Moral Turbulence

I took my seat in coach after wrestling my carry-on into submission in the overhead compartment. The tray table was broken and shook as my nervous knee bounced against it. Man was not meant to fly. Soon we would be slicing through god's neighborhood, trespassing. I could imagine looking from the window as the great iron bird shot down St. Peter's Street past jogging angels with headbands and earphones dangling down to their I-Pods. They walked their dogs as the turbine engines sucked up small angelic Chihuahuas and my dead uncle gave me the finger from his John Deere as we left a trail of smog on his freshly cut lawn. I opened my eyes realizing this quite possibly could be the closest I would ever get to heaven.
��������The man beside me wore a leather jacket and oversized headphones that sat on top of his long shaggy hair and above a bushy brown beard that still held remnants of a complimentary bag of cheez-its he had just recently devoured. His smokers green teeth shown as he sung The Band out loud at a volume reserved for stadium seating. "The night they drove old dixie down, and the bells were ringing! The night they drove old dixie down, and all the people were singin'!, They went Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na�" he continued wailing as Richard Manuel's dead corpse floated outside the window banging on the glass, rope waving from his neck in the wind. Two businessmen sat behind me discussing investment risks and possible mergers. Passed out to my right sat a young man wearing a national beer pong championship team tee shirt and smelled of strong vodka and piss. It was a smell I was very familiar with from my frat days at State. The audible sound of Fonzy began to merge with the sickening smell of Animal House in front of my face in the form of a swirling jet stream of inevitable insanity. In seven hours I would land in South Carolina exiting the plane twitching nervously, cursing at small children, and pissing on the nearest ficus. If this wasn't enough I would have the pleasure of listening to my brother in law talk about hard wood floors while he burned the barbeque and my sister secretly cried in the bathroom.
��������Before I could open the Ef My Life application on my I-Phone the deathly ding sound warned me to cut off all electronic devices severing all communication between me and the outside world. Now the only people who existed were the unpleasant Southwest Airlines frequent flyers middle class. We were now our own sovereign nation searching for a place to plant our flag. Our beautiful navy and gold flag, that consisted of thirteen angry white businessmen standing in a roped off line with their fists held high in revolution towards a horrified desk clerk. Animal House was still asleep with a river of drool now flowing down his cheek and onto his shoulder as a reddish grouping of zits sat on the bank of his chin with rods fishing for fresh water trout. Fonzy was now singing "Come as You Are", luckily Kurt didn't hear.
��������I was surprised at how quickly the plane had filled as my mind wandered. Two rows ahead of me now sat two nuns on the inside of a greasy haired drunk who slapped a flight attendant's a*s as she passed. The pilot had made his usual preflight speech. Two attractive flight attendants had just finished advising us on the proper way to fasten our seatbelts and how to use our seats as a floatation device and Animal House was now resting his head on my shoulder. "Take me now god. I, Brian Allen, am ready to die." The plane began to roll as it picked up speed and lifted from the ground and the turbulence began. "Goodbye carbon shell." My heart began beating faster, pumping water from the pores of my forehead and oddly enough from only one of my armpits. The broken tray table bounced and rattled at every air pocket we ripped through. The only thing that seemed to take my mind off of the horrible event was my numbing arm that the still sleeping Animal House rested his head upon. The plane began to level and the turbulence ended. I wiped the sweat from my brow and shifted in my seat subsequently waking my neighbor.
��������"Don't fly much do you?" he asked wiping the drool from his mouth.
��������"Not if I can help it."
��������"Ah, you worry too much. You know, statistically they say your more likely to die on the drive to the airport. Try to relax."
��������"You're a wise man Animal House."
��������"What?"
��������"Nothing."
