Untitled - Prologue

A Chapter by Nicole Ann.

“Alright, I love you too.”

I hung up the phone and placed it onto the table, talking to my aunt always makes me feel better.

After a few more drags of my second to last cigarette, I peeked inside to see if Jake and Adam were still in the same position. They were. I peered out to the sky. It was dark, very dark. There were no stars and I could barely see the moon, too many clouds. I finished off my cigarette and threw it out into the grass, then watched it burn out. I then placed my lighter into my pack of Pall Malls, sighing at the fact that I only had one cigarette left. My phone and the pack of cigarettes then went into my pockets and I walked inside.

“Just be careful, dude. The first time I went in there some mother f****r killed me,” Adam was saying, talking about the video game they were playing. I rolled my eyes and thought about walking over to Jake and giving him a goodnight kiss, or even just a quick hug. He didn’t even look at me though, so I assumed it wasn’t important.

“Goodnight, guys,” I decided to say instead.

“Night,” they both said in unison. Part of me wanted to tell Jake that I love him, but the bigger part of me didn’t want to.

As I walked back to the bedroom, I turned out the hallway light, and then closed the bedroom door behind me. My shirt and jeans came off, my phone and cigarettes falling out onto the floor as I did so, then on came one of Jake’s t-shirts. The lamp on the nightstand was on, so I didn’t bother turning on the light. I placed my phone on the nightstand and hid my cigarettes in one of my sweatshirts.

The room was full of things, but felt so empty. I guess it’s because when I first started adapting to this room, I adapted to Jake being there with me. I can’t even remember the last time he fell asleep with me. I’ll usually wake up around three or four and he’ll be lying next to me, facing the opposite direction. Sometimes I face him and wrap my arm around his waist, sometimes I play with his hair, and sometimes I just turn myself the opposite way as well.

I don’t know what happened to us. Sometimes I think it’s just a phase, but most of the time I know it’s not. The love we used to share just isn’t there anymore. I pretend it is though. I pretend as hard as I possibly can.

I grabbed my iPod from off the floor, place my ear buds into my ears, and listen. It was on shuffle and I didn’t bother changing it. It’s almost like it knows just what I need to hear at all the right times.

I fell asleep and then woke up at 3:36. Jake wasn’t in bed, so I quietly made my way out to the living room to see if he was there. He wasn’t. I poked my head out of the front door and he wasn’t there either. I was used to him disappearing, but never this late at night, well technically early in the morning.

So I went back into the bedroom and called him from my phone. It went straight to voicemail.

“What the f**k, Jake?” I said to myself. I really shouldn’t have cared. Well, maybe it was good that I did. Jake is my boyfriend, whether we act like we’re together or not. I love him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

Out of curiosity, I called Adam’s phone.

It rang.

“Hello.”

“Hey, is Jake with you?”

Silence.

“Adam?”

“No,” he said, snickering. That’s when I knew. Jake was hiding from me and didn’t want to be found. The fact that I had to go through Adam to find him, well that’s just annoying.

“Don’t lie to me, Adam,” I said.

“F**k you, Lucy.”

He hung up. I’m not surprised. For some reason Adam stopped talking to me like a real person after Jake and I got together. Adam and I were friends before Jake and I started dating. We actually dated for almost a year before high school, but that’s all in the past. He stopped talking to me for years, and then we reconnected on Facebook about a year ago. We’d been best friends ever since. And then Jake happened and it’s like I’m a dog. At least, he treated me like a dog. It didn’t really bother me too much that he did it, it was the fact that Jake never stuck up for me at all, even when things with us were perfect.

So I went back to bed. If Jake didn’t want to be found, then I wasn’t going to search for him anymore. In a way, I felt like it just wasn’t worth my time.

“Hey, I’m going to the junkyard to get some parts.”

I rolled over, away from the wall and tried to open my eyes. When I finally did, Jake was getting dressed, facing away from me.

“Right now?” I asked.

“Yes, right now,” he said.

“Who’s taking you?”

