Chapter 1

That was nearly twenty years ago. Things have changed since then, sad to say. I reflect on all the moments of our ten-year relationship to try and figure out where things went wrong. Every second my mind isn't on something else, that's the subject it dwells on, even after ten years. I've tried to get in touch with him since then without much luck.

I can't say the relationship we had was a complete loss. Far from it. I got a better sense of who I was, who I wanted to be, and how to get there. From it, I got a better feel for music composition. From it, I developed bonds and ties with old friends of ours. But the thing I treasured most of all was our daughter, Arianna.

She was created in a time when Derek and I would have been together forever. Sekoya had thankfully agreed to be my surrogate wife and take a semi-active role in raising Arianna. Shortly before Arianna’s birth, Sekoya had been offered a position as a personal assistant at a publishing house in Manhattan, assisting other people’s dreams to become reality. While she couldn't be there every second for our daughter, she made the important times and was still a huge part of our lives.

Arianna, being a quarter Italian, a quarter French, a quarter European-American, and a quarter African-American, was all beautiful. At sixteen years old, she was only a head shorter than I was, with shoulder-length black hair and my wide brown eyes. She got her petite nose and full lips from her mother, but her facial structure was rounded, much like my father. Because of her popularity at school, she gained her mother’s taste for expensive clothing, and her wardrobe was always the trendiest. All in all, I was really surprised that she hadn't snagged a boyfriend by this age. She was a prominent member on the cheerleading squad with captain in her future, the lead soprano in her chorus, and passing her classes with flying colors.

She was the one who woke me the morning that I got the call.

It was late September. The leaves outside were already changing from the gorgeous green that carried us happily through summer. Harvest festivals were mere weeks away, which meant Christmas was right around the corner. Unfortunately, we were in the midst of a cold front that snuck up on us from God knows where.

Arianna peeked into my bedroom, where I was drifting in and out of my dreams. “Hey, Dad,” she called, disregarding the fact that I could have been fully asleep. “The heat is out again and I've got the shower first.” Now awake, I groaned and rolled over away from the door, but she persisted. “Did you hear me? It's cold out here. My hands are icicles.”

Thanks to the creaky wooden floor, I could tell that she was attempting to sneak up on me. The blankets on my torso slid down slightly, and I sensed that she was going to torture me by putting her frigid hands on my stomach. I turned over and pulled her on the bed, which startled her so much, she screamed. She did as she wanted to, and my stomach was subjected to the torture she had planned. I returned the favor by tickling her until she laughed so much, she started to cry.

Our father-daughter relationship had grown accustomed to moments such as these. Don't get me wrong, though. There would be times when we would mirror the typical family, where the rebellious teenager goes against what the forceful parent wants, but those times were seldom. As her father, I was her shopping partner, her relationship (or lack thereof) consultant, and her best friend. She had wonderful friends her age, but nothing that could compete with what we had.

The reason things were this way was that I had always been level-headed and open about myself to her. I treated her as if she were an equal. She's known I've been gay since birth. When Derek and I went our separate ways, she knew exactly what I was feeling and vice versa. I have always encouraged an open relationship. Because of that, I knew my daughter’s wants and fears of life, I never had to drag information out of her, and I always knew she'd be doing exactly what she told me she'd be doing.

After exhausting ourselves in our tickle war, we both exhaled a sigh of comfort in a temporary state of euphoria. It seemed words would ruin the moment, until I heard her whisper, “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.” I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at her. Her hair was in pigtails, my favorite style for her, so I pulled one of them. She scoffed in mock offense and smacked my forehead back.

“Hey, call a truce?” I asked.

“Not until the heater's fixed.” Arianna cocked an eyebrow. “That can be my birthday gift.”

“I'll work on it tonight,” I muttered, burying my face back into my pillow. “Right before we go to Nana's for dinner.”

“I forgot about that,” she replied, tossing her head back onto the other pillow. “It gives me a chance to wear that purple blouse she thought I'd like and I haven't worn yet.”

I chuckled a bit. “She'd like that. By the way, Happy Birthday.”

