Untitled - Chapter One

“Anything else?”

“Yeah, I’ll take some mayo, mustard, salt, and pepper.”

I wrapped up the sandwich, placed a Turkey sticker on it, then walked into the back.  It was almost eight, so I knew I should go ahead and start on the dining room, since our line was finally gone.  So I grabbed the broom, the dustpan, stuffed my phone into my pocket, and headed out to start cleaning.

We didn’t get out until about eleven.  My dad pulled up and I got into his truck.  He didn’t talk to me on our way home, I’m sure my call woke him up anyway.  When I got home, I decided to text Jake.  We hadn’t talked in three days and it was killing me.  All I said was “Hi.”

 

One hour and still no response, I was constantly checking my phone and keeping myself awake so I could see when he texted back.  Part of me started thinking that maybe I made a mistake by texting him.  We had been broken up for six days and I couldn’t stand it.  All I wanted was for it to all go away.  I wanted to be with him or be over him.  I hate the in-between stage, the heartbreak stage, the death stage.

I was also texting Dylan.  He was my go-to guy after a breakup.  He was always there for me.  Well, not in the way that I really needed, but in a way where if I wanted to hook up or feel special just for the night, I could go to him.  It had been that way with us for as long as I could remember.  He knew I only went to him for sex, just like he only came to me for sex.  It was like a mutual agreement.  We were planning on hanging out tomorrow night, who knows if it would really happen, but it was something to look forward to.

Every text message I got, I was praying it would be from Jake.  None of them were though.  They were all from Dylan, and even he didn’t text back very quickly.  What is it with guys never texting back right away?  I never really understood.

I logged onto Facebook, just to see if Jake was online or if he had posted anything.

Nothing.

It was like he disappeared from the world.  There wasn’t a single post from him since the day before we broke up.  I mean, we did talk three days ago, but it was only “how are you” and “are you doing alright”, that kind of thing.

After two hours and no text back, I decided to turn off the light and crawl into bed.  I needed to sleep anyway, I had to be to work at nine tomorrow and it was already almost two.  Trying to fall asleep with a broken heart is the worst.  No matter how many sheep I try to count, or how many lullabies I sing to myself, it will still take at least an hour for me to finally get to sleep.  It’s not exactly how I wanted my night to go, but I had to live with it.

 

“I don’t wanna die, so you’re gonna have to.”

That’s the status I posted right before I went to sleep, Hollywood Undead lyrics.  Jake liked the status.  So he is alive, he’s just ignoring me.  That’s not exactly the response I wanted to my text message, but it’s all I got from him.

I went to work.

I came home from work.

I texted Dylan.

I got no response.

So I sat in my room, and started cleaning.  I’m not sure what I was cleaning.  My room was practically spotless, but I guess I just needed to keep myself busy.  I kept thinking about Jake.  I was wondering what he was doing and how he was doing.  I was pretty sure he was doing fine.  Since he’s the one that ended it, he should be doing okay, right?

I caved.

I called him.

“Hello,” he answered.

“Hi.”  That was all I could say.  But really, I couldn’t have come up with something better than that?

“Hi,” he repeated.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Fine.”

“That’s good,” I said.  He didn’t respond and I’m sure he was waiting for me to say something.  I didn’t call with any intentions of having a real conversation.  I just wanted to hear his voice.  He didn’t seem too okay with that though.  Honestly, he sounded preoccupied and I started to wish I never called.

“How are you?” he reciprocated.

“Okay,” I said, sighing.

“Just okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I mean,” I started.  But then I realized I didn’t have anything to finish it with.  Why did I even call him?  I’m so stupid.  “I’m doing better, I guess,” I lied.  He didn’t respond right away, leaving me in the dark.

“Well, that’s good,” he said.

“Yeah.”

I could tell he didn’t want to be on the phone, but I didn’t want to get off the phone with him.  This whole thing was too much for me to deal with.  I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes.  I could feel my nose starting to get stuffed up.  All of the elements that come with crying, including the flushed face and heavy breathing, I could feel all of it.  I didn’t want him to hear me cry though, not again.

