what am i going to do with myself?

an old e-mail i sent to a friend of mine 04-03-2008

I hate living with my family. Every day I come back from work, I just want to shoot my brains out or something (though I won't do it! That's just plain stupid). I know that eventually I'll be able to afford to get my own apartment, I just need to keep holding strong. My parents aren't very supportive of me, or confident. Every day at the supper table they crack a joke about how I'm still going to be living with them when I'm in my 30's because I'm too afraid to leave, or that I can't save up my money because I'm too busy spending it on someone else (which is a lie).

It's gets stressful mostly, and my body, not use to large amounts of stress breaks down, causing me to crash, so I'm constantly sleeping at work when I should be answering calls (though I some how manage to still wake up when that little 'beep' goes off in my ears). My supervisor doesn't mind, which is actually nice for a change, but then I do my job like I'm suppose to, and my numbers are off the charts, so she shouldn't have much to complain about.

As for my love life, it isn't as crazy-hectic as your own. I've been in a few relationships, nothing quite that serious, and not at all feeling like I should BE in them, but it was enough to give me that 'loved' feeling I really needed (do to the lack of it I was feeling at home). The past boyfriend I had he managed to treat me like s**t, demoralizing me in public, tearing my beliefs apart when they were already fragile, and constantly controlling who I SHOULD hang out with and who I SHOULDN'T. After about 3 months, and with the (shocking) support of my family, I managed to get out of that relationship before it had the potential to become aggressive.

Since then, I've been re-evaluating my standards on men, and since I'm thinking about finally settling down, 'cute' and 'ok' doesn't cut it anymore. I need to be able to see myself in a long-term relationship with the ups and downs + everything in between. Not this "oh, he's ok i guess" s**t anymore.

I suppose that's when you could say Wesley came into the picture. Having broken up with his crazy girlfriend in Canada, (she was PSYCHO!) he needed someone to talk to. So, being me, the typically kind and caring person that I am, I gave him my cell number so we could talk things out. One thing lead to another, and soon we realized that after a year of being friends, we had developed feelings for one another, but we didn't know how to express them (online relationships always scare me away..). Everything moved fast from there. He bought a plane ticket to come see me in May; we already talk about having a family together. Honestly, I haven't been this happy in a long time. The thought of him actually being with me always doesn't push me away or make me cringe (like normal), but actually puts a nice smile on my face :D <-- see... smile! hehe

And last but not least, I dropped out of college. Web Development (not such an impressive title as yours) didn't enthuse me anymore. What I really want to do is open up my own Library, or Second Hand Book Store at the least. Books are my passion! You should see my own collection!! I only purchase paperback books, but each one I get, it never looks like I've read them (even though I have). The bindings are still uncreased, the cover is flat, the pages do not have 'dog ears' (HAAATTEE!). So, I suppose owning a Library / Second Hand Book Store only makes sense, eh?

I plan on going back to college eventually though. Possibly for English, just because I love the subject so much, and I would like to be a highschool English teacher as well.. (I have so many ambitions). Time will only tell though, ya know?

 

and that was that