“Thanks, but you'd better get up, or you're going to be late for work,” she said, pinching my side. I moaned and put the other pillow on top of my head. She got up and turned my clock-radio on loud. I had intentionally put it on the other side of the room so that if I needed to set it, I couldn't just turn it off and go back to sleep. I'd have to get up just to turn it off. She was using this knowledge against me this morning. Sheryl Crow was belting out her song, “The First Cut Is the Deepest.”

“I've still got the shower first,” Arianna shouted over the radio before she left.

I moaned some more before getting up to turn the radio off. I rubbed my groggy eyes and looked over to my desk, where sheet music lay scattered and in no particular order. I jotted down a useless mental note to organize it this weekend, a promise I'd been making to myself for the past three months.

I made my way to the kitchen to make breakfast for Arianna and me. On the way, I passed by the bathroom door, where I could hear my daughter singing her heart out to some new song I didn't know the name of. I smiled and thanked God that she at least had gotten a love of music from Derek.

There was that thought again �"Derek�" and it lasted while I prepared breakfast. Bogged down with grief, the good memories still rose. I was reminded of all the times where we would be sitting together on the piano bench as he'd show me what sounded good and what didn't. I would try to belt a note that he joked couldn't be accessed by the natural world. We would finish our lesson by tumbling passionately into bed and, ultimately, make more beautiful music there than we ever would in front of the piano. I wondered bitterly if he was sharing the same memories with his new man now.

It was the smoke detector that snapped me back to reality. The banana pancakes that I traditionally made on Fridays were burning in the skillet. I rushed over to rectify the situation, but Arianna had heard the commotion already and came out, her hair drying in the towel perched on her head.

She jumped in to help. “You do know that black means overdone, right?” she clarified with wit.

“These ones will be mine,” I claimed. “I'll make you new ones.”

“I'll get them,” she said. “You go get ready.”

“I'm being kicked out of the kitchen by my own daughter,” I shook my head and walked away.

“Dad,” she called. “What's going on?”

“It's...nothing.”

“I know you enough to know that the pause before ‘nothing’ means there's something bothering you. Spill.”

“I don't know how to explain it.”

“It's Derek, isn't it?” She tilted her head in the same maternal fashion my mother did when she showed concern.

“That's Papa to you,” I said.

“Yeah, I'll start calling him that when he apologizes for walking out on us,” she uttered sarcastically. “It is him, though, isn't it?”
“Yes,” I sighed. “I was just reminded of some of the good times we had together.”

“Listen to me, because I'm only going to say this once. He's the one who made the bad decision. It's time for you to start making good times with someone new.” I laughed a little. “What?” she asked.

“You're starting to sound like your Nana and your mother,” I said.

“Well, then you better listen to us all.” She started making new batter. “Go get your shower.”

I slumped into the bathroom, which was still steamy from Arianna's shower. I hoped there was hot water left, but it didn't matter much, since I was accustomed to taking cold showers. I was also used to burned pancakes, missed doctor appointments, and broken promises to myself. My daughter came first and foremost in my life, and her wants and needs always came before mine. I tested the water, and thankfully there was enough hot water for at least fifteen minutes. I didn't waste one of them.

While showering, I evaluated my life where I was at now, without Derek. All in all, I couldn't complain. I woke up every day at the crack of dawn, usually by the loving touch of my daughter. We got ready for our days together, which furthered our bond. We would help each other pick outfits, go over what the day is going to be like, and have a good time with one another.

Afterwards, while she was at school, I went to work at a hospital, auditing patients’ files, which was the only time I interacted with people who I wasn't related to. The four people I worked directly with were almost the only people I trusted in the entire office.

John and Matt were twin brothers, twenty years older than I was who both did the same job. It was difficult for outsiders to tell the difference between the both of them, especially since they had married twin sisters, but those in our circle knew the difference. John was hard-edged, mostly silent, and when he said something to you, it was something to be remembered. Matt was the more amiable one of the two, always smiling and dancing. He always had a joke to tell and would always be the first person to listen to anything you had to say. He was the only one who could equalize out his brother.