“Well Mom wants me to mow the lawn, so I have to go,” he said.

I couldn’t even contain myself enough to say goodbye to him without sobbing.  I just wanted to calm down enough to get off the phone with him very quickly, and very unemotionally.

“Okay,” I finally said, quickly and unemotionally, just like I’d wanted.

“I’ll talk to you soon,” he said.

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

“Bye,” I said and hung up the phone.

I knew it was stupid.  I knew calling him was the last thing I should do, but I did it anyway.  I don’t know why I did.  Maybe it was just to hear his voice.  I’m not sure.  Maybe it was just so I knew he was alive and okay.  Maybe it was just because I’m not over him one bit, and I want him back.

 

*   *   *   *

 

Days went by without saying what I really wanted to say to Jake.  I texted him every day, but we barely said anything.  There was so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t.  I hadn’t heard his voice since the short phone call we had and I hadn’t been able to tell him that I still love him and still want to be with him.  All I wanted was him, all I wanted was him.

All I wanted was him.

When I wasn’t working, I tried to occupy my time by being with friends, family, or anyone who could take my mind off of things.  I hadn’t hung out with Dylan or any other guys that weren’t strictly friends.  I wasn’t ready to be with anyone else.  I wasn’t ready to even try to impress someone again.  Plus, I didn’t want to risk the chance of Jake and me getting back together.  If I slept with someone else or even started to have feelings for someone else, it could risk everything Jake and I have.  Or had.  At this point, I wasn’t really sure if we had anything anymore.

It was almost time for me to get off work and my dad wasn’t in town.  He was out at a bar and I had no ride home.  The only person I could think of who lived closest to my work was my old friend Derek.  So, I texted him and asked him if he was busy.  One thing led to another and before I knew it, he was outside my work, waiting for me to hop into the car.

“Hey,” I said as I closed the car door.

“Hey, how are you?” he asked.

“I’m okay,” I lied.

We made small talk and decided to go back to his house to hang out for a little while.  We hadn’t seen each other in over two years and had a lot to talk about.  He told me about his most recent ex and how she cheated on him.  I told him about Jake, briefly.  I didn’t want to go into the details, doing that would only cause me to cry or get emotional and I didn’t feel like dealing with all of that.

“He sounds like a real d********g,” he said.

“He is,” I laughed.  I wasn’t sure if I agreed with that statement or not, but at the time it felt okay to agree.

“So what have you been up to?  I mean, what have you really been doing?” he asked.  It took me a few seconds to really think about it.

“Working, mostly,” I said.  “Ever since I got this job it’s all I’ve been focused on.”  That was only half true.  Yes, my job was the only thing I was really focusing on, but Jake was always my main focus.  He was always on my mind.  “I’d like to go back to school, but who knows,” I said.

“I’m starting college next week,” he told me.

“That’s great,” I smiled.

“I guess.  My parents are making me.  I mean, I’m only going to the community college right down the road, but I guess it’s better than nothing,” he said.  He didn’t sound too thrilled about going to college, but at least he was doing that, more then I could say for myself.

“What are you studying?” I asked.

“Accounting.”

“Nerd,” I responded.  We both laughed and he agreed.  Derek was easy to talk to.  He didn’t make me feel like I had to impress him or try too hard, it was just easy.  I liked the fact that we could sit out on his parents’ porch and secretly smoke cigarettes and talk about what’s been going on in our lives, without me constantly flipping my hair or doing my fake laugh.  It was just easy and I liked it.

“I guess I should be getting you home soon,” he said as he put out his last cigarette.  I nodded in agreement and we got into his mom’s car and headed for my house.  The ride was silent, well other then the heavy metal music playing in the background.  When we got to my house, I wasn’t sure whether to invite him in or just say bye.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” he said as he turned the car off.

We both got out and walked to the front door.  My dad’s truck wasn’t in the driveway, which meant he was still out at the bar and I was home alone.

“Thanks for picking me up from work,” I started, “and for hanging out with me.  I really needed someone to talk to,” I smiled.

“No problem,” he smiled back.  “Anytime.”

