Dear Mom, We Are Breaking Up

Dear Mom,



First off, I would like to say thank you for having me, I guess you can thank Dad too, but I am writing you this letter to inform you that I am breaking up with you. As you read this you’ll probably be wondering why I wrote you this letter instead of just coming into your room and telling you this, and the truth is that I didn’t want to see the pain in your eyes as I tell you that I must move on. We had a great run, I will miss our morning trips to Wal-Mart and our nights watching TLC Network (I still think they went over budget on the last house) but I must call it quits. To be honest, things have gotten out of hand, the mother-son salsa lessons only made things worse. Everywhere we go I constantly feel like people think I am your trophy husband and it’s really putting a dent in my social life. I came to this realization after you and I went out for a drink Friday night, and the lovely lady I was talking to asked me if you were my “girlfriend,” when I corrected her and said that you were actually my mom, that did not make things any better. As you read this, I also know that Dad must be heart-broken, because now undoubtedly it means you will be spending more time with him. Have you considered getting a job? At least then you could stop coming up to mine and asking me to go out to lunch. I really did enjoy making homemade guacamole with you last week, but you didn’t have to be so critical when I told you that I wasn’t hungry after we finished it. Truthfully, I have been pondering on whether or not to write this letter for the past 2 weeks, and today, after you bought us tickets to see CATS I decided it need to be done. I think we made it a lot longer than most people expected us too, especially given the age difference, but I think we reached our peak after we both learned how to play the harmonica. We really only had 2 good songs, but most bands do. The salsa lessons were a failure, your hips aren’t what they used to be, and a lot of those moves were a little awkward to do with you, but we still made it through. (I think showing the video to the rest of our family may have been a mistake though). There is really no easy way to this, but I feel that we have grown apart and if we continue like this it will only make the separation more difficult. So this is it. Please don’t post this letter on Facebook or some other social media that you barely understand how to work, and please don’t call me all the way into your room to show me a picture of a cat wearing a tutu or that cop dancing to some rap song. I will never forget the first time I told you what a meme was or the time that I made you a Twitter account (big mistake on my part, can’t dodge every bullet). I would like for you to burn this letter after you read it because as I finish writing this I have just realized how creepy it is that I actually had to write you this.



P.S: We will still go see CATS, this letter doesn’t take effect until after CATS