My Friend.

I have lost you.

And I can find no happiness in this pain.

I still have the memories

The times we argued

Laughed and cried.

I still have your face

Forever ingrained

In my mind

My heart.

But where is the happiness in this pain?

This loss.

I have lost you.

How can I smile

Knowing you never will again.

How can I laugh

As I start to forget

The sound of yours.

How can I breathe

Everyday imagining

What I could have,

Should have told you

With that breath

I can find no happiness in this pain.

This loss.

I have lost you.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A very sad poem dear Mae. Some people we lose. Cannot ever be forgotten. I felt the sadness and the heartbreak in the words. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry.
Coyote

[mae23]

Thank you very much.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome my friend.

[Poetic Beauty]

The heartbreak is very clear in this piece; Emotional and helpless.

[mae23]

Thank you for the review!

[Anjali]

The pain in this piece I think is it's best feature. The way you described the pain is absolutely amazing, and it's so heart touching! I felt really sad reading this poem! You've touched my heart!☺

[mae23]

Thank you very much this review means a lot to me. Thank you.

[Anjali]

You are welcome!

[Dave]

Mae -
I see what you mean about the similarities in our two poems. The pain is sometimes just inexplicable.

[JayG]

If I was the one you're writing about it would probably have meaning. But I don't know who's speaking, how they lost the one being talked to, or anything meaningful. Someone could be lamenting a lost love, a lost parent, child, or many other things. So you're telling the reader things, but in the end, what can the reader do but say, "Uh-huh. That's a shame."

And that's not what readers are seeking. They're not looking to know. They want you to make them FEEL.

Poetry isn't about facts, it's about emotion, and not yours—the reader's. Your goal is to make someone you have never met laugh, cry, or roar in rage, all through how you choose and place your words. And you do that not knowing the age, gender, or cultural norms of the reader. Given that, you can't accomplish your mission by talking TO them, because while you hear emotion in the words, the reader "hears" pretty much a computer voice, unless-you-make-them-feel by empathizing (have your computer read it aloud to hear what reader gets).

So, when you say, "Where is the happiness in this pain?" what can that mean to someone who doesn't know what caused the pain, and even if it's emotional or physical. You've placed effect—the pain, before the cause. So how can a reader do anything but shrug?

But suppose you'd made line three the first one, and dropped line two. The reader still doesn't know who "you" is, or who's speaking. And it's still a recitation of facts, but now, it makes sense as it's read:
- - - -
I have lost you.
Where is the happiness in this pain?
- - - -
See how keeping the reader's desire for context in mind can help you approach the piece in a more accessible way?

And in the end, you say it all in the first stanza. Someone who matters has been lost. The other lines only repeat: "What did I do wrong?" in different ways. So in effect, you make your point...you drive your point home...you hit your point with a hammer...you... ;)

But suppose the first stanza was the last one. and what went before makes the reader fall in love, and know the protagonist's joy. Then, when we learn of HOW the protagonist learns of the affair's ending, the reader will react as-that-character-does, and in effect, write the rest of what you had, for themself. So instead of telling of loss, you make the reader feel loss. And isn't that more what you read poetry for?

There is a name for the kind of poem where the speaker laments a lost love, endlessly. Such poems fill the pages of high school lit mags, moaning that love is pain, and life a source of endless suffering. They call them dismal damsel poems. But now that you know WHY they're called that, you can write emotion-based poem, not fact-based. And that makes all the difference.

Hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets any easier, but with work, we do end up confused on a higher level.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[mae23]

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice! I did some editing to this piece and I already think it is sounding better. I greatly appreciate everything you said. Thank you! :)