We exchanged a quick hug and then I started toward the door.

“Text me when you get home,” I told him.

“Okay,” he smiled, nodded, then headed to the car.

As I closed the door, I threw my things down on the ground and leaned against the wall.  I had that small butterfly feeling after spending time with Derek.  I couldn’t stop smiling and I almost wished that I had kissed him.  But I knew it was too soon, it was just my emotions getting the best of me.  Although, he did seem to be a bit more mature then he used to be, and he finally grew into that humongous nose.  But the best part was that he was so sweet, and he made me forget all about�"

My phone rang.

It was Jake.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” I said back.

“I just wanted to let you know that you left one of your shirts here,” he told me.  After days of not hearing his voice and this is the first thing he calls about.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to yell.  He ruined my perfect mood and now all I could think about was how pissed off I was at him.

“Okay,” I said.

“Do you want to come over on Friday?” he asked.

Friday?  What’s Friday?  I ran over to the calendar on the wall and saw it.  Friday is Jake’s birthday.  Why did he want to see me on his birthday, his ex-girlfriend of all people?

“Sure,” I decided to say.  I’m not sure why I agreed to see him, it just kind of slipped out.  Part of me actually didn’t want to see him, but of course I ignored that part of me.  I listened to the part that told me to go, to see if there was still anything there between the two of us.

“Okay, well I’ll talk to you Friday then.”

We said goodbye and that was it.  It was one of the shortest phone calls Jake and I had ever had.  I wasn’t really sure what had just happened, but I was starting to have hope.  And before I could finally get myself settled in upstairs in my bedroom, Derek texted me to tell me he made it home alright and that he had a great time with me tonight.

I wanted to respond and say the same, but I just couldn’t.  Instead, I figured I would just text him tomorrow and say I fell asleep before I got his text.  I wanted Derek to know that I had a good time with him because I did, but I couldn’t get Jake off of my mind and the last thing I wanted was to get up in a pointless conversation with another guy.

 

*   *   *   *

 

Jake’s birthday came faster than I had expected.  I don’t think I was well prepared to see him, but it didn’t stop me.  Instead, I planned my whole day around when I was going to see him and what I would wear and how early I would shower so that way my hair would be able to air-dry the way he likes it and I had enough time to style it correctly so it looked perfect.  Maybe it’s obsessive, maybe I was trying too hard, but one thing I was sure of was that I was in love with Jake and I wanted to look my best.  Even though I knew nothing would happen, I still wanted him to want me.

My period was four days late.  It comes sporadically sometimes, so I didn’t think too much of it.  All day, one of the only things I could think about was how awful it would be if I got my period while I was at Jake’s house.  It’s not the most ideal thing to have to ask your ex-boyfriend if his mom or sister has any tampons.  So, just in case, I decided to shove one in my purse before I left.

 

My dad dropped me off around seven.  He didn’t want to and I could tell by the way he barely talked to me the whole ride from our house to Jake’s house, that he was upset.  He didn’t trust me with Jake.  He never liked him to begin with.  This one time when one of my cousins had her graduation party, Jake tagged along.  A few days after the party, my dad told me that he didn’t like Jake.  He never really gave me a reason why and I never asked.  Instead, I just let him feel the way he felt.  I guess dads are always protective.  Even though my dad isn’t even close to winning the Dad-of-the-Year award, at least there’s some small part of him that is concerned about me getting hurt.

I got out of his truck and told him that I’d call him later when I needed to be picked up.  He told me to be careful and then drove off.  I walked up to the front door and before I could knock, Jake opened the door.

There he was.

Seeing him was almost surreal.

I didn’t think it was really happening.

It had been almost two and a half weeks since we’d seen each other.

He was so perfect.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hello.”

Rocky was barking, so I knelt down and petted him so he’d calm down.  His tail was wagging and he kept panting.  He almost seemed more excited to see me than Jake did.  Rocky finally calmed down, and I was able to stand back up.

Jake and I walked all the way inside and sat down on the couch.  We didn’t really say much, just sort of talked briefly about our day.

“Well, happy birthday,” I said, smiling at him.

