Chapter 1

A Chapter by what you want

Chapter 1

The wind blew the light smell of pine incense through my room, and decided to create summer. The sun warmed my face to wake me. Something I would thank him for doing. I didn’t know I would start to hate him for it. Hate was beginning to feel familiar, happiness a stranger, my smile a distant relative.

Tuesday. Or wednesday? Maybe even Friday, or Sunday. I didn’t pay attention to that in the summer. Not much of a point. I didn’t work, I didn’t have a girlfriend, I didn’t do anything. I was fourteen and thought too much. Some people might blame my lack of motivation on the thoughts, the voices. I blame it on the sunless room. Some people might blame that on the thoughts. Honestly, I don’t know. The suns gone, thats what I know.

My mom doesn’t wake me up anymore. My dad doesn’t either. Thats not a bad thing. I sleep in till 11 every day. Sometimes I take 5 benadryl to have weird dreams. Sometimes I don’t wake up till four or five.

I had a dream once I was driving a car. A red one. I was going fast. I didn’t care where or why. I didn’t even care about driving. It was just going on its own. I rushed past cars, almost hitting every single one. The road was on a steep cliff, going down. The trees were made of men and women standing on the edge of the cliff. Alive but frozen, only their eyes would move. Two where we have eyes, and a third on their forehead. The car had come close to the edge, when one tree opened its mouth and dragged the car in by his red tongue. The tree swallowed me whole and I fell until I hit the ground. The car came too. The room where I landed was dimly lit by a torch on the wall. In a neat line circling the room were clocks, all showing 7:00. They were also all broken. A man came up to me and told me I had wrecked my car, and asked if I wanted it fixed. I asked if there was a way out. He said always. He asked again if I wanted my red car fixed. I said please. He tipped his red hat and clicked his red shoes. He smiled with his red lips. He told me, “of course, that’ll only cost your mind.” I said okay. He took my mind and didn’t fix my car.

When the wind blew my eyes slowly open, I got out of bed. My room was a mess. The floor was covered with dirty clothes, and books I had only half read. I kicked them aside to make it to the door. I went to add clear vision to my day. I hated doing that. It always reminded me I had flaws. A common flaw yeah but a flaw none the less.

Before I went downstairs I had to remind myself of all the other flaws I have.

Now have a nice day.

Yeah, you too.

“Poppy,” my mom called just after I touched the first stair going down. Thats whats she always called me. Ever since I was born. I don’t even know what it means. I turned around and walked to my moms door.

“Yeah mom?” She was sitting up with her hands in her lap, fidgeting with something back and fourth. She was looking down. I wish didn’t do that so much. She looked up and the water in her eyes winked at me. That hurt. Like a slap to the face.

“Mom are you okay?”

“Oh yeah, of course honey,” she said with a smile. I saw despair break her smile. My heart walked away to find a new one. I stayed behind to help the broken one. I could see the fear rest on her face. I could see the sadness eat the light in her eyes. I kept telling myself my heart would fall into the sunless room soon before coming back. I don’t know what I meant, but I believe what I said.

“I just wanted to talk to you quick, thats all,” I wish her voice hadn’t sounded so broken, so unlike her own

I knew something happened. I don’t think you can feel anything without a heart, and mine left. I still don’t know what’s worse. Feeling low and dark and consumed by sadness, or not feeling anything at all. Sometimes I don’t know if theres a difference.

I sat down on the bed next to her. She had started rubbing her feet, like she always was.

“I had a doctors appointment today,”

I didn’t feel anything. Thats when I knew that I was right. You can’t feel anything without your heart, and mine was gone looking for that lost smile. I still don’t remember what I said. But I remember asking myself why I didn’t cry.

A few nights ago I had been laying awake in bed. Staring. Thinking. My brother walked in. We shared a room. He fell on his bed to the right of me and I pretended to be asleep. I always did that when people came in. I don’t know why. I could hear his breathing quicken, and then darken. I could hear quiet weeps escape, like cries for help he wasn’t brave enough to let out. I never asked him what was wrong or what had happened. He was the older brother, that was his job. It doesn’t matter, I found out on my own three days later.

I remember after she told me she had cancer I didn’t feel anything. I knew it turned the light off so my heart couldn’t find its way back, but I didn’t even know what that meant. All I said was, “It’s okay mom, we’ll get through it.” And then I gave her a foot massage.

I really don’t know what happened the next few days. I wasn’t as close with Emily or any else in my family. Emily was one of my older sisters. She was 15. One year older but two grades ahead of me. She was young for her grade. I didn’t talk to her or anyone in my family about what the doctor found. My dad did have a “family meeting” to explain what was going to happen next. I don’t really remember it. I was thinking about the empty feeling in my chest. I think that was when I got into the red car. My family got in one, I got in another.

My mom was to start chemo treatment a few days later. I could tell everyone in the family was scared, but they were trying to live happy and keep going. I never liked that and always found it fake and sick. Acting like it was okay seemed kind of screwed up to me. But I understand what they were trying to do. They were being brave a strong.

My mom’s smile came back. It wasn’t the one she was born with, but it wasn’t owned by fear anymore. It was fear.

I remember thinking that Sam didn’t deserve this. She was only nine. She didn’t know what this meant, what it would lead to. None of us did. The chemo killed the cancer, and she survive but not before the cancer killed my mom.

My dad didn’t go to work today. I wondered what his boss said to him on the phone the day before that made him so mad. I had to ask why my dad wasn’t working as much three or four times before they told me he got laid off. I laughed about the timing. Chemo one week, lost job the next. I guess that’s just the way it goes.