Life

The struggle

When did I get to scared of everything and everyone around me. Forever feeling like I’m not good enough and always worrying that I’m annoying people. I wish I could just go back to being 12, when everything was easy and I didn’t need to worry about being such a disappointment to everybody in my life. When I didn’t need to worry about not having a job and not having money, not needing money to live. Going back to the days when getting £1 to get juice was enough. Now £1 for the shop turns into “should I save this just incase I need it for something else?”. I may only be 20 but at this stage in life most people know who they want to be and what they want accomplish. I am stuck, I’m not good at anything, I don’t have any particular talents and that really scares me. I see everyone around me with jobs, money, houses, a car, relationship and even kids. But here I am jobless, about 20 pence in my purse, staying with my parents still, not done my driving whatsoever, my relationship hanging by a thread and no kids. I don’t want a perfect life I would just like to be happy with my life. Every time something good happens to me something bad swoops in and takes it away or makes it impossible. Are some of us just lucky and some of us aren’t? this is what I would really like to know. Sitting in my bedroom at 20 years old not being able to get up in the morning because I have no reason to, staying in the house all week bored and dying to be able to ask people to do things and go places. I hate not being able to go out for dinner with my friends because I don’t have money and don’t want them to pay for me. Stuck in this town where everybody just stays here cause its easier. Nobody actually wants to be here. I envy the people who have actually had the courage and bravery to leave. Them people deserve rewards in my eyes. We all grew up in this small town thinking there was nothing better (well I did anyway) and now I feel like anything would be better than living here. I just wish I could pack a bag and leave. An impossible thing to do without money but I hope one day I will have enough money, courage and bravery to actually do it.

 

I just want to be happy, really happy, not the happy I pretend to be to everyone so they won’t ask questions. Genuinely happy with my life! To have a smile on my face that I don’t have to force whenever someone suspects I’m not. Be able to turn round and say “I’m good thanks” and actually mean it. The only thing that makes me happy right now will eventually kill me if I keep doing it. I don’t want to drink but I am truly happy when I am even if it’s just for half an hour, all my worries and fears disappear and I feel like that 12-year-old girl again running around with her friends with only the worry that the boy I liked wouldn’t like me back. I always dreamt of being older but as I’ve grown up I’ve come to realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Most of these happy adults aren’t really happy at all rather putting on a brave face for everyone else to see. 20 years old is not an adult by any means but by now I should be beginning to be one and to be honest I’m no closer to being an adult now than I was when I was 12. 

Reviews

[Kat Reimer]

Hi! It's very realistic, I feel the pain and the confusion of a no exit. However, you need to proof check it for there are small grammatical errors. Most importantly, if you will add this to a short story or novel it is a good thought to begin with but it's thoughts. You need to show all the worry and confusion through scenes, action and dialogues, otherwise it feels half done. Good start!