“Thanks,” he responded.  He didn’t even look at me.  He didn’t even try to force a smile.  I got nothing from him, no emotion at all.

“You okay?” I asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah, just tired,” he shrugged.  He crawled down onto the floor and started shuffling through movies.  I wasn’t sure what to say to him.  It was awkward and I didn’t like it.  Honestly, I already wanted to call my dad to have him pick me up.  This wasn’t what I was expecting and I wasn’t happy being here.

I sat there and watched him look through movies.  I wanted to say something, anything, but I had no idea what to say.  Why would he even invite me over here if he was just going to be awkward?  I picked up my phone and scrolled to Dad.

Jake stopped me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, suddenly sitting right up against me.

“What?” I asked, almost startled.

“What are you doing?” he repeated.

“This is awkward,” I blurted out, “I don’t feel comfortable and�"”

“Shhhh,” he said as he held his finger up to my lips.

I stopped talking.

I stopped thinking.

“It’s fine,” he said.  That’s all he said.  And instead of saying something back to him to defend myself, I just looked at him.  We stared at each other for a while.  I’m not sure how long, but it felt like forever.  Staring at him, however, made me feel more at ease.  I no longer felt awkward, instead everything felt right.

This would normally be the moment where he would kiss me.  Everything would fall into place and we’d rekindle our love and realize that it was a mistake for us to be apart.  That’s what normally would happen, but only in a fairytale.  This isn’t a fairytale though.  He didn’t kiss me.  He didn’t even smile at me.  We just stared at each other and then I started to feel upset.

So I looked away.

So did he.

He went back onto the floor and finally put in Battle: Los Angeles.  I had seen it before, but I didn’t say anything.  He sat on the opposite end of the couch and before the movie even started, he started playing on his phone.  I didn’t know what he was doing, but the fact that he couldn’t even pretend to pay attention to the fact that I was there was enough to hurt me.

I tried to ignore him and watched the movie.  All of the lights in the house were out.  When my dad dropped me off, I saw his mother’s car in the driveway, so I knew she was here.  I hadn’t seen her though, so I assumed she was back in her bedroom, like she always is when she comes home from work.

I checked my phone and it was about eight o’clock.  I couldn’t believe that I had already been here for an hour.  It felt more like ten minutes, if that.  The movie was already a quarter of the way through and I hadn’t seen Jake take his eyes off of his phone for one single second.

So I kept watching the movie.

I was getting into it.

Then Rocky barked and I turned away.  For the first time since the movie started, Jake’s head turned away from his phone and looked over toward the kitchen.  Elizabeth walked sloppily through the kitchen and then back to her bedroom.  After the door slammed, Jake went right back to his phone.

I was annoyed.  Why would he even invite me over here if he wasn’t going to pay a single bit of attention to me or even pretend to watch the movie with me?  I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I needed to just say it.

“What are you doing?” I finally asked.

“What?”

“I said, what are you doing?” I repeated.

“Nothing,” he shrugged.

“Jake, why am I even here if you’re not even gonna pretend to enjoy my company in the slightest?” I asked.  He just looked at me.  He didn’t seem like he was going to say anything.  “I’m gonna leave if this is how it’s gonna be,” I told him.

“How what’s gonna be?  I’m just sitting here, you’re just sitting here, we’re watching a movie and that’s all there is to it,” he said.

“No, I’m watching a movie and you’ve been on your phone the whole time.”

“I’m listening to the movie,” he said.

“Look, I’m not doing this,” I told him as I started to grab my stuff and stand up.  But he stopped me, yet again.  He grabbed my arm and I looked at him.  “What?” I asked.  He just stared at me again.  I wanted to scream.  I don’t understand how one single person can make me so happy and so angry all at the same time.

“Don’t go.”  That’s all he said.  I shook my head and tried not to let his words get to me.  I gathered my stuff and looked at him.

“I’m gonna call my dad and go,” I nodded.

He didn’t say anything.  He didn’t let go of my arm and just kept looking at me.

“Don’t go,” he said again.

