Wicked Veins

Wicked Veins

A Poem by Daydreamer
"

Something I wrote randomly in 4 minutes.

"
These wicked veins were

getting too narrow

from my bitter state

enclosed in a body

that'd do nothing

but feel all wrenched

and a heart that shrouded

in blackness (in vain)from

the grudges it has built in  

I didn't want my life to revolve

around the same small circle...

so I woke up one morning when

the only pulse I believed would

make me feel alive;

was finally on my way

the only way to collapse

the lumps in these veins;

the only real breakthrough,

was choosing to forgive



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

© 2014 Daydreamer


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Featured Review

Hi Manal. Reading your poem reminded me of my early twenties days when I was seeing a therapist. She told me that the person I hurt most with my refusal or inability to forgive was myself. I did not believe her for some time. But I have felt those effects that you speak of and I am still learning to let go and heal. Thank you so much for sharing.

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Daydreamer

8 Years Ago

You have no idea how much this warmed my heart!
Thank YOU for stopping by and leaving such a.. read more
Michelle Coleman

8 Years Ago

You are welcome 😊



Reviews

A lovely write with a beautiful message..
Well penned...Cheers friend :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

After reading your poem, I strongly recommend you forgiveness :)
thank you so much
Anahat

10 Years Ago

sure :) Your welcome
Apologies for how long it took me to get to this! I've been busy.
"but feel all wrenched" feels? Got a bit lost on this line. What is feeling? The body? The narrator? (I suppose they're one and the same, but in this context I'm a bit lost as to which is the subject.)
"that shroud" Do you mean 'that's shrouded?' I'm not quite sure the heart being shrouded is working for me as an image, by the way . . . I think it's a bit cliched and you can do better considering your rhetoric elsewhere. I like the idea of the lumps in the veins later on, perhaps have grudges congeal the blood or something to tie that in more as it was great but also seemed a bit superfluous on the first read. I think there needs to be more of a connection with grudges being the only pulse, too (I think that's what you meant) because I stumbled over it.
"on my way/the only way" Not sure the repetition is working here . . . I generally think the rule should be three or more repetitions, otherwise it doesn't sound like a choice but instead a mistake.

So, I do like your style and I think this poem is working better for me than the last one because there's less confusion and room for misinterpretation. I'm getting a little lost in here: "was finally on my way/the only way to collapse/the lumps in these veins;" 'I' was finally on my way? How? What prompted the change? I like the sentiment at the end, bit I think this part needs to serve as a better bridge to illustrate how the speaker reached catharsis and learned that forgiveness would help them heal.
I think your tone's great and I support work that talks about healing, but I think it's always important to focus on how the healing happened, otherwise you can't help others, you know? =) As a person who has had to work through depression and various childhood traumas, I know that I hungered for a 'how' when I was in my worst places and I've always found the change from negativity to positivity to be the most fascinating part. Isn't that what most stories focus on? At least, I suppose, the uplifting ones.

I think, also, you may want to consider the way you break up your work. You seem to write it all as one long sentence and that's, I think, the main source of confusion for me. (Did I say this last time? I apologize for the reiteration if I did.) Your subjects get lost for me and, considering that this is your second poem I've looked at, that is probably a theme throughout your work. Your word choice is beautiful, but I just want to focus on that, not getting lost in trying to parse out what modifies what. It's a waste of time that detracts from your work because I don't get lost in it the way I should considering the images you construct. Confusion in theme and symbols is alright when done properly, but confusion based on construction should be avoided at all costs.
At any rate, you do have provocative and pretty language. Re-reading the message you sent me I'm not quite sure whether you wanted a critique, but yeah . . . here it is. lol Keep working, you do have talent but I think you need to very clearly define your sentence parts and modifications.=P

Posted 10 Years Ago


Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Hahahahahaah!! The message was simple- "to encourage people choose forgiveness over long-term bitter.. read more
Emma Olsen

10 Years Ago

I think it's helpful to show the way in which you managed to overcome your own problems - that's all.. read more
Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

It's good you spot out the detail! The reason for choosing to forgive was because I realised it was .. read more
So true! Nicely stated :)
-QuanaWana

Posted 10 Years Ago


Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Thank you,Shaquana😃
what's your real name,btw?
Shaquana Adams

10 Years Ago

Shaquana is my real name
Well … for something written randomly and in four minutes, you penned some very deep wisdom. Bitterness does in fact contract our bodies, leading to illness. You forgive for yourself:)

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Thank you so much, miss Pyrde 😍
Exactly!
Very good! The power of forgiveness is something we should all have. Bravo!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

ALL SHOULD HAVE😇😇😇😇
Thank you so much 😁😁
I totally love how the poem ends with finding inner peace. Beautifully written

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Through the great forgiveness😍
Thank you,Abeni for your visit 💖
Abeni

10 Years Ago

You are most welcome
I really like how the poem starts out with a feeling of being trapped and alone, but ends very unexpectedly with hope: "The only real breakthrough was choosing to forgive".

You turned a deep and truthful insight into a heartfelt and beautiful piece of art. This insight is a great lesson to teach, but the fact that you wrote this from personal experience is even more inspiring. I also love that you stated it in such a concise way. Very emotional and compelling poem!

~ Feather

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Calissa Knox

10 Years Ago

Okay, Manal. My real name is Calissa, but you can call me Cali. Feather Dawncery was a name I made.. read more
Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

ahahaha cuteee😍😍
Okay Calissa😁
Nice to meet you xoxo
Calissa Knox

10 Years Ago

Thank you! Nice to meet you, too. :)
Love the flow! It starts out strong and finishes even stronger.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Thank you!😇
Nicely, written. Holding a grudge against someone for a long time can start to eat away at you. Sometimes
it's just better to forgive. It's amazing how a random grouping of words can turn into a wondrous piece of
art.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Omg! Thank you so much 🙈🙉🙊
I love those poems that just come to you in a torrent of words, that happens so fast it is hard to stop the flow. Those are the poems I try not to mess with too much and tweak, for they are the true depth of our minds and soul. Fantastic work, I really enjoyed this piece. Those last two lines are amazing too, sometimes the only thing left to do is forgive. For really, who is really hurt the most when we are bitter and hold a grudge? Well done, poet.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Daydreamer

10 Years Ago

Kalypso, I agree. That was sagacious,my friend! I can tell that "Wicked Veins" is the poem closest t.. read more

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Added on May 24, 2014
Last Updated on December 11, 2014

Author

Daydreamer
Daydreamer

Cairo



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Well, I live in an elucidation,in a moiety, in the middle of a reversible nature, between shadows of stunned truths, where nothing and everything exists. #18 years old "Female"👧 #Art lover .. more..

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