write it good.

[Mary]

Wow, I didn't see that coming, I was knocked over by this, so that means i really like it. It was short but somehow you suprised me and made me feel for the characters, you are very talented.

[Cassandra D.]

This was such an emotional story.
The ending was so well written...
You should make a second story about this :)

[::Yv0nne::]

Oh so sad...i was not expecting that ending at all. I just thought the little one wanted to take a nap since thats really all children do. What happened to poor little Jamie?? Overalll well written except.."he let his head wobbled back and forth.." should be wobble. Excellent job:)

[LoveAndDreams]

Oh my gosh, this is so sad and so amazing in it!! It really is a great piece of work!

[Liz]

I thought this was very sad, but very well written. I, like another reviewer, thought the dad was being a jerk. It makes me wonder what happened to the little one - and makes me want to hug my little one even tighter.

[Gabriella]

I thought this was really unique. At first I thought he had a concussion, but apparently it was much more serious. While this was a good read on its own I really feel like it would be more engaging if it were longer. I would describe whether or not the little boy is in pain, and if he isn't, why not? Also, you might not really care for this suggestion, but hinting at how he got his injuries might make this more haunting. I do realize you may have wanted to leave that a mystery for your own purposes.