The quiet terror of being alive

My latest work , I'll probably change this a lot but here it is for now

Marina ,
I told myself ,
I'm ready to leave ,
this twisted existence
is not where I belong

I've always went the easy way through life
so that's why
my last words to this world ;
will be merely a farewell
because not any letter can make it easier for you ,
when you find me like this in October

I've been half dead and rotten
since I was ten ;
that one day , every July
I wished I was dead ,
noone ever knew so
we would all always laugh ,
but that one person in the room ,
would later cry herself to sleep

Never have I deserved the gift of life ,
so I'll be deep beneath the earth ,
buried in the dirt
by October ;
I no longer contribute to this world

While you were gone I became a poet ,
they told me I write so beautifully
because my mind must be a terrible place to dwell
and for the first time they were right

Forgive me if I die ,
I'm only sorry for leaving you in solitude ;
I'll probably end up in a land somewhere far
from where you will go when you die , too
since I haven't announced myself coming
and I might not be welcome

and if I do must die by this October night ,
know that my life's best part
was your life ,
my love

What would you have done ;
if you had seen
that I'll be dead by the age of nineteen?

I'll put on my lipstick and dress nice for Death ;
they all asked me
why am I all dressed up
with nowhere to go
as I walked out the door

Tears were falling down my cleavage ,
I seduced Death ,
he couldn't resist
the blood on my lips ;
I got him on his knees ,
pleasing me
and pulling my hand ,
I turned around and smiled ,
but I was always
too sober to do it

I should drink a few more glasses of wine ,
it'll help end the suffering quicker ,
and the choice I made was only mine ,
women like me never last long in this world

I've always liked choking anyway ;
the rope was waiting for me
but I was brushing my hair ,
racing with the time

I will end this , finally I decide
I smiled ; depression had lost ,
but I've broken my chains quite late
and life was the cost