Coincidences

I was almost late for my first appointment to that peculiar and renowned in-town psychologist. His therapies were known to be weird but his patients experienced good results. I was recommended to him by my own counselor… He probably thought I was a desperate case.

I just turned thirty last month. I am divorced with a three year old girl and a stable job as a general manager of a restaurant chain. I don’t really know what triggered me the most in this situation to lead me back into depression; a mental state I have been battling since my youth. Deep inside, I know it is not totally my ex-husband's fault. It is crazy, he left me for another woman but I don’t hold anything against him certainly because we both came into the relationship with a lot of emotional baggage. After all, my parents divorced when I was fifteen. As a result, I wanted a solid marriage, a relationship that would work, and a relationship that would last... I thought that my efforts would be sufficient to realize this young girls’ dream of aging alongside the man I loved.

John, my husband, was a sensitive man who told me from time to time he felt controlled. He thought I was making all the decisions concerning our relationship �" our finances, our friends. When he opened up to me in a violent outburst a year ago, I asked him if we could see a counselor but it was too late. Was it too late for him or was it too late for me to admit something I knew troubled my marriage? I don’t know anymore. After only four years together, he wanted to divorce for irreconcilable differences. There was no dispute, no raised voice. He was naturally very calm and reserved. It was difficult to communicate with him unless he gave me the opportunity. It is the reason why when he told me with his soft voice our relationship was over, I did not overreact. I just had to respect his decision.

 When I think about it however, I am somewhat angry at him because I never felt a passion for us or any desperate emotions when we were growing apart. I never felt he wanted to fight to keep me. Maybe I wanted to be wanted that way.

I was deep into my thoughts when the doctor called my name. It brought me back to myself; gosh he was a very ugly old man. I thought plastic surgery could have definitely helped. Maybe he got into psychology to understand why God had created him so unfairly physically; a small head, big eyes, large lips, muscled on the upper part of his body and skinny on the lower part; a real rooster. He greeted me. “Good morning Miss. Malika I am Doctor Stern, how are you today?"

“Nice to meet you. Well you are the last charlatan I have been sent to!”

“Follow me.”

I smiled and followed the direction he was pointing. We sat down, and he looked at me in deep silence for a moment. He started. “Stern Vermont.” He leaned toward me and offered his hand.

“Ana Malika.”I shook his hands and made eye contact

“You are 30 years old, divorced and depressed.

Tears filled my eyes as I agreed, nodding my head. He did not seem moved by the emotion at all. He continued with the same tone of voice; quiet and reassuring.

“As a human, you are three distinct entities in one: your spirit, your soul and your five senses, meaning your body. Your spirit is the essence of perfection; it acts under a unique and essential law: the law of perfection. I am not talking about blind love as we conceive it nowadays where people “fall in love”. I am talking about love that consists of perfection, kindness, patience, selflessness… do you understand the difference?”

“Do you want me to quote the bible?” I replied smiling and a bit confused. It seemed that we had started the session. It was such a brutal opening. He saw my facial expression and continued.

“No! You will probably get the wrong verse …”He smiled. “And yes, the consultation has started.

The second entity is your soul with all your thoughts, feelings and emotions. It is characterized by the strange capacity to be free of any of your decisions. It is a strange liberty in a sense because among many choices in life, there are only two bases to choose from �" perfection and its opposite.”

He stepped back in his chair, took a deep breath and continued. “You see, the choice is between having a perfect life, meaning living only under the full expression of the law of love or living as you create it to be. Although you aspire to a life of perfection, there is within your soul a strong desire, a sort of deep rebellion that wants the whole world to evolve around you and in which you are the only master. Some call it the ego; I call it the pandemic of the human soul because when you choose to live a life that is contrary to love, to perfection, you are condemned to create the world in which you want to live since you are the “master”. The problem is that many, if not all humans choose to live that way. You see, when everybody creates their sense of reality outside of the law of love, life becomes a misery because they evolve around satisfying their every selfish behavior. The result is separation, failure and being broken here like you… Unfortunately, we are all attracted to selfishness. Being in "control" of everything seems more attractive than submitting oneself continuously to express the fullness of love.”

“I,” I started.

“Shut, not now, I am still talking…”

“Oh …” I said.

“Then, there are your five senses: your body, the corporal form. It is that which is in pure harmony with everything that is created on this planet earth. It does not obey or work by any law. It does not know morality and decency. It obeys your five senses and, therefore, is governed by your soul.”

If your soul is full of selfishness, your instincts or senses will act daily to feed the feeling. For example, you see a bar of chocolate; a selfish soul will want it right away, even if it is not necessary. On the other hand, a love soul will yield, evaluate and make wise decisions. In your case, I can tell by looking at you that you have tried to regulate the chaos of your feelings, thoughts and emotions through your five senses. You have evaluated every situation in your marriage, compared it with the fear deep down inside that it mimicked your parents failed marriage and acted to control yours. You have tried to numb the lack of your husband’s affection   through heavy spending and dangerous flirting. You have failed miserably, and here you are desperate and heartbroken.”

I did not say anything. I was literally weeping. This man was calm and rude. It is not what I expect from a psychologist. He then started to talk again.

“You have to stop living by your five senses, stop living a life of instincts, a life of feeling, emotions and distorted thoughts. You have to start to look deep into your soul and choose to live a life of perfection.”

In tears I replied, “Yes my priest, it is easier said than done. Do you even know what you are talking about? Puff, a life of perfection…Look I did not sign up for a preaching session. Look, I am seeking professional help if you are going to continue down that road, we can just stop it right now.

Doctor Vermont smiled, “You will have to schedule another appointment because the session is over. I am quite frankly tired of having a crying baby in front of me. See, I prefer adults. I will walk you to the reception desk so you don’t get lost and from there you can finish the necessary paper work.”

I was in total shock. On top of his great ugliness, he was rude and apathetic. I retorted “Please don’t. I know the way and I am not paying for this session.”

I was angry and swearing I would not come back, but somehow, his analysis of my life, without having to explain it, pleased me. I went to the reception and with a sort of attitude, scheduled the next appointment for Friday morning, pretending that I was not sure to make it and could cancel it at any time. I walked to my car thinking that it had been a long time in my life since someone literally controlled the whole conversation and seemed in total control of him. It felt strange; it felt good.

 

Reviews

[wordman]

this is a great start for your new book I enjoyed reading almost got caught up in it I was going to call for an appointment lol

[Antoñyo]

Sooo soo tempted, but no, I'll just comment in the usual way...about the writing. ;-)
This is an excellent piece, the best and most potent story I've read here this week, if not longer.
I want to applaud your courage (okay, so it's fiction! Gawd, I wanna say more!) in posting this open and heartfelt story. It was a pleasure to read,

Thanks for sharing!