Live in Lies to Ignore the Truth

This is a story about an abusive relationship that I let go on way too long.

I wish I could make you feel all the ways you’ve torn me apart. I really wish I even knew the depth of your disaster toward my self. It only felt like the pain of heartbreak in the beginning. It only hurt because I felt I had loved you so. Now it feels more like that perception of love, those lies that you fed me day in and day out- well, they are eating away at me more as time goes on. With time, I realize the harshness in your words. Through meeting people unlike yourself, I am able to see the terrible ways you controlled me. I feel foolish knowing that I chose that life, I chose your love. Why would a person want to be loved by another person who abuses them? I can only imagine what reaction you would give if I told you that you abused me. The reaction alone would answer the question, if there were one.

 

I am devastated, so hurt that you destroyed such a great part of me. You took that part of me that was willing to open up, that part of me that was willing to love, that deep part within my soul that wanted to pour myself into someone else. You stole a piece of me that will take time and healing to regain- a piece of me that will enable me to love another person. And yet you left me with compassion, you left me with consideration, and you left me with selflessness. All I ever did was pour those things out for you. The only ways I treated you were the exact ways you never treated me.

 

I was a fool for believing your lies. I believed that you treated me all of those ways. I believed that you had my best interests in mind, that you would never want to hurt me, that you would always think of me first, and that you loved me. I believed when you manipulated me that it was all in my mind. Why would such a person who loves me manipulate me wrongfully? Well I should have taken a hint the first many times I caught you in lies. I should’ve taken the hint when I found the emails, when you called me her name, or when you lied about the hair in the shower. It makes more logical sense for me to have left you than stayed, in hindsight that is. However, in the moment I lived in a fantasy world. I wanted you to love me, so I believed your lies. Negating your words and calling them lies meant that you couldn’t have loved me the way that I wanted to. It’s a shame we often do that- live in a world of lies just to ignore the truth.