How to Break a Horse

 

Exquisite in form and function, a horse can be a true marvel to behold. My first horse was a bay appaloosa, named Polkalita. She was the horse I’d always wanted, sweet-natured and lovely. Unfortunately, she was also green, rather, though previously mountable, she would no longer let anyone on her back. Anxious to ride her, I decided in the pseudo-wisdom of my youth to break, or retrain her, on my own. Horse breaking is the process by which a maniac mounts a horse, holding on with a death-grip as the animal bucks, rolls, and dives about. The rider’s goal is to break the horse’s spirit, while the horse’s goal is to break the rider’s neck. Thus, when a rider mounts a green horse, something will probably break. 

The first order of business, when breaking a horse, is to catch it. I know it sounds easy. The reality is that even a tame horse, when confronted with the possibility of having to do something other than stand in the field and eat, will run just fast enough to stay two or three yards ahead of a person on foot. There is no way to tire out the horse, so don’t even try. When my father first fenced in an acre of land for the horses, I was ecstatic to have so much room to ride. I later learned the folly of such an action as I stumbled through yet another horse paddy, manure pile, on my third time around the pasture. I have found that the only way to catch a horse is to sit down, panting, under the shade of a tree and wait for the horse’s natural curiosity to bring it close enough to grab. Ignore any circling vultures, as they are just a sign you are doing something right.

When at last you have your horse trapped in the stable, it is time to don the saddle. We have all seen movies where people rode bare-back. How magical it seems to leap onto a horse’s back and bound through golden meadows, imagining how the first horsemen must have felt. The reality of this experience is a little different. Horses sweat profusely which, when combined with all the dirt they always have in their hair, makes a muddy bottom for anyone naive enough to ride bare-back. Needless to say, most people learn a preference for saddles. The horse will hold out its stomach to prevent you from properly tightening it. To counter-act this, simply kick the horse’s shin. It may seem a callous thing to do, but you’ll understand the importance of it when you find yourself riding sideways on a madly galloping horse. As funny as it is to watch your horse run in circles, eyes rolling, teeth bared, it isn’t any fun trying to calm it back down and the horse will likely be skittish for weeks afterward.       

The next step when attempting to break a horse, is mounting. Mounting is the art of struggling onto the saddle with the use of one stirrup and the saddle horn, a handy knob that becomes a danger while riding due to its position just ahead and between the rider’s legs. This may seem like the most daunting step, given a horse’s penchant for taking off the moment you have one foot in the stirrup. A great trick I discovered is to first throw a few handfuls of sweet-feed, horse candy, on the ground. Your horse will be too busy eating to notice your tedious crawl up its back.

Now brace yourself while you wait for your horse to finish eating. If you are lucky the food will calm it down. If you are like me, the horse will suddenly realize it’s been duped and bolt. At this point I would like to recommend you not try to control the direction the horse is running. Fools like me will immediately try to gain control of the horse. I know that that barbed-wire fence seemed like a great idea at the time, but when your horse is backing up toward it, ignoring your wild kicks and cursing, you’ll regret not getting the more expensive, conventional fence. Luckily, horses rarely become caught on barbed fences. These fences will however scare the mud out of them, so if you can hold on you’ll find yourself on the other side of the pasture momentarily. 

I suggest, if you still have all of your limbs intact, that in the future you allow the professionals to break your horse. Pop a bag of popcorn, get a soda and a lawn chair, and settle in for a great show. It’s a lot more entertaining to watch a horse get broken than to break it yourself.

 

Author's Note

I wrote this for English 101. The assignment was to choose a task and write out the steps needed to complete it. Kind of like that whole 'write out how to make a P&B sandwich' thing they gave us in fourth grade. Funny how writing assignments repeat themselves, isn't it?

Reviews

[Emily B]

entertaining and well-written . . .

[Morrigan Nicole]

This is not how you break a horse at all, but the story was just amazingly hilarious and true for a lot of people. I have watched people who come out top our ranch try and break horses this way. though i feel sorry for the horse, i have no sympathy as the person is knocked to the ground and the horse runs off with a cloud of dirt trailing behind them.

[Lady Alyria]

This was funny as hell and informative. You did a wonderful job. This is a great piece. I laughed so loud I'm sure I woke up the neighbors.

[Morgan Ashire]

Ha. I love the visuals that were given. Granted, this is a piece of non-fiction work, but it still retains an aire of vivid visuals and, dare I say, comedy. I have to admit, I was rather amused and chuckling by the end of this piece. It was very well written and easy to follow. I especially liked the conclusion of it all. Very good write, especially for a school project.