Chasing SuperMan.

My sign must not be working. This is the third night in a row. Nothing. I recently moved to New York, from a small town in Kansas and as a huge comic book fan, this was a big deal for me. Here I was in the same city as Spider-Man, Super-Man, Batman, and the X-Men, so imagine my anguish when after 6 months in the city I have yet to meet any of them. Last week I walked 7 miles around the city at 2 AM hoping to catch a glimpse of the Bat-Mobile flying through the streets, and I have been checking my mailbox for letters from Bruce Wayne inviting me to a party (which I hear are marvelous gatherings) but nothing. Also, none of the papers seem to know a Clark Kent or a Peter Parker (or at least they told me they did not). I reached a low point last week, I waited in a dark alley for 25 minutes before a woman that did not scare me walked by, so that I could snatch her purse, (Scary looking women in New York) but, finally someone’s grandmother walked by, I rush her. “I’m gonna need that purse Grandma!” Once I have her purse, NOTHING. What the f**k. I wait a few moments, hoping I’ll soon be swept away by a masked figure or webbed, but NOTHING. I then punch the grandmother in the face. Hoping that if I up the stakes, they will show up quicker. A few moments go by, NOTHING. I drop the purse on the ground and walk away disappointed. I don’t understand why these heroes do not make their presence known, we have all read the comic books, we know what they look like, why won’t they introduce themselves to me, I’m a fan, and why didn’t they come save that old lady I was robbing. I decide to make one final attempt, it has to be a big one. I enter a bank and walk over to the teller, I hand her a slip of paper that says: I need all the money in the bank, I have the place surrounded and a school bus parked in the back, put the money in bags, and bring it into the bus or things will get messy. The teller looks at me with a look of horror. I do not have the place surrounded and I most certainly do not have a school bus. I started sweating with fear that she wouldn’t believe me, and the clown make-up I put on is running. (I figure if I attempt to dress like an already established villain heroes will take me more seriously). She buys my lie. The bank is now in pandemonium. I should have brought henchmen. I ask the teller if she wants to know where I got these scars. She looks puzzled. I do not have any scars. I hear several sirens from outside, someone called the police. (which is understandable, they are being robbed). I run to the window to look at the cars that are showing up, no Lamborghini, no spider webs, no laser vision, no Blackbird, The Punisher obviously did not come because I’m still alive. Nothing. Nothing but regular cops. Do the heroes think I’m not a big enough threat to waste their time with? A cop gets on a megaphone and tells me to come out, they have the place surrounded. The teller looks at me as if to say: “I thought you had the place surrounded.” I assure her, that the people that I have surrounding the place are also surrounding the cops, who are surrounding the place, and not to f**k with me. I open the door and throw a 6 of Clubs out onto the ground near the cops. (I decided that will be my M.O.) During all the confusion I forgot that I actually had to watch the people in the bank, that they did not actually want to be robbed, and three or four guys jump me as I come back in, at that point I also remember that I have a gun. As I reach into my coat pocket and pull out the gun, they ease back. I pull the trigger. “BANG” or at least that’s what the banner that comes out of the gun says. The men then proceed to beat the hell out of me, before a cop comes in and saves me. I tell him I’d like to press charges. He ignores this and handcuffs me. And that’s it I think to myself, no BatMan, SuperMan, Spider-Man, not even Robin thought I was a big enough threat to show up. I look over at the cop, and then a look of glee and accomplishment runs across my face. My arresting officer’s last name is Kent.