“Joe,” he said. Joe is our neighbor, Stacy’s, boyfriend. I didn’t know what time it was and I didn’t feel like asking any more questions. I knew it would just start a fight if I tried to have the simplest of conversation with him.

“What time will you be back?” I asked. It just slipped out, unintentionally.

“I don’t know, Lucy,” he started, “like a few hours.”

I started to ask him what time it was, but then stopped myself. Instead, I looked at my phone. It was about quarter after eleven.

“Jake,” I said.

“What?” he turned to me. He looked annoyed, which was unusual since he was going to get parts for his car. That was something that normally always made him happy.

“I hope you find what you need,” I told him.

“What? What does that mean?” he asked. “Don’t start this s**t already, dude,” he said as he walked toward the door.

“I meant for your car,” I said, but it was too late. He had already slammed the door shut by the time I finished my sentence. Normally, I would chase after him and make sure that he knew I wasn’t trying to start a fight. Not anymore, though. Reassuring him, now, that I wasn’t trying to start a fight would only start another fight. Things got so complicated with us and I just don’t get it.

It’s too early to think like this.

After sleeping for another hour, taking a shower, cleaning up the kitchen, and watching Dr. Phil, I decided to go online and see if there were any other stores at the local outlet center that were hiring. Old Navy, Aeropostale, Guess, White House Black Market, the same places that are always listed, but never call back. I’d already put applications in at all of those places, only about two weeks ago, so I figured there was no point in filling out more.

I looked out the window and saw Elizabeth, Jake’s sister, pulling up the driveway. Instead of staying in the living room and smiling awkwardly at her as she came in, I decided to go back into the bedroom before she came into the house. I grabbed my juice and my phone and headed into the bedroom. I sat down on the bed and turned on the TV. Of course, nothing was on, but I figured I’d at least try. I heard Elizabeth come into the house, greet Rocky as he barked at her like a crazy person, and then go into her bedroom. I sat back, with my head against the propped up pillow, and watched How I Met Your Mother.

I heard Jake walk into the house about an hour later, and went out to greet him. Joe came in with him and they talked to me about the parts and everything they got and how they were going to work on the car. It was the same thing I’d heard for weeks, but I played along like a good girlfriend, smiled, and said how it was such a great idea. Jake pretended to love me when anyone else was around, anyone except for Adam that is.

After Joe left, Jake and I were alone. Elizabeth never left her bedroom unless she was leaving the house, so we were basically alone. I thought about apologizing for this morning and how I didn’t mean anything bad by what I said, but I saved my breath. Jake was shuffling through the parts he got and I just watched him.

I walked towards him and grabbed his face, giving him a kiss as I did so. He kissed me back. I didn’t want to stop, but I knew that he was more concerned about the things in front of him, rather than the person.

When I pulled away, I smiled at him. He tried to smile back, but it was so forced that I just walked away. I’m not sure why I walked away so abruptly, but I did. And he didn’t watch me, nor did he chase after me. Instead, he looked back down at his new car parts. Part of me wanted to cry. Part of me wanted to scream. Part of me wanted to walk back over there to him and keep kissing him until everything was better again. But the biggest part of me however, well, that part of me just wanted to leave it alone and stay away. And that’s exactly what I did, I stayed out of his way and let him be.

* * * *

“Stop it, Jake,” I giggled and tried my hardest to push his hands away. He kept laughing and wouldn’t stop tickling me. I started laughing harder, and then finally said, “Stop!” as loud as I could without waking anyone up.

“Okay, okay,” he said as he stopped. He placed his hand on my bare stomach and started tracing his fingers back and forth. I closed my eyes a smiled, mesmerized by his touch. I never wanted this feeling to end. It was like everything was finally falling back into place. Everything was perfect once again.

I finally opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Quickly and secretly, I pinched myself as hard as I could on my arm, to make sure I was awake and all of this was real. It hurt like hell, so I assumed it was.

“I’m so proud of you, baby,” he said. “I mean, after all of this hard work and determination, you finally found something.”

“I feel like it happened because it was meant to, you know?” I started, “I mean, I go in for an interview at one place and end up with a job somewhere else, somewhere I never would have originally applied for.”

