Alpha female

Cathartic personal monologue

Alpha female. You don't know what you are until you are made to reveal it. Some women have no choice. I could have been sweet, or doting. I believe I once was both. But when your earth shakes, and your foundations erode, you find out what was really holding up the painted facade, and what will still be there to rebuild on. It may be family, or friends, or career, but when it came down to it for myself it was just that. Myself. Alpha. Ice queen. Snob. Hide your faces. Fake it. A classy woman keeps her private life private.

I will not silence my story to make others comfortable. I was not comfortable when I awoke with him on top of me. I was not comfortable the next morning, finding my tampon smashed into the pocket of my jeans. When I realised what had happened.

I was not comfortable when the boy of my blood was lost to me. When he barred himself away, all hatred and fear. When he threatened and lied and sank deeper and deeper into a darkness I'll never reach.

I was not comfortable in that waiting room. Pressing the pill hard against my gums, avoiding the tearful eyes of the girls doing the same. I was not comfortable on your bathroom floor, keeping my sobbing low, so that you would not have to explain it to your boys.

I was not comfortable when the first spot of crimson made me lose my legs. Watching the phone, parts of myself, parts of you leaving me with each passing hour. I was not comfortable when you finally appeared- incoherent, intoxicated and irreverent. I was not comfortable learning the life I had been promised was a bloody fairytale.

And you were no knight.

Reviews

[White Raven]

Wow. This is amazing. I don't even know what to say other than thank you for sharing. It is often hard enough to open up to ourselves about things we've gone through, and even more so to open up to any one else. Your piece is intimate and honest and very well done.

[Nicole Ladonne]

Thank you so much.

[Ghost Shakes]

Great piece. The attitude towards not hiding yourself (or your pain) simply to make other's more comfortable or to avoid causing 'waves' is really important, for me anyway. Thanks for sharing.

[Cyn]

Whoa.

You're a true writer and I'd love to be informed as this is continued. I look forward to more of your powerful literature. Your stuff hits hard.

[Nicole Ladonne]

Thank you.