Natalie, the token female of our group, was the first person I connected with when I started working there. From her right-winged nature, I thought she might have had a problem with my sexuality, but she was the first one to tell me it was all right and not to care what everyone else thought. Her acceptance paved the way for everyone else. I felt she was my substitute Sekoya.

Drew was the youngest member in our group. Fresh out of high school, he still had the idea that he was always right. He reminded me of the surfer-guys from when I was his age, very laid back and carefree, but his appearance hid his sharp mind and quick tongue. I found being around him very refreshing, reminding me of my younger days. He always had an opinion on everything, so I took delight in analyzing and finding the holes in his way of thinking.

On weekends, I would usually plan something for Arianna and I to do together, unless she had something else going on, in which case I'd pick a project and commit myself to it all weekend. One Friday a month, though, the two of us would visit my mom, where we would catch up with my two older brothers, my younger sister, and their families. This was also the time we celebrated any birthdays in the family.

After my shower, I got dressed and returned to the kitchen, where Arianna had eggs, bacon, and a tall glass of orange juice in addition to a perfect stack of banana pancakes waiting for me.

“This all looks great,” I uttered in disbelief. “Thank you, princess.” I leaned over to kiss her on the top of the head while she ate and poured herself into one of her textbooks.

“Thank me by cleaning up,” she said.

“Done deal.”

“Oh, Mom called while you were in the shower,” she mentioned without looking up.

I looked at the calendar hanging on the wall. Like clockwork, Sekoya called once a month, usually on the first, to see how things were going. Being the last week of September, it was way too early for that.

“Did she say what she wanted?” I asked, casually masking the curiosity in my voice.

“No, but she said it was urgent and sounded rushed to get off the phone. She said she'll try calling you on your cell when you get out of work.”

“Then I should probably sync our schedules,” I noted, grabbing my cell.

“No need. I already did that. She's got a meeting until 12:30, when you take your lunch.” She smiled at my proud expression. “What?”

“You're amazing,” I said.

*****

“Hey,” I said when Ko finally answered her phone. “What's up?”

“Not much, hon. What about you?” Ko responded.

“I'm just on lunch. You called this morning and said it was urgent.”

“It is,” she sighed. “Remember that time when I asked you to come to the city for dinner, no questions asked, and you did?”

“Actually, no, but that's because it's never happened.”

“Well, wouldn't it be great to have memories like that?” Ko asked pleadingly. I could only laugh. “Come on. What do you say? Come in tomorrow morning and leave Sunday night? Think about when the last time you took a weekend just to yourself was.”

“Where is Arianna going to go?”

“Could Mom watch after her for just a weekend?” Sekoya and I have been friends for so long, she refers to my mother only as Mom.

“Can it be next weekend? I've got some things I've got to take care of this weekend.”

“It has to be this weekend. Please, please, please?”

“You do realize you'll owe me big time.”

“And I fully intend on paying you back whatever favor you want.” Ko exhaled, relieved. “I'll arrange trip details and sync you before you head to your mom's tonight.”

“I'll see you tomorrow, then?”

“Yep, I'll see you tomorrow.” I smiled and packed my phone away before I headed back to work. There was something about the tone of her voice that wasn't normal, though. It was as if she were running out of time on something. I shook that feeling and reminded myself that if she were in any sort of immediate danger, she would tell me.

Once I got back to my desk, Natalie, who worked at the next workstation over, could tell there was something on my mind. “What's going on?” she asked, concerned.

“I...I'm not sure,” was all I could say. I explained all that was going on with Ko.

She giggled. “Isn't it obvious?”

“Not really, no.” I shrugged.

“Her biological clock is going off before she hits a point in her life it can't go off anymore. I'm sure she's going to ask for you to help her with a baby.”

“How sure are you?”

“Fairly sure,” she responded. “So are you going to go through with it?”

“I owe her that much. She's helped me with so much in my life, not to mention give me the most wonderful daughter ever.”

“You've made up your mind, then. No surprises on your trip.”

Matt, who was on the other side of Natalie, chimed in. “Oh, hey, Lan. Guess who will be back shortly to fix my computer?”