“Well, either way, I’m proud of you,” he said. I looked over at him and saw him smiling at me. I knew he was being honest, he really was proud of me.

I kissed him. I kept kissing him until he moved his lips away from mine, pressed me against the bed, and started kissing on my neck. It was wonderful and felt so amazing to feel loved again. He ran his fingers through my hair and then started kissing me down my chest and stomach. All I wanted was to make love to him, just like we had in the past. And we did. And it was perfect, everything I’d been wanting for such a long time. Little did I know, that was the last time we’d be making love like that. If I had known then, I would’ve savored the moment just a little more then I actually had.

* * * *

“Why are you doing this? Why are you making me leave?” I yelled. He gave me no response and all that did was make me angrier then I already was. “Answer me!” I yelled. I was so angry. Describing how angry I was wouldn’t even begin to tackle how I really felt in that moment.

“I just think it’s time,” he said calmly. He said it as if he were telling me he had to go mow the lawn or he bought a new DVD for us to watch.

“What the f**k, Jake? After everything, after the past few days being absolutely perfect and then out of f*****g nowhere you spring this upon me?” I was yelling, crying, panting like a dog. I was so confused and so angry that I just wanted to hit something. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. Nothing was right, everything was so, so wrong and there was nothing I could do to change it. “Jake!”

“What do you want me to say, Lucy?” he started. “There’s nothing I can say to make this right. No matter what, I’m gonna hurt you and you’re gonna be upset and everything is gonna be wrong,” he said. I couldn’t even look at him.

He was sitting on the couch, Rocky lying under his feet. I was pacing back and forth across the living room. I clutched my phone in my hands, wanting to throw it at something. My cigarettes were in my pocket, but I didn’t even want to smoke one. That’s how upset I was, I didn’t even want a f*****g cigarette. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t think, and I could barely breathe. All I wanted was for this to all go away, for everything to stop and for him to tell me this was all a joke. After the past few days being great and wonderful, after the perfect love we made last night, this was the last thing I expected him to say when I woke up this morning. A week ago, I could’ve seen this coming, but not today. Today I thought everything would be just as perfect as it was yesterday and the day before. But I was wrong, I was so, so wrong.

“Tell me this isn’t real, just tell me you don’t mean it,” I begged.

“I can’t,” he said, closing his eyes and putting his head down. He couldn’t even look me in the eyes and say it.

“Just f*****g look at me, Jake! Look at me and tell me you want me to go!”

He looked up, started right into my eyes. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. I was scared to death and I didn’t want him to say it. I instantly regretted telling him to do it. I instantly regretted it. Instantly.

“You need to go.”

And that was it.

I packed my things.

I called my dad.

And I waited outside.

As I waited, I thought about calling my aunt, or my best friend, or anyone at that matter. But I couldn’t stand the thought of having to explain myself to people. I didn’t want to have to tell anyone about what had just happened.

Jake came outside and sat across the table from me. I was staring out at the road. I couldn’t even look at him. I wanted to say so many things, but I just couldn’t, not even words could fix this now.

“Do you want me to help you carry your things out when he gets here?” he asked.

“No.”

Then there was silence. Neither of us said a thing, just sat there. When I finally saw my dad’s truck riding down the road, I stood up. He pulled into the driveway and I started carrying my things to the truck. My dad got out and said something, but I couldn’t pay attention, so instead he walked up to the porch and started grabbing my things as well. When I walked back to grab the last of my things, Jake said something. I just looked at him.

“I’m so sorry, Lucy,” he said.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said back.

He reached his arms out for a hug, but I pushed them away. He had tears in his eyes and his face was bright red. I was already crying and I knew that hugging him would only make me not want to leave. I put the last of my things in the back of my dad’s truck, and then got in.

“You okay, Luce?” he asked.

“Just drive, please,” was all I could say.

And he did. We left and I stared out the window, knowing that was the last time I’d be leaving that house. I knew it was over. I pulled out my phone and powered it off. It was time for me to be alone for a while.

next chapter