What's Between Us

We could easily be mistaken for a couple,
except you don't take my hand.
I walk beside you awkwardly,           
and sit across from you
at the square table
where my voice doesn't quite reach
across the space between us.

I'm afraid to raise it in this restaurant,
the nicest place I've ever eaten,
where the waiter pushes in my chair
and places my napkin on my lap.        

The conversation
is mostly about the food--
the Scottish egg which you won't touch.
as I taste mine, then push it around my plate.
The waiter seems disappointed as he takes it,
and I must admit, so am I
on this my last night,

when I would rather be lying next to you
back in the bar with the beanbag chairs,
where the noise invites closeness
and I can speak
with my lips inches from your ear.

As we're about to leave
the waiter comes with a single plate,
compliments of the chef,
and places it in the center of the table,
three delicate globes of chocolate in mint sauce.

We have to reach a bit,
starting at opposite ends and moving toward the center,
careful that our forks never meet
as we slice them into the mousse,
and slide them through the mint sauce.

You leave the last of it for me
and I look up to feel your eyes meet mine,
the only time
I've seen you really look at me all week,
when mostly
you’ve been turned away.

What is it that's between us,
holding us
just beyond each other's reach,
a little too far apart?
 

Reviews

[Alessander]

Sorry for the lateness of my reply...I think what's between us 2.0 is immensenly better than the prior version. It flows more and alludes rather than explicates. I still think there are fewer other things you can do to make it even more compact and powerful (for example, delete all that follows the line "towards a friend and tv." and maybe end it with "we might be mistaken for a couple"?), but then it would start becoming more of my poem than yours:) I think Pound had the same tyranny...It's a great rewrite though.

[The Language of Birds]

Hi Elizabeth,

I'm having a hard time finding anything 'wrong' with this poem. You have great lines. I feel particularly connected to stanzas 1, 4 and 6 . with the addition of the line 'I taste mine, then push it around on my plate.' in stanza 3.

You have plenty of strong, fresh, unified images conveying the intimacy 'just beyond each other's reach'. And they build upon each other with growing intensity. I love the contrasting imagery of you speaking inches from his ear. God I love that part, and it further hilights the desire and the distance everywhere else in the poem. You use space well in this poem to add to the sense of intimate distance, (particularly the table and the noise of the restaraunt).

At the same time, I am interested in what your two previous reviewers have given to you, with particular suggestions toward altering the form of this piece. They may have something here that I am currently having difficulty putting my finger on.

Experimenting with the form sounds like a good idea. I recommend you play with it, first in how they have recommended and then just break it apart for a little while, let it breathe, and listen closely to what the form and images and the rest of the content may be 'showing' you.

The term 'organic' is sometimes an overused literary term, but I love it, and I think it may help you in your search for this poem's body. Let it come out organically.

I'm going to stop now before I start spewing Gene Hackman-esque coaching catch phrases (too late?) I will continue to think about this poem, and if I come up with anything fresh for you, I will let you know.

As always, it's a pleasure.

Jim C-D

[Jessica Standifird]

It's better. I think I might agree about the paragraph form. I hadn't thought of that, but I think I would like to see this flushed out some more, although I love the way a lot of the lines work in it as is. Things like,

"back in the bar with the beanbag chairs,
where the noise invites closeness
and I can speak
with my lips inches from your ear."

bring an intimite picture to the reader that makes them feel like part of the memory. If you do revise it into more poetic prose, let me know! I like the changes you made, thanks for sending me the invite to read it! I really like seeing the progress, and I like what you have going on. It's strong, intimate, and the emotion in the moments described is compelling.

[J]

You know what? How about trying this in paragraph form? To me, it's prose-narrative, and while that can still be lineated like a poem, for some reason I thought this could be stronger if you tried it like that.

Your start to me seems a bit too wordy with needless connectives. As a suggestion, how about:
"We could easily be mistaken for a couple,
except (that) you don't take my hand.
I walk beside you awkwardly,
sit across from you
(and) at the square table,
where my voice doesn't quite reach
across the space between us."
--two deletions to think about in regards to tightening this...

This part could be tweaked perhaps:
"The conversation
is mostly about the food,
the Scottish egg which you won't touch.
I taste mine, then push it around my plate.
The waiter seems disappointed as he takes it,"
--it doesn't segue very smoothly into the Scottish egg line... how about something like:
"The conversation
is mostly about the food,
like the Scottish egg you won't touch,
as I taste mine, then push it around my plate;
the waiter seems disappointed as he takes it,"
--just tried to connect this better by adding "as" and a semi-colon. What do you think?

I like the ending to this... it encapsulates everything I think =)