Then he kissed me.  He kissed me and didn’t stop.  Before I knew it, he was on top of me, kissing my neck and playing with my hair.  I closed my eyes and pinched myself, it hurt, so I knew it was real.  I tried to just enjoy it, just enjoy it.  I couldn’t enjoy it the way I wanted to though, all I could think about is what if this wasn’t what I wanted it to be?  What if it was just for fun?  Jake knew the way I felt about him and if he doesn’t feel the same way, then this is just low.  But maybe seeing me again made him realize that he does feel this way about me and that he does still love me and wants to make this work.  All of these thoughts going through my head were too much to process.  Jake was kissing my lips now and even if I wanted to say how I felt, I couldn’t.  He started slowly pulling my shirt up, tracing his fingers up my sides and giving me that perfect tingling sensation.  His lips moved back down to my neck and he reached his hand up against my bra and I stopped him.

“Jake, stop,” I said as I slid myself away from him.  He sat up on his knees and removed his hands from me.  I took a deep breath and prepared myself to say the things that were on my mind.  I knew he didn’t want to hear it.  Right now he was thinking with his penis and the last thing he wanted to do was think with his head, well, the one on his shoulders at least.

“What?” he finally asked.

“We can’t do this,” I told him.  “Whatever is going on here right now,” I sighed, trying to find the right words.  “It’s not what’s supposed to be happening.”

He didn’t say anything.

Neither did I.

Instead, he got down off his knees and sat at the opposite end of the couch.  He was still facing me, both of our legs crossing in the middle cushion.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“No,” I snapped.  Something came over me and then I couldn’t stop.  “No, I’m not okay.  And this is not okay.  You doing this to me is not okay, Jake.  You can’t invite me over here and sit on your phone all night until I tell you I’m gonna leave, and then decide to start making out with me because you wanna get your dick wet.  Well, guess what, I’m not trying to hook up with you.  I love you, I want you, and that’s it.  I don’t want to be friends with you and I don’t want to just have sex with you because it’s convenient.  It’s all or nothing.  And damn it, I’ve been holding this in for so long now that I don’t even think it matters anymore.”

“I knew this was exactly what you were going to turn this into,” he said.

“Turn what into?  I’m telling you how I feel.  How is that a problem?” Suddenly, my sadness and confusion went to anger.  Jake knew exactly which buttons to push and he was ready to play.

“Because you always make everything about you, Lucy.  It’s never about the way someone else feels or how something might affect someone else, it’s all you.  It’s always been all about you.  You’re sitting here because you agreed to come here.  I didn’t make you come here.  I had no intentions of doing anything with you tonight and just because I kissed you, doesn’t suddenly mean everything’s okay.”

The words stung.

I wanted to fight back.

I wanted to say something hurtful right back to him.

Instead, I cried.  He didn’t respond to my tears.  He didn’t say a word.  I sat there and cried, as quietly as I could, while Jake sat on the opposite side of the couch, saying and doing nothing.  I wanted to scream at him.  I wanted to fight back.  I wanted to kiss him.  I wanted to make love to him.  I wanted to leave him and never speak to him again.  I wanted to be with him for eternity.  Nothing in my mind was making sense and I couldn’t keep my own thoughts from racing back and forth in my mind while I cried.  All of the thoughts piling up were just more and more that I couldn’t handle and kept the tears pouring.  My head was in my hands and I was afraid to look up.  I was afraid to see what was really in front of me, which was Jake sitting across from me.  Heartless.

A few minutes after sitting there helplessly, I contained myself the best I could, gathered my things, and went outside.  Jake didn’t follow me, instead he continued to sit on the couch in the same position, at least that’s what he continued to do when I closed the front door behind me.

I lit one of my Pall Mall’s, took the longest drag I could, and held it in.  Then let it out.  I let myself breathe.  The outdoor fresh air was enough to dry my eyes and let my mind clear itself, even if just for the moment.  I knew I needed to call my dad and get him out of bed for him to come pick me up, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it yet.  I didn’t feel like dealing with the humiliation of my father knowing I had been rejected, yet again.  Instead, I let myself focus on my cigarette and the clear night sky above me.