I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Despite the fact that I was lonely, I did have an interest I was petrified to approach. His name was Mackenzie, and he filled my stomach with butterflies every time he passed by. As he was one of the hospital's maintenance men, my group of friends would find ways to lure him over on my behalf. Our conversation was always limited to work, as he probably didn't know that I was gay, yet. All things considered, in means of looks and personality, he fit every criterion for the perfect man in my eyes, except for the fact that he was married.

“Yeah, he said he's sorry he missed you and he can't wait to see you when he comes back,” Natalie joked.

“Please, you guys. Mac isn't gay. He's married,” I sighed.

Drew, who was on the other side of me, chimed in with, “Please, that's right up there with ‘He's not gay. He's in a fraternity.’”

“You've seen The Broken Hearts Club?” I asked, surprised.

“No, but you have that clip of it on your intro to MS.” Drew shrugged.

In my day, MS meant Microsoft, so I had to clarify. “MS?”

“MySpace,” he translated. “Dude, if you can't keep up with the slang, you're only going to remind me that you're like twenty years older than I am.”

“Young s**t,” I laughed as I threw a paperclip at him. And right then, Mackenzie walked by my desk, and smiled at my retaliation to Drew’s comment. My heart melted, but since Mackenzie was within audible radius, my group knew to be silent.

“I've got that new keyboard, Matt,” he explained to John.

“Don't insult me by calling me him,” John joked harshly.

“I'm Matt,” the other brother indicated.

“Sorry about that,” Mackenzie said, before getting on his hands and knees to connect the new device to the computer. “Make sure your SmartBottle doesn't go haywire again, especially on the keyboard.”

“You should see the number it did to my scrubs. It looks like I had a senior citizen accident,” Matt laughed. “Can you fix it, too? I programmed in it that I wanted to span my water reserves throughout the course of the day, but it started spewing up water. God, I feel like my parents when they used to ask me to program their VCR.”

“If you want, I can take a look at it, but that'll leave you with a glass.” He looked over his shoulder at Matt and asked, “Can you handle that?”

“It's just a glass. I use them at home all the time.”

“Just making sure,” Mackenzie smiled. “We're all set here.” He stood up from beneath Matt’s desk. “Does anybody need anything else here?”

I felt Drew's foot pushing on the back of my chair, egging me on to ask him to stay, but, thankfully, Natalie piped in, “I think that's all.”

“I'll see you later, then,” he said, before heading back out.

“Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.” I heard Natalie approve once he was out of earshot. “I'd be all over that in a heartbeat.”

“You're married, though,” I said.

“I don't blame you, Natalie,” Matt joked. “I'm married, and he still makes my funny parts dance.”

“I doubt your wife would allow you to bring him to bed with the two of you next time, though,” I speculated.

“Well, I'm not married,” Drew pointed out.

“No, but your straight and engaged,” I reminded him. “Think of how you'd destroy Amy by saying 'I'm gay' instead of 'I do.'“

“You see how he tries desperately to shoot down all competition, so nobody can have the man he's too scared to approach?” Natalie whispered very audibly to Matt.

“Enough,” I laughed disbelievingly. “I can't get any work done sitting next to you guys.” Covering my bases, I opened my desk drawer and stashed away my red stapler - a sentimental piece to me - before that became the topic of conversation.

*****

My family is and has always been a crazy bunch. My father, God rest his soul, spent most of his time working so his family would not go without anything they wanted or needed. My mother raised her three boys and a girl virtually by herself. When my father passed away while I was living in Florida with Sekoya, my mother and younger sister, Boston, were the only ones living at home. Luckily, she also had my two older brothers, Denver and Houston, to help with grief.

It's no coincidence either that we're all named after major U.S. cities. When my parents found out they were having Denver, they went through an atlas rather than a baby name book. Atlas is also the name of Denver's son with his wife, Anne. Houston married his high school sweetheart, Bethany, and, following tradition, named their children Lincoln, Columbus, and Helena. Boston married Houston’s high school best friend, Graham, and gave birth to Augusta and Pierre. Each of my mother’s grandchildren usually brought someone special in their lives to dinner, whether it is their wife, husband, boyfriend, or girlfriend. She took joy on every one of these occasions, because the otherwise empty house filled with family for one night a month. Sekoya occasionally flew in for these gatherings, but the first few times, I didn't expect her to get everyone's name down. To be fair, it took Derek two years to get everyone correct. There were just too many people.

