conclusion to the already concluded

this was a beat poem i wrote about my ex girlfriend/ current best friend. i hope this makes sense to someone on the outside...if not...well, i don't know hahaha

 even with the help
i have too much on my mind
instances rewind
i probably think about it as much as you do
so why should i follow tracks set a year in advance
a path and a plan that will probably be a lie by then

i'll sit with my back to the window
so the moonlight can guide my mind better than my eyesight
better than my feeling that
i'm going to be a shallow empty beckoning in the back of your head
drug along through your new path
a weight that's holding you back
relax
but i know i can't
that's the thing about advice
you give it
and suddenly you're a hypocrite
and no i won't forget the time
you described myself better than i could ever attempt
and no i won't forget how you denied it
and shook it away
like an etch-a-sketch

i'm pretty sure this could be it
the big conclusion to the already concluded
because i can't stand it
even though i lie
and help you analyze every move that's been made
that's YOURS to rewind
and every step i try to take
ends up in a stumble
a clumsy masquerade shielded by a phone

i'll sing my songs in one last attempt
to give your ears life to my voice once again
remember remember the month of october
when trees were golden
and our letters were peeled from the bark of their trunks
remember remember the month of october
out of the 12
it was your favorite one

it's a bad time for me to bring this up
and it must be difficult
but understand
this creation is a tool
to help me really say
everything i wish i could say to you
and although you're not in the room
please know that every idle time,
a little thought of you pushes through my mind
i suppose that's why i do this now
a little time to fill
but now as my eyes start to drift
i can feel the weight of the sleeping pills
the gears jam in my head
and by the time i stop writing
and shuffle to my bed
the thoughts that once caused insomnia will be eaten by tylenol p.m.
currently i cradle my head at almost every line
so perhaps i should give this up
and call it a night.