I remember

I personally think this sucks, i never really spent much time working on it but thought i'd throw it up here anyways.

Crying tears of sorrow,

Flooded with pain of regret.

Rememberance of long lost memories,

Percieved in a moment i've longed to forget.

Anxiety slowly closing in,

Heart beats as i whimper a sound of fear,

Held against my own will,

Foreseeing the path that's drawing near.

Eyes glaze upon my face,

Swallowing my last pityful hope,

Hands reach out into your soul,

Saddened by a darkened scope.

Once more a last shedded tear erupts,

as i drown in my own pool of tears,

as high above me you stand abrupt,

suceeding to fulfill all my unnatural fears.

Screaming your name till my heart breaks,

As once again i've been thrown away,

Till another lost soul finds my heart bleeding,

And casually waits till it all fades away.

 

I'm choking on your fear, for you no longer see so clearly...

Love that leaves so fast, is love that comes so easily...

Reviews

[BlackRose]

Not bad. Like how you used some the words and the way the sentence is said with the words as they are. I do that alot too, lol. And even if pityful wasn't a word, it works here. And it is but it's spelled pitiful. Oh well, no ones perfect.

[Silent_Whispers]

First 'pityful' is an actual word and secondly, yes i know i really messed up on this piece of writing.

The poem was to be started off with one meaning but then things affected what i wrote for the rest of this poem.
Thank you i really appreciate your honesty though and i 100% support your view on this one. As its from years ago i never really bothered going back over it to try and perfect it.
But maybe now i will. Thank you for your review though again.
I really do appreciate an honest opinion as it does help. :)

[Reverent]

First off, I don't think 'Pityful' is a word. (Line 10)

Secondly, In line 12, "profounding" causes trouble.

#1: I don't know if it is a word
#2: It breaks the flow of the stanza, I think mostly because of the numerous syllables, but the rhyme covers it well, so that's not the big problem.
(See #1)

Now I understand that this is one of your earlier poems. It has more images than the later things that you have posted.

Yet, I don't feel that the images presented connect with the core of the poem.
I don't know if this was because the images weren't pushed out further and honed, or if it is a matter of the images being out of sync with the rest of the poem.
(Which is an odd thing to say, images are what we identify and label poems on)

I personally find a good poem to be like a good photo. One that has a deep meaning and a reason for being.
Everything must flow just right, and every sliver of detail encases some meaning.

With this poem, I sincerely don't think that the images presented to justice to the potential of the poem.

I realize that this is something that I have brought up in an earlier review, but it is a great deal to me.

To me, every poem has a certain potential.
This potential is usually very high.
I am going to compare it to a house. (Or at least what is within my limited knowledge of houses, I am not an expert on the matter)

The initial idea, inspiration or even 'seed', is quite like the foundation.
This is what the poem is to be build on, these are the brushes that you have chosen to paint your canvas. (Forgive the two metaphors at once. Or is it one metaphor and a simile? Perhaps they are analogies?) :/

This has a great deal to play in what your poem will become. Though, this is not the fullest potential, one can have a tarp over sand but with master wordplay craft a mansion. The opposite is also true. And is true, unfortunately, most of the time.

I find myself coming across poems that I believe have great potential, but are executed on a level that is nowhere near the potential. Others may call these poems 'cliche' or 'already done', but it is simply that the paint you are using isn't quite right. Or your bricks are the wrong size or shape.

In your poem, I believe that the foundation was capable, but the execution didn't quite reach.

The major conflict for me, as I mentioned before, is the over-wash of imagery that doesn't stand out or connect.

To solve this, I would suggest choosing bricks ( ;D ) and phrases that are a little less common used, and stand out when you read them.

Try and switch perspectives often, and push to learn ways to tell the story that are exciting for you every time you read them.
Think that you are a burglar trying to break into a house and steal a priceless jewel. You want to get in and get the jewel in a way that no one saw coming.

I truly do like your writing, and on its own this piece is a solid piece. It's a great piece. But this piece is coming from someone that I know has more potential, and I want to push you towards mastery.

Perhaps someday I will get to read a book from you.

[Silent_Whispers]

I would really appreciate an honest review on this poem

[Darksummerswind]

No, this doesn't suck at all.