Because Natalie had an emergency and had to go home early, I had to stay late to help with what she couldn’t finish. I sent a message to Arianna explaining work and my conversation with Sekoya, who replied by telling me she got a ride home from school and would be ready to go when I got there. I arrived, finding that she had packed for the both of us already. She had also contacted my mom and okayed her stay for this weekend.

When we arrived, I found most everybody in the living room, where Lincoln had brought his Nintendo VR. Tempted to follow Arianna in and see what the hype was, I resisted and joined the mature members of my family at the dining room table. My mother was helping Atlas' wife, Summer, watch after their two infants, Spring and Autumn. Anne, Bethany, and Boston were with them, engaged in a conversation on childcare. When I entered, everyone greeted me warmly, heralding the only male in the family line who, in their opinion, was able to successfully raise a child alone.

“I swear,” Summer said. “Atlas doesn't even know where the diapers are kept, let alone be able to change one.” Everybody laughed.

“When we had Augusta,” Boston started, “Graham didn't hold much interest in taking care of her, either, but when we had Pierre, he was all hands on. I think it's because he wanted someone to play his video games with.”

“Hey, Mom,” I said, kissing her on the cheek. “Thanks for letting Arianna stay this weekend.”

“Don't worry about it,” she said, scooping Spring up into her arms. “I made her favorite for dinner, pork chops and applesauce.”

“Thanks, Mom. Sorry I didn't bring anything.”

“Don't worry about it, baby. Tell us about this weekend.”

I sat down and caught them up to speed with the strange phone call from Sekoya and Natalie's suspicion about my best friend wanting a child.

“Are you going to do it?” Boston asked.

“I'm still not sure yet,” I replied, resting my chin on my palm. “I feel I owe it to her for giving me such a wonderful daughter in Arianna, but on the other hand, I would want to be a part of the new baby's life, and with my preoccupations here, I couldn't be.”

“Have you considered moving to the city?” Bethany asked.

“I can't afford to live in New York City,” I said. “And Sekoya can't afford to leave.”

“I'll go check on dinner,” my mom said before she left in a hurry, handing Spring to Anne.

“Do you leave tonight or tomorrow?” Boston asked.

“Tomorrow morning,” I said. “Arianna is staying here this weekend to keep Mom company.”

“You'll have a good trip,” Boston said. “It's about time you got away for a vacation.”

“It's not a vacation,” I scoffed.

“You're going somewhere alone with your best friend in the entire world, and for once, nothing is about work or family. That sounds like a vacation to me,” Anne said before she continued cooing to Autumn.

“Okay, maybe it is,” I shrugged.

Before my mother shouted that dinner was ready, Boston asked casually “Hey, Lan. Have you written anything new recently?”

*****

After dinner, the family had cake and ice cream in celebration of Arianna’s sixteenth birthday. From her cousins, she got mainly clothes, music, and movies. As usual, my brothers, sister, and mother chipped in together for a present, a Nintendo VR. I got her a panacam she had been eyeing at the department store for some time.

Because Sekoya couldn’t make it due to business, she had sent her present to my mother a week early. As Arianna unwrapped it, the present rattled by itself and meowed audibly. It didn’t take Arianna long to realize she was the new mother to a white domestic shorthair kitten she named Caleb.

Caleb, characteristic of a kitten, was frightened with the room full of people who wanted to handle him. He hid in a corner until he worked up enough courage to venture into the active household. Spring had already caught him by the tail once as she crawled on the floor, and he mewed, presumably for his mother.

            We had the capacity to understand, but could not. According to Sekoya, he came with a Rosetta-chip and translation collar, but, with all of the technical know-how in the room, we could not figure it out. None the less, Arianna was more than pleased with her birthday and the presents it brought.