��������I looked outside the window and the sun shined brightly through the clouds. "What was god hiding behind that wall of so much yellow?" I wondered. Apart from my fear of flying I find I possess great anxiety in things I feel I'm missing out on. Even more, I feel a large amount of pity for those who miss out. Like those who die of a disease before the cure is found. Or people who never saw man set foot on the moon or the birth of the internet and its unlimited access to free porn. That's when I realize how much I don't take advantage of the things some people never had or when I think of the things I will never see. Fonzy was now fixed on the screen in front of us asking when the in-flight movie would begin.
��������"I heard its "Good Luck Chuck"." Fonzy leaned over to inform me, hand over mouth careful not to let the secret out.
��������"Fingers crossed."
��������If there was anything that could save my life surely it would be Jessica Alba in penguin underwear.
��������Hearing this Animal House leaned in, "Do you think he knows he has cheez-its in his beard?" he asked smiling.
��������I wondered if he had noticed his patch of dried, now crusted over drool on my shoulder. Trying to ignore him I leaned back and closed my eyes. I felt a small jerk in my chair and put it off believing Animal House had followed my lead and his head was now resting on my shoulder once more. The second jerk was much stronger. I opened my eyes for the third as one of the businessmen's knees banged against the back of my seat. The lights were fading on and off as the pilot asked that everyone take their seats and buckle up for turbulence. "Now he decides to take me," I thought. God was obviously without a sense of humor. Don't kill him during Fonzy's singing or while the drool ran down his shirt and the plane shook. Get him before the movie. Get him before he has time to get a drink in him, when things are looking up. The pilot came on once again. "We are experiencing some unseen weather, please be patient. We will be out momentarily."
��������Fonzy opened the window as the plane began rumbling harder. The sky had turned black as water pelted the glass. The shaking became more constant as the began to creek as if we were a submarine twenty thousand leagues below the sea. A flight attendant was helping an elderly woman caught in the restroom during the announcement back to her seat. They both waddled back and forth, arms locked as the giant plane swayed. The lights were now off and the emergency lights had come on dimly lighting the faces of the chattering and anxiously whispering passengers. I knew this would be how I died and with my luck it would be an embarrassing ordeal. I would die from the fear, before the crash got to me. My lung passages would lock up I would start hyperventilating, pass out and roll onto the floor. Looking up from the aisle my eyes would more than likely meet the most beautiful girl's I had ever seen before as I uttered my dieing words, "I think I s**t myself". And that would be the end. The plane hit one more time as a thunderous "Boom!" echoed through the hollow shell. Screams of panic rose over the echo as our savior made another announcement. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We have lost power to an engine and we may be making an emergency landing. Please remain calm." Animal House had begun crying, liquid seeping from every orphus on his face. As I looked in horror I could feel Fonzy rapidly bumping my elbow and turned to lay my eyes on Fonzy, pants down with his hand on his penis beating himself like it owed him money. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The drunk in front of us was bent over in prayer as the nuns next to him ransacked the cocktails. One businessman behind me in a last minute attempt to get out of hell announced to his coworker, who I know now, was named Jerry that he had slept with his wife after the Christmas party. Jerry then announced that he had been having an affair with his wife for three years now. The entire plane was suffering from moral turbulence. Was this what the human soul broke down to? Paper Mache temples that stand proudly but crumble and blow away when staring death in the face? The plane would crash and the forensics team would find us all with our dicks in our hands and our guts full of liquor. Our mothers would learn of the whole scene on evening news.