I smudged out the smoke on the concrete below me and tossed the butt into the yard.  I took a few deep breaths of the musty, hot August air and threw my hair up into a ponytail as best I could.  I had too many layers to hold it all up without barrettes, but I didn’t care.

The last time I was here was on August ninth.  Today was August twenty-sixth, Jake’s birthday.  I couldn’t believe it had been that long already.  Two and a half weeks felt like two and a half years.  Even the atmosphere itself felt different.  Sitting here on the front porch, coming down off of my cigarette before I stand up, staring up at the night sky, and breathing in the fresh air, all of it was so different.  Before I came here tonight, I didn’t want to admit to myself that things were really as different as they were, but being here now in this place really makes me realize how different things really are.

Jake came outside and I had no desire to say a word to him.  He sat down in the seat across from me and stared at the sky as well.  This time, instead of Jake talking about the stars while I hum some top forty song in my head, like we used to, we sat in silence.  It was awkward, yes.  But most of all, it just felt wrong.  I knew I needed to leave.  I pulled my phone out of my purse and scrolled to Dad.

“You know, I don’t want you to leave like this,” Jake said.

I ignored him.  I hesitated pressing the SEND button, however, only because my heart was telling me to stay and work things out.  My head, on the other hand, was forcing my thumb onto the button like a magnet.

“I don’t want you to leave like this,” he said again.  “I just don’t understand why you can’t be mature about this.  I know you’re upset, but you have to somewhat let it go.  It is what it is and we’re two adults who should be able to have a mature conversation and enjoy each other’s company without dealing with all the baggage,” he said.  I hated when he talked like a f*****g philosopher or whatever.  He always did this when he wanted to belittle me, like he was just so much better than me.

“Jake, I just can’t do this.”  I said each word like they were its own sentence.

“Let me drive you home,” he offered.  He knew I was about to call my dad for him to pick me up, but he just wanted me to hurt even more.  He wanted to take me home himself so I could hope for a goodnight kiss and be let down with nothing.

“Don’t worry about it,” I told him.

“Lucy,” he said.  I looked at him.  “I can get Mom’s keys, I’ll drive you,” he told me.  I didn’t want to agree to it, but I didn’t want to say no again either.  I just loved him so much.  I didn’t understand why I had to feel this way.  Or better yet, I didn’t understand why he couldn’t feel the way I feel.

“Fine,” I finally agreed.

He stood up and walked inside.  Instead of just sitting there, I lit another cigarette.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

He was inside for a long time.  I kept checking my phone.  It was quarter of ten when I came outside.  It was ten o’clock when Jake came out.  It was five after when he went inside.  Now it was almost 10:20 and I realized I had been sitting outside for fifteen minutes.  Instead of going back in, however, I just sat there.  Something about the calmness of the night just made me feel better.  There were no clouds in the sky, just stars.  The stars were so bright.  They were so perfect.

Finally, he came outside.  He locked the door and stood there, staring out at the sky also.  At least I knew there was one thing we still had in common, which was being so fascinated with the stars.

I watched him.  His hair was a mess.  It was finally starting to grow out from when he shaved his head about a month ago, shortly before we broke up.  I remember sitting out on the back porch with an electric razor, cutting all of his hair off.  We were listening to Nine Inch Nails and talking about how much Jake looked up to Trent Reznor.  He was fascinated by how one person could make music sound as great as it did.  He took a shower right after and asked me to join, as I usually did.  Taking a disposable razor to his head, he shaved every follicle of hair completely off until he was literally bald.  His head was bleeding and I remember holding a cold, wet rag to his scalp that night as we watched America’s Got Talent in the living room.  He kept complaining about how he wished he would’ve shaved it in segments like last time, before him and I started dating.

“You ready?” he asked, cutting off my thoughts of the past.

“Sure,” I told him.

We walked to his moms white ’98 Honda Civic and got in.  He plugged his phone into radio, started playing Linkin Park, and we pulled out of the driveway.  Neither of us said anything to each other.  We rode down the long road toward the highway, but instead of turning left toward my dad’s house when we reached it, he turned right.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“I just feeling like driving.”