To the moon and never back

A Story by noor banihani

unsent letter for my love

In the first, I wasn’t accepted falling in love with you, I knew it's more than being in a fight. like riding a bull, but you are not a bullfighter. like riding a ship, but you have a seasickness. like lying under the stars on a cool night, but you can't see anything because you are blind. And what's hurt more is that you want to do all of that, is that you want to challenge bulls, is that you like to breathe in the middle of a sea, and see the bright in stars. I did not try to save myself from thinking about you because that was not even a thing to think of. But before I close my eyes for the first time, I fell in love with you, with every cell in my body. I thought it just for a short time, I thought it's a just illusion that will disappear before I open my eyes again, but as the time was passing, I started to lose myself in the bright of your eyes. I started to love you a love that I never loved before. As I always say " I love you to the moon and NEVER back," never ever! Let my love for you stay there, on the moon, between the bright stars, and far cry from anyone would fall in love with you. Let us stay there, watching the shooting stars, hand by hand. and with every breeze, I'll feel freeze. And your hug is the only warm star between all of these stars. I don't want a romantic kiss, I just want your voice whisper in my ear with three words " you are mine". I don't want a normal love or a mad love, I just want you, and the rest is for you. Love me as you want and in any way you want. Just love me with all of your heart. Let every word you write be for me, and only me. Let your eyes stuck in mine, and never wear your eyeglasses after my departure. Love me as much as you love to write. In a way that will make me breathe. Don’t tell me that you love me, but come to me with a butterfly after two years of going out together and tell me that you feel hundreds of butterflies in your stomach whenever you talk with me. tell me that your heart beat like if you were a deer and a hunter running after you, but something stopped you and made you back to that hunter with all of your strength. It's a scenario that will never happen, do you know why? Because we are both on different roads, forget the age, but we can't because there is only one thing in common between us and it's that we breathe the same thing, and I don't mean the air. and everything else is different, unknown, and even the reason behind our breath is different. and our love is not "our", it's from one side, and sadly it's from my side. Sadly, I'm the one who traveled to the moon and died because of a shooting star. It's not because of you, it's because of me! I always fall in love with the wrong persons. But this time I'm scared. Didn’t they say" There is no first love, there is a strong love that comes and removes whatever was before, even if it was the thousand"? I'm scared that this you, that I'll never get over you, that I'll always be waiting for you to the rest of my life. I still remember that we are on different roads, but I want to grab every lock of your hair into mine. Why? Why you can't notice the love in my eyes? The fear, and shiver in my voice? I don't just escape my eyes from yours, I escape them from anyone and anything, even the sky. And even though, everyone notices the love signs in my eyes, just you, who did not notice that. Like when you write a book for one person, and everyone read it, just the one you want to read, is the only one who doesn't. Do you know why it's hard to love you? Because I can't find a way to say that for you because if I write thousands of books, novels, and poems, you will never know that you are my protagonist, or that I mean you with every word and every line in my poems. because you will never look to me as I look to you. When I loved you, my beauty blue sky turned into a deep dark sky, and I never saw the stars after that. I'm tired. I'm tired of smelling the papers, that you have touch, the air that you walked through. I'm tired of waiting for you to look to me, to say my name, or even waiting for you to enter from that door. I'm tired of all of these. I want to write about the blue sky, but since I started to write, I did not write anything that doesn't relate to your long black- brilliant hair. My friend said that this is not a love, and whatever it was, it will disappear. But thinking of you still killing me, so what that mean?

© 2017 noor banihani

Author's Note

English is not my native language, and its the first time I wrote like this, so pay attention to that. I know that my grammar is still bad, but I want comments on the ideas and vocabulary