��������I sat in silence unable to slow my rapid thoughts down to understandable reason. My mind flicked like a television between channels controlled by a preteen. Throw up, boring. Slap Animal House across the face, next. Find the most beautiful girl on the plane and tell her I'm a colon cancer having virgin and I can't die alone? I could watch it, but is there anything else on? I decided to turn the set off all together as my eyes wandered. I found it strange that earlier I knew I would die during routine turbulence; I wanted to close my eyes and feel my mother's arms around me. Now however, I was about to die and I felt a strange calmness come over me. Death was knocking on my front door and there I sat waiting to help carry his bags in as if he was a visiting aunt. Animal House had seen Fonzy and decided to join in. Now I sat in between two sweaty masturbating men, one crying, in a free falling coffin and god still would not take me. My dead uncle would never believe this as I told him the story while helping with his hedges. I stared past the drunken nuns, praying drunk, and madmen scanning the plane for any sign of stability to grab hold of when I met two large hazel circles staring back at me to my right. She sat locked in on me, her dark brown bangs fell slightly over her eyes, as she brushed them to the side and smiled. We had both been searching for the same thing and we knew it. We were both searching for morality, something to tether us down as everyone else around us floated away. The screaming and crying faded away as we continued gazing into each others eyes, nothing between us anymore, not even the masturbating Animal House. Just two empty canisters converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. Would I remember her if we lived? This is what killed Richard Manuel. Life was nothing more than photos strung out on a line, snapshots. Memories that seemed so significant at one point in your life, the way Tiffany my ex-girlfriend looked while she was sleeping or how her breathe felt on my shoulder was eclipsed by larger memories or more smaller ones and soon forgotten. This was the most sad part of it all. Perhaps Richard had built up all these wonderful memories of being famous he could no longer remember the small ones. It was strange that these were the things that now ran though my mind while I stared into the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. Our gaze was broken when a crying woman next to her threw her arms around her. I wanted to be her. I envied her.
��������The businessmen behind me were now proclaiming their love for one another. The lights cut back on as the two original flight attendants ask for everyone's attention. The plane began to flatten out and the shaking had ceased. The screaming had ended and only a small trail of sobs were still floating in the air. Would we live? Everyone seemed to have this question stuck in their throat wanting to break free and lunge onto the face of the shaking flight attendants. The pilot came on, "We have restored power to the engine and we will be making an unannounced landing at the nearest airport. Please remain calm." Everyone was silent as the news floated through the air whisking in and out of each individual ear. That was it. No one moved. They knew they had changed, but what they had done they were not sure of. Like the werewolf who changes during the full moon and wakes up naked next to a half eaten cow the next morning the two nuns would wake up with a hangover and pass it off as a stomach virus. Fonzy and Animal House would stare at the floor the rest of the flight trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. The drunk would go to a bar and recognize the two businessmen dancing together to the jukebox. They would go back to their hotel room and have affairs on both their wives with each other.
��������The plane landed and still no one spoke. Nobody dared talk about the event that had happened or even touch eyes with those who had witnessed their acts. I reached above my head to retrieve my bag touching hands with Fonzy as he reached for his brown army sack. I quickly withdrew my hand remembering where his had been as I saw him scan my face one last time before his eyes shot down. I searched for Animal House, but he had exited the plane leaving his carry-on behind. I stepped out onto the terminal not remembering where the pilot said we had landed and no ficus was in sight. Brown hair, hazel eyes was walking twenty feet ahead. My mind was still severed from the rest of my body and I was working off of some sort of biological auto-pilot. I felt my legs begin to move quickly and my arm rise to her shoulder.
��������My mouth followed the awkward movements, "How about a drink?"
��������She smiled as if running on the same out of date software my body had been using. "Sure, you seem normal."
��������My uncle and Richard would have to wait I thought as I looked ahead and saw Animal House walking quickly towards the exit as if he had just snatched a purse. And outside Fonzy held a cab for them both. I turned to examine hazel eyes once more.
��������"Do you like The Band?"
��������"Who?"
��������"Nevermind."
��������

