Bloody War

“War does not determine who is right — only who is left.”

We drown in the blood of victims
It has inevitably come to this stage

We sleep to the sounds of sirens

Sirens which pierce our ears with rage

 

We shut our eyes
When we know there is plenty of hate

We only pay attention
When bombs start to detonate

 

We get incensed

When we have willingly made the choice to wait

But we are left powerless
For we were very much too late

 

Cries and wails of pure, innocent toddlers

Tears do not flow as a mismatch of their socks

As bombs resemble pouring hail on their houses

They cry for they are hidden under gigantic rocks

 

A game between selfish beings
Turns into a gamble of the living

Mustering every last bit of courage, they run unafraid

But one by one, they continue to drop dead

 

We await spring
For thousands of flowers to bloom

But they await that one day

Where they no longer have to witness thousands of tombs

 

How long more must they suffer?

How long more must we torture?

Is it only when they bow to our feet

Would we only be riddled with guilt?

 

Love begins at home

But what is home

When there are only chemical attacks

Which leave their mouths with burning foam.

Author's Note

I wrote this one with a heavy heart.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your gut-wrenching poem describes the horrors of war in a way I’ve never seen before. I agree with every word & I like your rhyming. I agonize about so many wars all over the world, as well as the fighting rarely mentioned, in the inner cities raging night after night. The way you describe & compare the horrors of war is unique & powerful & yet a little understated, as if the narrator is beaten down by all of it. We are all getting numbed out & yet trying not to be. Trying to stay alert & remember this is not right. This is a very well-expressed poem . . . the best writing comes from having something passionate to say (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Nisha M.]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Margie. I truly appreciate it :)

[Haley]

You left me speechless. I wish more people were able to put this into perspective, the reality of it all... it's heartbreaking that unity is scoffed at, as if it were some idealistic fantasy. Love absolutely does begin at home. That line in particular... it resonates with me the most.

Seriously, though, you're wonderful and so is your writing. Your insightful wisdom is a gift that has the potential to reach so many people.

[Nicole]

Honestly, this was hard to read, but maybe that was the intent? Overall, it was very moving and powerful. My favorite stanza is the second one because I believe it to be the most true, though the whole poem speaks truthfully to the influence war has on us. "We only pay attention / When bombs start to detonate," I think speaks to the parasitic ignorance that plagues the world today. We only start to notice something is wrong when it becomes detrimental to us. I really enjoyed this poem, looking forward to your other work. BTW, I post a lot about writing on my twitter account I use solely for writing. Do I have your permission to recommend this piece to my writing community? Feel free to say no. Writing is very personal, but I think a lot of people would like this piece. Thanks for writing!

[Nisha M.]

Thank you so much for this very detailed review, Nicole. I truly appreciate it. It would be lovely of you to recommend this piece and for as long as it is rightfully credited, go ahead!! Once again, thank you so much for enjoying this!

[Nicole]

Awesome, thanks! Yes, of course I will credit the piece. You're an amazing writer, and should get the recognition. :) Talk soon!

[Nicole]

https://twitter.com/storyweaver2017/status/998915061400920064

here's the link to the tweet

[Nisha M.]

It's such a beautiful tweet, Nicole! I will check your pieces out as well! This really, really made my day!

[Nicole]

Awe, I’m glad, and I’d really appreciate your feedback, too! Thanks so much :)

[Chris Shaw]

Powerful words, "War does not determine who is right, only who is left". I am not sure who said that or whether it is your own quotation. No one wins, diplomacy is always best. But what happens when diplomacy doesn't work and one side keeps attacking another? Continually, and randomly over years? I do believe in self defense, as long as it is proportional. Yet war, breeds hatred that is past on to generation after generation. Healing doesn't come easily. Your poem asks many questions and we are left pondering on many answers.

Thank you for your words

Chris

[H L Rose]

There’s a strong sentiment being portrayed, and you can tell you did put your heart into it. You’ve written over an important topic. I’m going to try and offer a helpful review, but I am no expert, so this is all purely suggestions.

-- I like the last two lines of the first stanza and I think the whole stanza sets the stage well, but the last two lines are probably my favorite in the whole poem!
-- The second stanza seems a little careless to me. “Hate” and “detonate” kind of feel forced just in the way they have been used, and the first and third lines of this stanza don’t really hold a lot of weight.
-- The thirst stanza is hiding an intense thought, but I don’t think it has been conveyed very clearly. I can’t quite grasp what it’s saying.
-- The fourth stanza has very powerful imagery. I think it is clearer than the previous stanza and portrays a strong sentiment as well, however it is still a little confusing. Maybe look at each line on its own and write out what you want to say clearly and then see if you can condense it (if that makes any sense).
-- I think the fifth stanza has great word choice especially with “game” and “gamble”. I would suggest looking at line three of this stanza and seeing if you can condense it a bit.
-- The sixth stanza is strong in sentiment and the idea is conveyed effectively. I do think that maybe a few words are unnecessary such as “that”.
-- The seventh stanza is a bit complicated with its wording. Maybe you can get away with the first two lines, but the last two lines are a bit confusing.
-- The eighth stanza is a strong ending.

Overall, I really enjoyed the point you are trying to convey. I think that perhaps the wording in some areas is too complicated and can confuse the reader needlessly, sometimes there are words used that you can probably omit. Enjambments might really help you here as far as clarity.

Despite all these suggestions I do think this poem has potential and I’m seriously no expert, so this is all opinions. I really did enjoy reading this poem!

[JayG]

You're not making prosody work for you. And that matters a great deal because poetry is made to speak aloud, and should flow smoothly, with the natural rhythm of the word presenting a cadence that accentuates and organizes the thoughts.

In S1, for example, The first line has its stressed/unstressed syllables presented as iambs: soft/hard format with three feet, or beats.

We DROWN in the BLOOD of VICTims

Line two is: It has inEVITably COME to this STAGE... Again, three feet.

Line three: We SLEEP to the SOUNDS of SIrens... Again, three feet, with an added feminine ending, as in L1

But line four changes to trochiac. It leads with the hard stress, and has four feet rather than three. This gives an out of balance feel when coming after three shorter stanzas of imabic. It can be used as a note of discord, but in this case feels like a stumble of the tongue:

SIRENS which PIERCE our EARS with RAGE

That aside, when writing structured poetry the first stanza sets the meter. So all stanzas that follow should have an ABAB rhyming scheme, and maintain the aimbic/trochiac structure. But your rhyming scheme is inconsistent, with two stanzas having no rhymes. And that means the poem, instead of flowing, as Shakespeare said, "trippingly from the tongue," stumbles.

It's an easy problem to fix, once you know what you should be looking for. And for a great introduction to prosody, take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's an eye-opener, one that should be required reading reading to all writers, for what it has to say about the flow of language.
- - - - - - -
HAMLET

Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to
you, trippingly on the tongue: but if you mouth it,
as many of your players do, I had as lief the
town-crier spoke my lines.


Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Nisha M.]

Thank you for this absolutely detailed comment! I am not well-versed in the technicalities of poetry-writing as I usually write song lyrics but I appreciate this and will refer to some of the materials you suggested above! Cheers, Nisha.

[sette]

and this is the repercussions when we are at the midst of war

[¿]

The war loving beasts need to be pull of from root nor they'll leave no signs of peace existing on earth......
A strong absolute poem here.....Great penned Nisha😊

[Nisha M.]

Thank you so much for reading this dear! I appreciate it!