A Bad Year's Desperation

There must be an angel out there

As corrupted as a money-hungry politician.

And angel whose crooked smirk

Could only represent that of one who gets

The utmost satisfaction from the havoc she reeks

On the meaningless lives of those below her.

A smirk symbolic of the same inferiority complex

That inhabits the brains of millions of schoolyard bullies

Stalking their victims by the order of their own self-esteem.

The silly sorrow of my unused apologies means

Nothing to this angel

For she gets her own confidence

From my pitiful dismay.

For her to accept my thoughtfulness

And self-loathing as punishment enough

Would bring an end to the unclever allusion

She keeps of herself.

Yet as I ponder this possibility,

I am met with many more logical answers

To the questions

That infest every inch of my mind.

Maybe its me.

Maybe its my own unclever allusion

Which keeps me ever-longing

For the happiness I feel I so deserve.

Maybe my witty nature

And fun-loving attitude

Are not as appealing to those

Around me as I’ve always thought them to be.

Or maybe my many flaws are more apparent to the world

Than I try to realize.

But no,

There has to be something out there for me.

The person I want to be.

The someone who feels the same.

The life I long to live.

One day my debt of emotional tourettes

Will be paid in full

And then,

And only then,

Will I truly find my oasis of true self-awareness.

Maybe then I’ll have control in the battle of wits

Between me and me.

But for now my mind races on

And I'm finding it harder

And harder

To keep up with the pack.

Author's Note

This one is a pretty old one but writing it felt good so tell me how it feels to read it.

Reviews

[D.Truelove]

This is the self doubt that everyone feels beautifully captured and put to paper. Very easy piece to relate to. I like the idea that even angels have their bullies among them. The teeter-totter of who the real enemy is, the outside influence or yourself is well told.

[heich]

beautiful..lol

[Dingo the Archwizard of..]

Expertly put. Keep it up, dude.

[HermitsUnited]

I relate to this and I like it alot! Amazing job! You write so well!

[jen]

i wish i had the kind of depth at 20 to ask myself these questions that you have put out there.... maybe at almost 50 i wouldn't be asking them! :) i enjoyed this very much and find my own, mile a minute thought/question/wondering process frustrating and invigorating at the same time... i'm enjoying your writing very much!

[My Fair Lady]

I like this piece a lot.

[.]

this was so easy to follow and relate to..those musings of our own turmoil! Really eloquently put. flows really well. job well done

[SharkBite]

You grab the reader at the beginning and refuse to let them go. It's excellent. The way you use your words to evoke emotions never ceases to amaze.

[Michael of Gilead]

The self doubt you express is universal, and though you think you see everyone else in the world seemingly enjoying and comfortable with themselves, within we all struggle with our own perceived flaws...

Excellent write

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

it's certainly a cathartic and eloquenty constructed smooth self reflective piece~one can see the image in a mirror hazed by emotional condensation~ fingertips drawing aside each pearl of humid droplet~ almost like a shift in the daisy perspective whispering "i'm worth it i'm worth it not . . . ." until the mirror is as clear as day and hope is the color of the glass~