Amanda

& if you're in love, you're the lucky one

Dear first love,

This I write for you.

In the hopes one day,

You might read it.

Cause God knows you need it.

I started writing this a year and 9 months ago.

The day story began.

A day I’ll never seize to know.

Dear lonely,

You’re so beautiful, and you see it,

But somehow, you don’t believe it.

You’re so incredibly alone,

But you refuse to know it.

Dear heartbreaker,

I’ve lost my soul, I’ve lost all meaning.

You played me so well,

I didn’t even see the footprints on my back.

And I get the feeling,

You didn’t realize it either.

I handed you my heart,

I knew what you wouldn’t do.

I knew that that was only the start.

Because you took it, and walked away with two.

Now I’m too afraid to ask for it back.

Dear long lost friend,

I know you hate me right now,

And I know you think it I hate you too.

I realize that we have grown apart,

But despite the ever growing distance,

We will always be close.

Dear careless high school girl,

Even though you sold my secret,

And I act like I don’t care about you,

That could never be true.

No matter how bad I want it to.

Fooled me once, shame on me.

Fooled me twice, shame on me.

That just isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

Dear liar,

You laugh like you’ve never been lonely,

You come back like I’ll be there to hold you.

And that’s alright, that’s alright with me.

You say love him with all of your body,

And you need her with all of your words.

But that’s alright honey. That’s alright with me.

You act like you don’t care at all,

Don’t forget, I’m the one you thought to call.

No matter what excuse you made in your mind,

Some memories you can’t leave behind.

Dear arsonist’s lullaby,

I blame you for the fire,

Constantly burning inside of me.

It’s an itch of pain, loss, and desire.

After all, you are the one who lit the match.

The alcohol, drugs, partying, forced laughter, and suppression,

Ease the burning in my core.

No matter, I always crave more.

Only you have the water to kill the flame.

I know you are the one to blame.

I know this because,

I cannot handle the shame.

Dear lost little girl,

You’re cry for help was mere deceit.

I always abandoned me, to search for you.

I never stopped searching around,

And I never will

Deep down I knew,

You had no intentions of being found.

It was all part of a game.

Dear muse,

You are the only thing I write.

I hear your name in every song.

All this, it isn’t me, it’s not what I do.

It’s the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

Dear my mind’s keeper,

When I try to put you into words,

I’m plagued with alexithymia.

The feelings, they run and hide.

But late in the sleepless night,

Memories and fantasies come out to play.

And early in the morning,

Comes the dread for the light of day.

Knowing it’s the start of yet another day,

Of the life of me without you.’

I fight the overwhelming urge to text you.

Dear monster in my head,

I know there had to be something epic about it to you too.

We are terribly wrong for each other.

It’s a lesson learned,

A fun, but painful memory.

But then again, we are so different, we’re almost the same.

So maybe we’re just right.

Maybe we’re both utterly insane.

Sometimes I fear, maybe we’re so damn simple, so damn plain.

You and I, the truth is,

We don’t know handle something that so good, we don’t know how to care for it.

The flame was too big,

At least that’s how it is in my mind.

But maybe it wasn’t like that for you. Maybe for you, it was easy to leave behind.

Dear consuming emotion,

You’re so far gone now,

I hear stories of someone who sounds like you, but they do things the you I knew would never do.

I’m left wandering through deserted halls,

Books with empty pages,

Songs with no lyrics,

While silhouettes of you dance across the walls.

So I have a favor to ask of you.

One simple task.

Let me go. Set me free. Unhook the leash.

Because I absolutely cannot accept that maybe it’s not you, and it’s just me.

I know it sounds dumb, and you’ll look to me with that dull pathetic look in your eyes.

But just say the words, tell me I’m free to go.

We’re not in love. I’m the one in love. You just get to take it all and use it as you please.

Tell me what to say,

To make you see it my way.

I can’t keep sailing these seas, I can’t keep fighting the waves in the ocean.

I’ve been drowning for too long, and you’ve known this all along.

I know that by now you have moved on.

Won’t you let me do the same?

Please love, I’m tired. I need sleep. I’m growing insane.

The doctor will perform the deed that my condition needs.

She’ll take the pain away.

Truth is I don’t even want her to take it.

Because the pain is the only thing keeping you here. The only thing keeping you alive.

The only thing I fear more than the thought of you forgetting me,

Is me not remembering you.

But I can’t live this way, I’ve been living of pain for too long. I’m tired of seeing the world in blue.

I know it’s difficult. We’ve grown so far apart, but never do we change.

Each time I say I’ll leave, it’s this one I know it is, I know it is.

It’s not. For me, it’s always you.

So please, please set me free. And please, mean it when you say it.

Dear Amanda,

"Now and then, I think of what you said.

And it eats me up, running through my head.

Just beat me up, so I can feel your pain.

Sometimes I wish I never knew you, I wish I never asked your name."

Deep down I know that’s not true.

Because the truth is, I already knew your name when I met you.