May 16th 2008

His name was Benjamin James Colyar. He walked into my life as if he knew what he was doing. I'm glad he did because I didn't have a clue. Now, writing this makes me think of the first day we met. I was sitting in my spanish one class, freshman year of high school, and I just moved into the area so I didn't know anyone. Ben sat behind me. I could still smell his deoderant and Axe body spray so clearly. His hairspray keeping his hair in perfect place. His eyes sparkled like the ocean, so deep and blue. His thin red moist lips would go from ear to ear forming a whiter than snow smile that shined like the sun on a beach. He turned around to me and asked me for the answers on a test we were taking. He made me laugh, giggle, get this feeling I never obtained before. His cross necklace was so clean as if he polished it every day or night. I could tell he did by the way I could see my reflection in the metal. We became friends instantly and I fell head over heels for him. We had so much in common with music, sports, classes that we liked, foods, desserts, bible verses, movies, books, writing, and his birthday was December 23rd 1992, and mine is December 29th 1992, and we just were perfect for eachother. Young or old, we felt like little kids together.

 

We started dating and attended school, church and started a group at our high school called Christian Club on campus. We were the leaders and some called it a christian cult, but all it was was worship. Ben didn't care what people thought. Ben and I attended my church on a Wednesday night because I was a confirmation leader for young teens. I had many students come to me and asked for advice, or help on situations dealing with life and pressures. I love(d) assisting them and feeling looked up too. My goals back then was to become a lawyer, but Ben being as brilliant as he was, saw me for who I am meant to be. That night, he set me on a path that I am still walking today and shall always live out. He told me on our way home that I should be a youth pastor. I never gave it thought, but in that car ride home, my head gently laying on his shoulder, I reflected on how I felt in about the idea. I knew I loved church, the students, the people, the environment, the gospel, everything about it. My eyes were opened and my heart became anew. Ben was right. From that day on, I started my journey to become a desciple of God and to live form him. All I want(ed) to do is to serve the lord. Ben and I was almost done with our freshman year now. By that time, we were of age to sign up and travel to Mexico and build homes for the homeless families. This program is called Habitat for humanity. We signed up and we were to journey to Mexico for our first time May 25th, 2008. We were so excited.

 

May 16th, 2008: As school let out one day, I had homework to catch up on and to study for finals. Ben had different plans. He wanted to go quading and ride ATV's before we left on the 25th. I had to tell him no and to go on without me. It wasn't even 3 hours after I hung up the phone when I said my last words to him. I recall saying "I love you Benny bear" and he replied "I love you too honey bee". My phone rang 2 hours and 34 minutes after I last heard from him. His sister was crying and in a panic. She just kept gasping for air and I couldn't make out what she was saying. Ben was mormon (not really a believer of the mormon faith though) and had 3 sister and 3 brothers. He was the 2nd oldest. So his oldest sister took the phone from the other and told me to get to Saint Josephs hospital NOW there has been an accident. My father drove me there so fast. I remeber getting out of the car while it was moving when we arrived and I ran into the emergency waiting room and saw then entire Colyar family sitting there crying. Mrs. Colyar was a mess. His baby sister only 3 years of age ran into my arms and I sat with them as they began to tell me that his ATV was over loaded with him and his friends. They werent wearing the seat belts and they took a sharp turn on a dirt path and tiped. The ATV crushed Ben. 4 minutes after sitting there, seemed like a year's time passed, the doctor came out. He had us all sit down in a room and proceeded to tell us that Ben didn't make it. The ATV crushed his chest and broke and severed many bones, and organs. We all cried and sat there cradling one another. His little sister of only 3 looked up at me and asked "Is Benny Bear going to heaven?" and I looked at her eyes, the same deep blue sparkling innocent eyes as Ben and i held her so tight and whispered "Yes darling, Yes he is".

 

Ben Colyar was my first love of my lifde, and was taken from me. For many months maybe it was a year maybe I still am, I don't really know, I was mad with God and blammed him for not saving him. I felt as if I should have been there and it should have been me. I felt so many emotions and turned away from my path for a while. His funeral was worse for me. The entire school was there considering that he was so popular and everyone loved him. He had an opened casket because of the family religion believed in that. As I approached his coffin, I peeked in to see his grey bloodless body, colder than ice, eyes closed lips glued shut along with eyes, I fell to my knees and touched his laced fingerd hand on his stuffed stomach. I swore to him that I would carry out our plans, our dreams, our goals, and life long aspirations. My heart was broken but I prayed with his lifeless hands to restore it. His parents sat me down weeks later at their home and gave me Ben's necklace that I loved so much, a letter he wrote and some other things that imprinted my memory of Ben.

 

They ended with, "Ben would want you to move on and be happy. You made his life joyous and wonderful. You were his light and now he shall be yours." As I held the remaining peices of him that I recieved, I cried as I held them to my heart that was beating, but felt dead to the touch.

 

Ben Colyar will forever live in my heart, my soul, my memories. I was in love with him. So incredibly in love with him. He saw me for who I truly was, am and will be. He impacted my life in huge ways and will always be my guardian angel. Today, I still visit his grave and light a candle, and lay down yellow roses down (his favorite) and also a box of everlasting gobstoppers. Those were his favorite candies and from his favorite movie which was Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I talk to him hoping he can hear me. Sometimes I think I'm crazy cuz I like to believe I can hear his voice or feel his touch on my cheek or my hand. All I know is that he is in no more pain, no more suffering, and is in the Kingdom of God.

 

Seeing his empty seat in classes, seeing his empty seat on the bus, not smelling him or seeing his sprakling or smiling face, not hearing his voice, or not hearing him give high fives in the hall or feeling him hold my hand and walking me to my classes, made me feel so...alone....dead. Everyone in the halls were quiet for weeks, tears and tissues were the new fashion trend, and black clothing were always on people. Bracelets were made for ben and everyone wore them in memory of him. The school honored him by putting a memorial in the front office that still stands today. At my high school graduation, 4 years later, we honored him and bowed our heads in silence to pray and remember Benjamin James Colyar. He graduated with us, in our hearts. That silly class classclowned boy.

 

Today on face book, we have a memorial page dedicated to him. It contains many likes and followers. We wanted to share that sparkle in his eyes with the world. RIP BEN COLYAR We will all forever love you and remember you.

 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading this. This is a peice of my heart shared with you. <3