Reviews

[ChelseaAyn]

I love how the most nervous passenger is one of the only two on board who remains calm during the turbulence. Or at least, isn't overcome by his fear. As Flo_writer commented, I was able to visualize and actually BE PRESENT for the entire flight. That's skilled writing, when you can do that to your reader.

I actually read this a few days ago, and I just re-skimmed it here. Did you change it somehow? It feels a little more polished near the end. Regardless, it's a great piece. There's a few grammatical/conventional errors, but it definitely conveys the message and in my opinion, that's all that matters.

Great job!

[Carl]

Nathan I really enjoyed this peice. I really liked the way your characters evolve, and the usual mix of characters are here. The guy passing out next to you. The i-pod listener and how you spend half the journey trying to work out what he is listening to. The guy in the faded "Rock" T- shirt which proclaims "Nirvana - Nevrmind -Seattle September 1991 to all who will read his back. Loved the Nuns in this peice and how holy orders are consumed with a dash of Vodka. I felt as tho i had a place on this plane and the writer from England. This peice also tapped into that fear of flying that we all have. Between me and 28,000 ft of sky is a matallic floor. How does the plane stay up.? we tend to discount the Rolls Royce engines. And then your turn the story on its head with the announcement of an emergency landing and the peice becomes a study of human behaviour. I liked the line is this what the soul comes down to and wanting to carry Death's bags for him like a long lost Aunt who has come to visit. Will skill you again focaus on the people we have met previously. The nuns drinking the bussiness men confessing the sexual acts of other passengers the attendant who tries to work out which one of 50 passengers smacked her arse.And then there is the calm in the storm the refuge the palce of sfety The brown eyed haven of the girl. just classic writing here i like the way you left it open. did anything happen we are not told but you feel that it may have done. Then pick up the Nirvana thred " Do you like the band / what /Nevermind.. A quality peice of work sir it had depth and was strong in its concept construction and its delivery Well done

[JustKeith]

Wonderful!

[Mark]

I found your ability to make a terrifying experience humorous, and annoying people sympathetic, just about the most entertaining aspect of this tale. From the beginning, "Ef My Life" attitude to the conclusion's Go For It, "How about a drink?", "Nevermind" attitude, Brian has done, in the span of a two-hour flight, a 180-degree turnabout. NDE's, even if imaginary, will do that! He's been to the precipice, looked into Hell, and walked away unscathed, but not unchanged. This is a really inspirational work, in a wholly unexpected way.

[Gabriella]

Amazingly entertaining. Obviously you spent a great deal of time on this, and actually know about the editing process! Wonderful characterization, even though we were only with them for a short time. Your sense of humor is perfect. The title ties it all together. Thanks for sharing, this was really awesome work.

[R J Askew]

Great read, enjoyed it from start to finish. The outbreak of truthfulness was highly embarrassing for all concerned. Great to see a nervous type getting the girl. And The Band ... of Nine Mile High fame?

[black_rose_obsession]

"The shaking became more constant as the began to creek as if we were a submarine twenty thousand leagues below the sea."

One typo that's all I caught haha great write though it made me smile and laugh drunk nuns and praying drunks masterbating men and pretty girls with hazel eyes who would have thought a genius was amongst them, then only normal one. You are brilliant I love this piece amazing write please keep writing!!

[Stephanie]

HILARIOUS!
I love how nuns are getting drunk as the drunk man prays. That was brilliant! Your stories are always always entertaining, but this one was gut busting funny! Everyone loses themselves when they think they're gonna die... Moral Turbulence indeed! I can't say how much I loved this. Just know you're an absolute genius for this and that it will stay in my mind for a looong time!

Amazing piece :]

[SR Urie]

Hi Nathan,
Great write, man. Very humorous, entertaining. I salute you for enduring such a litteny of wackos on an aircraft and for living through it you're hereby awarded the medal of freedom! Great setting, and every character expertly described (except for maybe 'brown hair, hazel eyes'; a tad more on her figure would've been appreciated) and their comical politics very funny. As for Fonzy and Animal House, it seems you've made a couple assumptions of their moral intrepudous character on your own; good job, that's called poetic license my friend.
If I may, you might want to look at your paragraph structure and seperate the one big chunk where the rumbling of the plane started with the masterbation and we were all rescued by the beautiful eyes of the brown haired girl. By seperating events and ideas paragraph by paragraph your text becomes more defined and it becomes easier for the reader to digest, envision, and sit back and guffaw. But then again your text reads very well and you might just stick to your style.
Anyway keep it up, brada!
BZ

[Pax Analog]

Excellent, Nathan! Some minor errors, nothin' big.

Droll drooling; hilarious hysteria; onrushing onanism; delicious date denouement.

Cool coordination of in-flight and moral turbulence.

Closing band banter was like oblique poker.

Good stuff!

[Jason]

Great sense of humor! You have a great talent for telling a story! This took me for a thrill ride, and I love the sense of humor.
"Do you like the band?"
"Who?"
"Nevermind"

Great work.