List of Things I'm Not Going to do Today

exactly what it says above^

Today is going to be an uneventful day. I have $30 remaining after all of this weeks bills & living expenses, 80% of which may or may not be currently being metabolized in my liver as I'm writing this. I will neither confirm or deny. Either way, with 2 more days until I see a direct deposit I will be spending my time in this McDonald's stealing their free WiFi to write things for your possible amusement or possible agony (thanks Ray Kroc!) And with no other activities remaining on my agenda, weather recreational or personal, I have compiled a list of things I will not be doing today. Some of these things I might want to do, others I'm glad I'm not doing, other others I'd be frightened of, other other others might cause cancer.

Enjoy!

1. working

2. having sex (this is subject to change)

3. getting a new passenger side mirror (my current one is attached with the structurally integrable duct tape)

4. installing said new passenger side mirror I'd hypothetically buy today under different circumstances

5. flying an airplane

6. skydiving out of said airplane

7. crashing an airplane due to the pilot skydiving from the plane leaving no qualified person on board to fly it

8. taking lessons to qualify for a pilots license

9. churning butter

10. forging steel

11. getting the phone number of the beautiful, possibly just slightly underage woman (like 17 years & 9 months old) who keeps eyeing me from a couple tables down

12. getting charged with statutory rape

13. cheating on my girlfriend

14. getting a passport

15. driving to Canada

16. drinking a Labatt beer

17. drinking maple syrup

18. playing hockey

19. attending a Toronto Blue Jays home game

20. listening to Drake

21. popping bottles of champagne

22. putting on a strip show for college women

23. putting on a strip show for older women

24. putting on a strip show for gay men

25. putting on a strip show for livestock

26. being interviewed by my local news station

27. claiming to be "transracial" in said hypothetical interview

28. winning the NBA Finals

29. gossiping

30. smoking crack

31. smoking meth

32. going into cardiac arrest

33. dying of a heart attack

34. performing triple bypass surgery

35. receiving triple bypass surgery

36. fighting the hulk

37. receiving a concussion

38. dying from blunt force trauma to the head

39. being exposed to asbestos (remember I said some of these may be cancer inducing?)

40. being interviewed by CNN

41. being questioned on how much of a threat ISIS is the the United States

42. being questioned on weather I'm involved with ISIS

43. telling a reporter that their questions are absurd

44. confirming that ISIS is not an Islamic extremist organization and is actually an international spy agency ran by a man named Sterling Archer & his mother.

45. being asked if I believe black lives matter

46. replying that I believe all lives matter

47. being accused of being a racist any way

48. pulling a "Rachel", then joining the NAACP to prove I'm really not a racist

49. being interviewed by MSNBC

50. being asked if I'm "ready for Hilary"

51. replying that I'm actually ready for Bernie

52. being accused of being a sexist, womanizing, misogynist pig

53. being interviewed by Fox News

54. being asked, on a scale of 1-10 how "American" I am

55. walking out of Fox News studios with out saying a word

56. being jumped by Bill O'Reilly & Rush Limbaugh for being "un-American"

57. being sat on and crushed to death by Rush Limbaugh

58. smoking a cigar with Rush Limbaugh

59. sneaking into North Korea via the Russian border

60. attempting to free the North Korean people

61. being accused by the North Korean citizens of being a western capitalist pig any way

62. being executed by a North Korean firing squad without trial

63. test driving a Maserati

64. being tempted to drive really really fast

65. crashing a Maserati

66. being responsible for the death of a car salesperson in my passenger seat and a mother to be in a minivan

67. being charged with vehicular manslaughter and reckless endangerment

68. being accepted into Yale

69. joining the Skull & Bones society

70. buying stock in ExxonMobil

71. meeting the Bush family

72. attending a satanic ritual with family friend Dick Cheney

73. writing an anonymously published book about the family secrets of the Bush's (titled "Hiding in the Bushes")

74. disappearing without a trace

75. what #74 actually resulted in (being kidnapped and executed by hit men hired by the Bilderberger's for whistle blowing)

76. herding cattle

77. convincing McDonalds to buy my higher grade beef and serve it

77. raising free range chickens

78. convincing KFC to buy my chickens

79. congregating with hipster relocaters

80. listening to anything on vinyl

81. putting kale in a blender

82. gentrifying a deteriorating neighborhood

83. getting robbed at gunpoint

84. forcing residents out of their neighborhood

85. buying a struggling carry out and turning it into an overpriced coffee shop making even Starbucks appear cheap

86. listening to Mumford & Sons

87. determining their music was better before they were popular

88. typing this list on a typewriter

89. buying a pair of thick rimmed glasses despite my vision being perfectly fine

90. buying overalls

91. wearing said overalls in casual, non-work situations

92. your girlfriend

93. your mom

94. your grandmother

95. your pet hedgehog

96. visiting a strip club

97. "making it rain"

98. buying a brand new Mercedes

99. getting my new Mercedes repossessed

100. going into debt due to my high priced lifestyle filled with many vices

Okay…I think 100 is enough, though there is more where that came from, perhaps I'll write a part 2. I probably won't though

Author's Note

I encourage you to add on to the list in your reviews

Reviews

[Loui SE]

What exactly is pulling a "Rachel"?
I'm too hung-over to even think of something that I could possibly or wouldn't possibly do.
Hope you had a good day!